Any advice on how to help my son?

[MargeSimpson79]

Ds is 10, 11 in sept. He has been challenging for a while but we are on holiday and his behaviour here has really brought things to a head. Dh and I have been discussing whether we need to get some kind of assessment or perhaps some family therapy as we feel we do not deal well with him. I’ll try and be concise (but I’m not very good at it - sorry!)

Physical/sensory

• poor core strength, finds it hard to stand up straight. Is always leaning on things.
• really messy handwriting (very very bright though)
• poor coordination in general, finds it hard to follow specific instructions for his body eg open your mouth wide at the dentist (good at tennis though!)
• will only sleep on teddy bear bedding or wrapped in a soft blanket. Also prefers not to sit on the sofa but lies on the floor wrapped in a blanket.
• fussy eater, hates to try new food. Very sweet tooth and no off switch for eating sweet things.
• seems unaware of personal space and surroundings eg will walk way too close to other people

Behaviour

• throws tantrums when doesn’t get his own way or is asked to do something he doesn’t want to do, proper rolling around on the floor type ones
• gaslights, for want of a better word. Will flatly deny saying something we’ve all just heard him say and then get upset if you pick him up on it. Eg ds says he’d like to go bowling at the weekend. I book bowling and say we’ll be going bowling. Ds will say he never said he wanted to go bowling and get upset when it’s time to go
• incredibly addictive personality. This used to be manageable when he was smaller and it was things like Pokémon cards etc but now it’s gaming, Roblox/fortnite etc. he is currently banned from fortnite due to behaviour when he is told it’s time to stop playing. This seems to be what’s driving the worst of his behaviour here in holiday now (tantrums, refusing to do things, aggression and rudeness) We are generally pretty chilled as a family about screen time but no matter how much time he has it’s never enough.
• struggles with friendships. He is definitely a little quirky and struggles with social ques. He doesn’t really have any good friends at the moment.
• maintains that he doesn’t care about any punishments. Doesn’t accept any responsibility for behaviour - he always has an excuse or someone else to blame.

There is more but these are probably the main bits. He obviously has some sensory issues. I have also looked in to dyspraxia and mentioned this to the school? Dh thinks he’s suffering from a proper gaming addiction? He obviously has limits placed on his usage but really struggles to come off a game.

His behaviour has been appalling on holiday. He has completely ruined some days by refusing to do things (things we know he enjoys) shouting, being aggressive.

I should also add that of course he is not like this all the time! He can be happy and funny and loving and I love him very much of course!

He has a younger brother who is a completely different child.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

Worth getting an assessment before secondary applications are due as that may inform your choice. Traits of SpLD can overlap but an Ed Psych can unpick what is going on, and look for strengths as well as weaknesses. How is school generally?

Apart from his messy handwriting he is fine at school. Behaviour is fine. He is really bright and working above age related expectations. . We are a middle school system so he changed schools in September. Next move will be to high school for yr8.

I work in SEN it sounds like he would benefit from a professional assessment. You might find completing this checklist helpful as it covers traits of various specific learning difficulties and can help to pinpoint areas of difficulty - https://dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2016/09/Primary-Combinedchecklistt_Primary.pdf . Your son sounds like he could potentially be on the autistic spectrum due to the sensory, social and behaviour difficulties. Recording a behaviour log may help you to look for patterns and consider triggers.

Thank you @becca3210 he ticks nearly all the boxes for dyspraxia and some for autism. I have mentioned dyspraxia to his teacher before and she said she would mention it to the senco but I haven’t heard anything else.

Posted too soon.
I feel school may not be that interested as he’s not having problems there?

Sounds like dyspraxia, although traits can overlap with ASD, sensory processing. The physical things you describe are classicly associated with dyspraxia. Has your DS got issues around executive functioning too?

Some aspects of dyslexia that relate to information processing can affect too. Not necessarily related to reading, literacy issues though, if that makes sense.

@VioletLemon yes he’s very disorganised/messy and poor at time management if that’s the kind of thing you mean?

Dyslexia I think is unlikely, he’s an excellent reader, speller and absorber of written information, he just has awful handwriting!

Can dyspraxia also produce the sort of behaviour I mention or is that more likely to have another cause?
I should add he has got worse over the last couple of years and I think he was quite affected by lockdowns/not being at school etc which really hasn’t helped him.

To an extent, especially as they get older children with dyspraxia become more acutely aware of differences to their peers and difficulties so tolerance becomes lower and frustration higher. Obsessions and indifference to punishments or overly emotional reaction to telling off is more ASD/ADHD.

