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Original poster

Are you close to your mother?

45 replies

TickTockBaby · 08/03/2022 22:59

I'd say I'm not really, but it's an area I struggle with tbh.

I love her she's my mum, but we're not close. I wouldn't go to her with any queries or issues but I'm reassured by the fact that she'd be there if I needed a place to go to.

There isn't a real point to this post, I suppose, but I have a daughter and I so want to have a different relationship with her.

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 08/03/2022 23:04

No, I am not. My husband died 10 days ago and, apart from a few platitudes, she has been no support at all. I can't turn to her for help at all.

My daughter, on the other hand, has been amazing. She and her husband have dropped everything and come when I have needed them most, they were here the night DH died and I couldn't have got through that weekend without them.

Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure · 08/03/2022 23:06

Yes, my mum I literally my best friend. Although she doesn’t know a few things, I suspect she probably wouldn’t want to know the ins and outs but I always go to her with my worries. We live with her and she has a fantastic relationship with my dc. She essentially helped raise them and that’s fine, she raised me and I don’t have any complaints, well except for her fashion choices when I was younger. But I choose dc clothes 😄 truthfully I’d be lost without her.

Dd drives me nuts, she is a no limit soldier that tests me on a daily basis, she’s very sensitive which in our family, isn’t usually a thing. We joke about everything so trying to get her to develop a thicker skin. We have a good relationship, well as far as a 9 year old and mum can be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2022 23:07

Very.

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Families
Original poster
TickTockBaby · 08/03/2022 23:08

Im so sorry for your loss @bloodywhitecat there are of course no words for your loss.
I'm glad to her you have a strong relationship with your DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
TickTockBaby · 08/03/2022 23:11

@Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure that's lovely to hear.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 08/03/2022 23:17

I’m so sorry, @bloodywhitecat I can’t imagine how horrific that is.

I’m close to mine but I can’t stand her if she drinks (every night and lots more when I’m there) I’m so torn. She gives great advice and is fab to talk to when sober, but she screwed my childhood with the booze and I don’t want to go and see her at all (we live hours apart). She smokes and the house reeks. I’m happy to talk to her until she pours the first glass, after which I cannot bear to be in the same room. 😢

Excitedforxmas · 08/03/2022 23:19

No. I probably wouldn’t hear from mine unless it’s me contacting her. Occasionally she texts.
Me and my dd are very close. She’s my best friend

Nelliephant1 · 08/03/2022 23:30

Definitely not. Seeing or speaking to her is very awkward and damaging to me so I am on low contact. Not the way it should be but unfortunately the only way it can be.

HelloBunny · 08/03/2022 23:33

I get on great with my mum. Always have. She drives me batty at times, but we’re very close.

FlyingGeeseAgain · 08/03/2022 23:35

No, not at all. She hurts and upsets me. She has never been someone I could rely on or turn to. She’s never been a safe haven.

Kite22 · 08/03/2022 23:35

When she was alive, I knew she would have been there for me in a heart beat if ever I needed her.
We also used to do things together occasionally, , but she very much respected the fact she was my Mum, not my best friend. Being a Mum is a special enough role in itself. Being able to understand that doesn't mean you want to discuss everything with her makes that relationship all the better in my view.

I now have adult dc.
I am delighted they have good friends, and good 'counsel' from siblings and cousins in siblings partners etc, who they can talk to about somethings without having their Mum following them about and interrogating them about details of their lives. They do also come to me for all sorts of conversations, and we love spending time with each other and I miss them when they aren't living at home, but I'm not their 'best friend' and never would want to be. I am their Mum.

Beamur · 08/03/2022 23:39

My Mum and I were very close. I enjoyed being around her and she was amazingly supportive.
I'm lucky enough to have a daughter of my own and we get on really well too.
I genuinely feel very blessed and fortunate.

Sparticuscaticus · 08/03/2022 23:41

I'm very close to my mum.
Over the years I have been an awkward teen, an awkward young adult, and I have disagreed with my mum quite strongly at times - and she has driven me mad with unsolicited mothers advice that said things (that unintentionally ) made me feel (despite me being a competent adult in a highly professional job) on occasion that i wasn't good enough.

