Are you popular/good at making friends?

[Lampyshady]

I’ve recently changed cities/jobs and struggled making friends. Looking back it’s something I’ve struggled with all my life since school, whereas it seems like some people can easily make friends wherever they go. I have a few close friends (mainly old university flatmates) and think I’m a good, fun friend when I do ‘click’ with people but it’s rare I find that connection with people. Most of the time I’m shy and never go beyond superficial small talk/struggle to know what to say, and get the impression that others are awkward around me/don’t particularly like me.

It seems like (from social media) most people have a big group of friends and are always going out and on holidays and easily make friends. I’ve noticed from social media that people that were popular in school/uni have made loads of new friends now they’ve moved on with their lives, whereas I struggle in every life stage. So it seems that some people just have this ability to be liked and make friends in most situations.
Are you the kind of person that is popular/good at making friends and do you have any tips?
Or is it quite common to struggle/anyone else in the same boat and feel like they never fit in anywhere whereas others fit in almost everywhere?

Firstly, I wouldn't judge anyone's life by social media.

Secondly, it is bound to be difficult when you are the 'new girl' anywhere, and you not only have started a new job, but have moved city.

I do have a lot of friends and do find it easy to make friends. I think part of it is confidence.

Part of it is probably a bit chicken and egg, as in I presume I come across as quite relaxed / comfortable in myself, because I am not desperate to make new friends (??),
A big part of it is I put myself out there. I join things, I chat to people. I am comfortable joining things or going to things where I don't know anyone. I have lots of different interests and meet lots of people, so statistically I would become friends with some of them. I join, or go to things I enjoy so it is no big deal if I don't become close to anyone there as I will have had a nice evening / day anyway. It isn't like a date.
I accept friendships aren't instant, but are things that grow over time and one day you look back at years of shared laughter and emotions of all sorts.
I accept we are all different and don't create a drama out of a misunderstanding or a difference of opinion.

A big part of it is I put myself out there. I join things, I chat to people. I am comfortable joining things or going to things where I don't know anyone

I think this is a massive part of it. I and both shy and like my own company, and I don’t put a massive amount of effort into my social life as a result. And I am liked by most people but only have 3-4 close friends. My parents, DH, and my in laws are the same.

I have watched my most sociable friends in action, and they will literally go up to random parents in a playground and arrange a play date, or talk to people in a gym class and invite them for a coffee. I would never do anything like that. I invite people over once we are actual friends, they invite people over and that’s how they turn them into friends.

I imagine their friend conversion rates are as low as mine if not lower, but they are approaching about twenty times as many people as I do.

I should clarify, I go to loads of things where I don’t know anyone. But I am perfectly happy to go and smile at people but mostly keep to myself, whereas my sociable friends would have invited the whole group round for a BBQ within the first two weeks.

I can relate, I like to have friends but struggle to meet/maintain friendships . I had a few friends at school a couple of whom I still occasionally see. I made friends at college, first job, after dd was born, second job but I found these friendships seemed to have a shelf life . Now dh has friends we sometimes meet with, I sometimes meet my school friends and I have a few friends from having dd2. But I find it hard to know how to be friends - how often to get in touch, when to organise doing stuff. I generally find it's me that's doing most of arranging so not sure how often I'd see them if I didn't.

I imagine their friend conversion rates are as low as mine if not lower, but they are approaching about twenty times as many people as I do.

Absolutely.

There are regular threads about friendships on MN, and it often comes up that some people just get up, go to work, come home, and stay home - which is fine if that is what you want to do, but if you want to increase the number of friends you have, you have to meet lots of people.

but I found these friendships seemed to have a shelf life

I think many friendships do. They are "of a circumstance" - school friends, university friends, a friend you commute with, a friend you work closely with, a friend you sit next to in a baby group or a friend you walk up to school with as a parent, etc. Only a small % of those will develop into friendships that are longer than the 'circumstance'. As you get older, and look round at who you are still friends with, after the circumstance has gone, those become your lifelong friends - and sometimes remain friends when you don't see them for several years.

Friendships where you see people every day or every week are, of course easier than friendships where one of you moves away, or when one of your circumstances change (eg one has a child when other friend is young free and single).

I think you might find that a lot of us who spend time on anonymous forums find it difficult making friends irl 🤷‍♀️

I don't think I'm good at being popular as I've always been perceived to be low status by shallow people. I'm ordinary looking. I'm not rich. I'm a single parent. Don't have a flash job. So nobody benefits materially from my liking them. An association with me won't reflect badly on them but nor will it reflect well on them. So, nobody ever fawns over me (have witnessed a cousin fawning over our other cousins and icing me and it wasn't comfortable to witness it). But the people I count as my true friends are above average humans, way way above average. Clever, loyal, self-aware, funny, good company! So maybe, I hope, I'm good at being ''liked'' eventually, but not quickly.

I used to struggle but in my mid-20s had a load of therapy. This massively helped see how I saw myself and how I related to others and I think this helped how I made friends with people.

As you can see it’s a patterns, would that help?

I make connections with people very easily and some turn into friends.
A couple of things people have said here has made me want to comment.
Don’t think you need to ‘click’ with people. I’ve found that a good number of people I meet at first sight might not seem to be people I would necessarily be friends with but as I chat with them I often find common ground/interests.

You don’t need to be ‘popular’ to find friends, in fact some of the people @Lurking9to5 describes are people to run a mile from as they will never be true friends as they are too into themselves.

My advice is to look outwards - focus on them and what they might find interesting rather than what you should be saying. Compliment them if you can - are they wearing a nice scarf or a pretty necklace. I don’t mean in a sycophantic way but in a genuine way - most people have something nice about them.
Whilst you’re focusing on them rather than you, you won’t be so self conscious.

I suppose my main ‘skill’ in easily making connections is that on the whole I like people.

Hope this hasn’t come across as preachy!

It’s something I’ve struggled with all my life. I was certainly never popular growing up but did have a small group of friends in my teens and early 20s who have now all moved on and had families or moved away. I have tried volunteering, joining meet up groups, putting myself out there and doing things on my own, but without success. I don’t know what else to do really, I have found a couple of friendships I have made don’t last. I think it’s quite common to feel an outsider who doesn’t fit it. Sadly I don’t know what the answer to this is other than keep trying, keep positive body language and keep trying.

I don't know about being popular but I can talk to people in any situation.
Like the trolley boy in Asda is at college and his granny has dementia I know this by chatting to him in the car park.
There are lots of people I know and chat with BUT I have 4 close friends who are real friends.