The behaviour sounds exactly like my ASD DS at that age.

You should push for an assessment, probably has to be through the school nurse via the SENCO. DS didn’t get a formal diagnosis until he was 17 and secondary school was an absolute nightmare. If he’d had a diagnosis it would have been less stressful for both of us and we probably wouldn’t be where we are now.

Hi. My son has some similar traits. He has sensory processing disorder and we found that screens made him much worse. Also coming off them was the worst thing ever....What we did was:

No screens in the week (apart from the odd bit of tv.)
Screens at the weekend if there were no behaviour issues.
Screen time at weekends reduced for any bad behaviour in the week but with the opportunity to earn it back.
Always give a 10 min, then 5 min, then 2 min warning when asking them to come off screen.
Reminding them if there is bad behaviour they won't get it next time.
They can earn extra time by doing chores/helping out.
Have a conversation (maybe when he's all snuggly getting a cuddle) about when you turn 10(or 11 for you) that you are now quite grown up and you don't need to scream/cry/tantrum anymore. (This was a game changer for us!) explain that having a conversation and just asking for help/whatever you want is much more effective.
We also ask for a certain amount of reading time before screens.
Let him calm down before any discussion takes place regarding tantrum.
Often take him to bedroom and make him lie down/rest if he has a tantrum as he is usually tired out (only ever has a meltdown when shattered. He then sleeps for an hour, gets up and apologises.)
For school I help with him getting organised in the morning. We pack his bag together so he learns how.
Good breakfast every day.
We supervise homework and assist with set up (left handed so angle of book etc is important)
We also did a bit of handwriting practice, so although it's not neat, it's now (sometimes) legible!
Keep him active.

We are going for a bibic assessment soon as that's what has been recommended to us as they don't diagnose, they suggest strategies to help (school and home). I have a lovely, funny and kind boy. He struggles with stuff but I am determined to help him as best I can, like you. Good luck.

Bear in mind it took 2 years for an assessment (in the UK) for DS and that was 8 years ago so could be longer now (we were initially told he didn’t meet the criteria for ASD though, it took a further 6 years to actually get the diagnosis!).

Yes I am worried about the length of the process and how hard it can be to get anywhere. Especially as it’s not impacting school.

Dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder scream out here. But is he hypermobilie at all? Take a look at the Beighton test (think that's the name), can he do any of these positions / tricks?

@Hairyfairy01 no he’s quite inflexible actually and doesn’t like to move in any way that could be at all uncomfortable!

Dyslexia I think is unlikely, he’s an excellent reader

You can be an excellent reader AND dyslexic - please don’t spout untruths.

@BluebellsGreenbells

Dyslexia I think is unlikely, he’s an excellent reader

You can be an excellent reader AND dyslexic - please don’t spout untruths.

Thank you for your helpful post.

You have quoted part of a sentence where I listed several reasons I don’t think he’s dyslexic, I didn’t just say it was because he’s an excellent reader.

I am literally just a mum with no experience of this so far and like many people understand the main symptoms of dyslexia tend to be problems with reading and spelling. Indeed if you Google dyslexia it mostly comes up with these at the top of the list of signs. It’s not an unreasonable statement on my part, particularly as it is only part of a sentence and I’m hardly an expert claiming to have written an exhaustive list.

Definitely sounds like dyspraxia and possibly inattentive ADHD?

You often have to really push to get referred or go private if your child appears to be doing well at school.

I am convinced he’s dyspraxic. And inattentive adhd also sounds a lot like him! This is such a maze!

Have you tried your gp for a referral? Sometimes they can suppress things to an extent at school and express the frustration at home.

Dyspraxia can only really be picked up by an assessment with an occupational therapist. My ds was palmed off for years as school and GP screening question was - can he pedal a bike? Yes? Ok not dyspraxic. Turns out he is quite severely dyspraxic. There is a huge overlap between all the dys's, ASD and ADHD.
I read somewhere that there is a school of thought that they are all branches of one larger umbrella "disorder". (I put disorder in brackets as I don't necessarily think of these issues as disorders).

We might be ok then @goldensilver as he can’t ride a bike

Disorganization
Time management
Memory etc

All signs of dyslexia

Unfortunately these things are linked you can have autism and dyslexia and dyspraxia altogether.

Have you looked at the Dyspraxia Foundation website. They have lots of resources and advice.