I gave birth in December. It didn't go to plan; it was extremely traumatic, and we had a long stay in hospital afterwards which ended up being unnecessary.
I found the whole thing very difficult. I grew up in an abusive home, and ended up on the same ward that I'd been on a few times as a result of the abuse. My childhood has led to me being very independent, and that didn't help either. I felt isolated, ignored and uncomfortable for the whole stay. I had a bad flare up of CPTSD.
We've been home for a few months now, but I can't tell if things are getting better.
I'm not crying all the time anymore but I feel a bit numb and odd.
I'm struggling to concentrate.
I hear my baby's high-pitched pain cry at random times, and find it really distressing.
If I let my mind wonder, I relive everything... so I'm desperately keeping as busy as I can.
It's all manageable for the most part; but some of the people who made the experience worse are triggering strong responses. We're going to be visited by the midwife who ignored me when I said something was wrong next week for a weigh in - she's also a HV - and I am dreading it. My in-laws behaved really poorly, and I shake through our meet-ups and dread them inbetween.
It sounds ridiculous, especially with everything that's happening in the world so please be kind, but I just don't feel safe around them. It's like my body is on high alert, and I'm exhausted.
I mentioned it when we'd just got home, but the GP at the time said it was expected given what we'd gone through and it'd get better with time. They did recommend a birth debrief but the hospital have said I might not benefit from reliving the trauma so soon; so they haven't booked it yet.
Please be kind. I am very aware that I am massively lucky compared to a lot of people; and I'm trying so hard to pull myself together.