Funeral Etiquette

[PeaceForUkraine]

There’s a brewing Brouhaha about a funeral and I don’t agree with friends opinion:

They don’t like that 4 people went to a funeral when they were specifically told not to go, that they weren’t welcome there, and to bog off basically.

I think funerals are a show of respect for the deceased, and a personal thing for each mourner to decide whether to attend or not.

Unless they caused the death, or caused particular distress to the deceased during their life, it’s got nothing to do with anyone.

Am I wrong or are my friends?

I would say you're wrong.

If those closest to the deceased say they don't want someone to attend then that should be respected.

The NOK are the ones who matter the most, and the funeral is mainly for their benefit.

It's hard to say without more information, which you probably can't give without it being 'outing'.

It would depend, for me, on how close the four people were to the deceased and who it was that objected to their presence.

It is impossible to say without knowing the full facts but, I think there are other ways of paying your respects if you have been asked to stay away by the family of the deceased.

Who told them not to go, what are all the relationships to the deceased, and why were they told not to go?

It depends who told them not to go and why and who the four people are.

It depends entirely on who the people involved are/were to the deceased.

When my father goes, which probably won't be many years off, the funeral will be seriously fucking difficult. We're a very fragmented family with lots of long-term estrangements. I will have to deal with seeing immediate family members I have had NC with for decades. I don't expect to be able to mandate that they don't come though - they have as much right to be there as I do, and we will all just have to get through the day as best we can.

I think there would have to be a really good reason for one mourner to be justified in banning another from the funeral.

I think funerals are a show of respect for the deceased

The deceased doesnt care. Funerals are for the living and the respect should be shown to the chief mourners wishes.

Depends on who didn't want them there.

I think it’s disrespectful to go to a funeral if you know it will cause pain to close relatives. Your mourning is secondary to their needs at this time.

I think you are wrong. My mother, when she was dying, specifically requested that someone was not to attend her funeral as this person had caused her a great deal of heartache. We respected her request and told this person she was not invited. This person certainly had no moral right to attend the funeral.

Depends on the back story I guess. I don't think anyone can be legally stopped from going to a funeral, crematoriums/churches are public buildings. Without any background, can't really comment on the moral reasons why these people shouldn't attend

If the close family have asked this person not to attend, it’s awful to decide to go anyway. It suggests you think you’re more important than their grief.

You’re wrong. The wishes of the immediate family should be respected.

You’re very wrong. The wishes of the immediate family should be respected. Someone should not go to a funeral if they’ve been clearly told not to. It shows absolute disrespect to the deceased and suggests that their wish to attend over-rides the feelings of the family at what is already a difficult time.

@Brownlongearedbat that’s the circumstances I understand- your mum didn’t want them at her funeral, so they shouldn’t go, no question.

@Seemssounfair

I think funerals are a show of respect for the deceased

The deceased doesnt care. Funerals are for the living and the respect should be shown to the chief mourners wishes.

I agree with this.

And the 4 include a previous partner from years ago, but everyone lives in a small village so all very local, and they’d stayed on speaking terms but big back catalogue between the 2 families.

It was the wider family that told them not to go, not the NOK.

Isn't this the reason you don't send out invites to a funeral? The date is set and whoever turns up, turns up. Sometimes it can be a surprise.

If direct orders have been given by the deceased or NOK then that's slightly different.

Churches and crematoria are public buildings so no one can be prevented from attending a service but if I suspect that there may be violence I will have warn the funeral director so that if there is trouble they will attempt to de escalate the situation or call 999. I did a funeral last month where the family told me where the family conflict was so everyone was prepared. It was fine.

When organising a funeral for a family I don't know I always write out a family tree which helps me work out who is who and ask about gaps. Families can 'forget' first wives, children and same sex partners which makes the meet and greet outside the church or crem a high adrenaline activity. Families can be complicated. The funeral might be the place where first, second and third family's meet for the first time and it needs care and tact. When people are grieving care and tact may not be top of their list but the bottom line is if you have been asked not to go don't. Just don't. Celebrate the life another way but don't ignore the next of kin's wishes.