We kept talking and I realised as I got older that her motivations and heart were always good ♥️, even if the delivery from mum wasn't always and I reacted and said "Nope no and no! "

It made us closer over the years when you learn your parents aren't perfect they just tried their best xxx the key is that my mum apologised and said "I could have worded that differently, I'm sorry" bc that's what I say to my mum whenever we misunderstand each other .

So I hope that your mum OP and you find a way forward.

My mum is one of my best friends and I adore her, but ofc I I will still occasionally argue with her sometimes and that's ok bc we both appreciate we have different perspectives! Grin

Sparticuscaticus · 08/03/2022 23:45

So, key from my experience is can you apologise to each other and hear (without feeling defensive) that whatever you each said was a misunderstanding and was meant to be helpful even if it didn't feel that way at the time. Mum and I each make a huge effort to first try to find a respectful way to say something because ultimately it's always about respect for the other persons viewpoint and feelings.

They don't teach this in school. But it is an important life lesson xxx

Redglitter · 08/03/2022 23:47

We're very close. I love her to bits

Beamur · 09/03/2022 06:56

Lovely post Spartacuscaticus I didn't always get on with mine either! We had blazing rows but as you say, deep down we had love and respect for each other. Would resolve a row, apologize and move on.

BlueFlavour · 09/03/2022 06:59

No. But 20 yo dd and I are close, despite her horrific behaviour during her teenage years, all of them Grin
It’s possible.

SnowFoxWinterFox · 09/03/2022 07:00

No. She was emotionally verbally and sometimes physically abusive when i was young. She was totally in thrall to her own exceptionally abusive family and pretty much threw me and my sister under the bus by making us be with them all the time. My aunt used to smack me around the face and call me the 'little slut' from when I was relaly tiny and my mother just let it happen.

I am not from the UK and I can 100% say the reason why I left my own country 23 years ago and never returned is because of her.

Custardpudding · 09/03/2022 07:07

I love my mum, she’s my best friend. I don’t have a daughter but have the same kind of chatty happy relationship with my boys. Kindness, guidance and support should come easy (but the teenage years can be a challenge to keep on track!)

Forshorttheycallmecomp · 09/03/2022 07:15

I’m from a succession of not great mother/daughter relationships. Nothing big, just poor communication. The day my daughter was born, and my mum announced it on Facebook so I started getting congratulations messages from people who didn’t even know I was pregnant, I had to ring my mum up and ask her to delete it. She was the mightily offended one. I held my daughter and promised her that we’d try to do better at this generation.

For context my mum never saw my babies whilst I was in hospital, never mentioned visiting, but was happy to blab it on Facebook.

Justanotherobserver · 09/03/2022 07:18

No, never have been. Not her fault, it was mental illness, but she rejected me when I was five and was aggressive towards me ever after. We haven't seen or spoken to each other for over 20 years now.

ShippingNews · 09/03/2022 07:28

Mine died a few years ago but no we were not close . Not at all, she was totally self centred and couldn't care less about me except to criticise.

I'm very close to my adult DD, we are each other's best friend. That didn't happen by accident - --she doesn't love me "because I'm her mother". To me, the word love is a verb, not a noun. You don't feel it, you do it.

All my kid's lives I've been there for them, no matter what. Which meant total unconditional love in all situations, doing what they needed and wanted , being there when they lost or when they won. Getting up in the middle of the night to fetch them from somewhere unsavoury , spending all night typing an assignment, turning up at the police station when something bad happened, going to the graduation with a special gift to show how proud I was. Sitting with DD in the labour ward and rubbing her back until mine was breaking, to help her to deliver her own DD.

Best wishes with your DD , I'm sure you'll be fine !

DDIJ · 09/03/2022 07:36

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Jammysod · 09/03/2022 07:39

I wasn't growing up as she's quite highly strung and I was fiercely independent. We are now though as she's mellowed over the years & I understand a lot of what whe said/did now I have a kid of my own.

PinkButtercups · 09/03/2022 07:46

@DDIJ

Not at all. It didn't affect me as a child because I didn't know that parents were expected to be close to their children. My mother doesn't want me to be close to my own DC and does everything in her power to prevent me from speaking to my DD. If she tries to talk to me we are accused of having secrets.
No offence but your mum sounds very toxic.