Can anyone recommend a solution to low self esteem?

[Fridafever]

I’m so sick of feeling like this. It ebbs and flows but has got so bad again. I disgust myself. I find myself muttering horrible things to myself. It’s so wearing.

I have a good job that I feel like I’ve tricked my way into. I am very ugly which is not really fixable but I don’t think being ugly means I should hate myself.

Has anyone found a form of counselling or something that’s helped?

Do esteemable things and log them. Even if it’s just putting a smiley face on the calendar or ok for each day you laughed once or texted an elderly relative.
I’m sure you’re not ugly and you’re right it doesn’t matter anyway. And tell the muttering voice to ftfo when you notice it- and congratulate yourself for noticing it.

Someone was saying that it's helpful to think about it like someone you don't like is saying those bad things to you. Like Donald Trump? Or an annoying 13 yo in the street? If it helps you can answer back with an insult as well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Have you looked in to bdd? Some of your symptoms do point to that and you could benefit from counselling and your gp can refer you.
What do you like about yourself? When did this start? Did something trigger it? Everyone is unique and different. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and the things you hate about yourself other people probably like. See those things you hate as your uniqueness.

I don’t think it’s BDD - I honestly am pretty weird looking which I think is part of the the root of this. I was bullied a lot at school and as an adult I’m still not good at fitting in.

I don’t really like anything about myself really although I’m very proud of my son.

I’ve felt like this on and off as long as I can remember. I had feelings of intense shame often as a child. I was assaulted as a teenager and told nobody would believe me because I was such a dog. I know it’s ridiculous but that seemed true to me at the time.

Maybe I do just need to see a GP. I think it’s hard to articulate what’s really wrong with me. It’s been very bad recently and I’ve wanted to self harm which I’ve not done since my early 20s (20 years ago now).

Thanks for replying, I think I just need to write it down.

Opportunities to do things you are good at.

Therapy.

I recommend Gabor Mate on YouTube, the Crappy Childhood Fairy on there too. I also am ugly and speak in vile ways to myself, for me it’s from CPTSD. I would bet that your family were not particularly functional? Sorry if I’m completely off the mark. As parents are meant to build up their children’s self esteem.

I just listened to a podcast on this and people seem to have amazing results with it. www.high5habit.com/

Starting small, tiny step by tiny step! And sometimes (often) going backwards 😃 Let’s do it, OP, life is too bloody short for this. So much hate going on, the last thing we need is our own hate directed at ourselves. That’s self assured destruction ☹️

Forgot about self esteem and look into self compassion. Self esteem is about comparing but self compassion is about the value we all hold. There is a good ted talk by a dr Kristen neff.

Definitely counselling, it's life changing. I also do an exercise where I have a notebook by my bed and write three compliments to myself before bed. It can be really small things but pretend someone else is telling you. I do a similar exercise with the children I work with who have special needs and it had been pleasantly surprising how much they like it. If you struggle with this here's a tip: write down lots of compliments you would give people you know, cut them out and pick out three at random. Also if you feel like you might have anxiety or depression, speak to your GP. Getting medicated has been life changing for me.

There are some tips the book "Depression: the way out of your prison" by Dorothy Rowe that really helped me with my self esteem.

What do you mean by weird looking btw? I could probably say I feel that way too. I hate my nose and ears, yet I've never been short of attention so I can't look as bad as I think I do to other people unless men are all desperate bastards

It's cliche but they do say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There's got to be something in it.

Looks don't matter anyway. Not really. It's what's inside that counts.

I'll second counselling though. Life changing.

I'm sorry you feel so shitty

Hello, also recommend therapy. It somehow untangles things. It’s worth paying to get someone who knows what they are doing.
Here’s a few tricks she taught me..it’s similar to writing 3 compliments about yourself ( which sounds great) . I think the thing is to do all these things often and the py are cumulative.
My therapist gave me a sheet divided into 3 columns. In the first write down something you did. E.g. ‘said hello to the lady in the shop’.Or maybe ‘put the washing on’ ..in the second write down what that says about you e.g. ‘I am polite, I am friendly, I can chat to strangers. Or ‘I am organised and can be tidy even if it’s just a tiny bit’ then go inside yourself and see how that makes you feel..and write that down. E.g..I feel lighter, I feel a little bit excited, I feel a tiny bit happier.
Do this every day, twice a day if necessary about 2 or 3 things. It is very simple and surprisingly effective.
The other thing I found surprisingly effective is, instead of saying to yourself,’oh I’m such and idiot I can’t even wash up properly’ say..well done me! I made a quick breakfast for the kids and got them to school and got most of the washing up done well enough’
I think itis another way to trains those voices pp mentioned to go away. It was the thing that worked for me. They are still there, but much quieter and now I can recognise when they are getting louder again. Then I can say, ‘it’s happening again, it’s a natural phenomena of the Brain trying to keep me in my comfort zone and protect me. Thank you brain, for doing that but I now need your help to work out how I do this..’
then your brain likes a puzzle and is tricked into helping. It helps to accept your brain and let it think it’s helping. If you fight it or tell it to be quiet,it will act like a stubborn teenager !
Really hope this helps.
Also second self compassion, and dr neff.

You are not alone with this. Second self compassion

Thank you I’ll do some research into self compassion that sounds like it’s what I need.

I know people who have things about them that make them 'different' and feel no shame about them. Why should you feel shame for just being you?

I think the reality is that if people judge its on THEM not you, them for being not very nice people.

Please do not hold yourself back - in 20 years time you will look back, as we all will, and think Gosh I had so much time, opportunity, better looks etc etc.

Also one thing I did that helped my confidence enormously was that I went and had my colours done professionally. I had hit 40 and stopped taking as much care of myself. It really was a revelation and has boosted my confidence and will do for years ahead.

mistyskies that’s such a good idea. I imagine it makes it a lot easier to shop. I love watching rosemary and thyme ( I’m intellectual like that) mainly cos they have so obviously had their colours done!

Haha I just had a look, oh my god Felicity Kendall is a Spring like me 😂

🤣
Can’t believe you had a look! well no wonder your confidence is boosted! Mine isn’t - I’m autumn like the rather obviously less attractive chum.🤣

Oh no Autumns are great - you look really classy and expensive in those muted colours. And they are so easy to find in shops.

I wore a typical Spring coat the other day (bright coral) and my friend said 'oh thats jazzy'. It made me laugh as sounded such a mum thing to say.

Hello! So sorry I thought I’d posted a kind witty and hilarious reply, but obviously mistaken., very mums comment it’s true!
Op I sincerely hope you are an e to do some of the techniques mentioned on here? I hope you are feeling a bit better, olease do check out therapy. Hugs.

I’ve had a look to see if I can find some therapy. I’m not sure where to start. I’ve just ordered the book a PP recommended. Hopefully that will have some tips.

Their may be some mental health charities in your town. Or try the doctor, or call bacp who are a body that therapists register with. I found that a combination of good you tube videos like the ones suggested above while I have a morning coffee help set me up fo the day. I really recommend trying the tips posted here. They may sound daft or too much effort, but if you can manage two minutes do that. If that’s too hard, do 1 minute. They really will help. I found that all these things are cumulative and you pick a bit here and there that resonates and eventually you will feel better. Definitely.