School exclusion - home punishment?

[Selfishmaryann]

My dc has just been suspended from school. It’s quite a serious matter. The police have been involved but have said there is no criminal activity and have downplayed it.

I want my child to realise how serious this is and I think they need to be punished at home too. DC is year 9.

What would you do as punishment if this was your child?

I’m a parent to young children but I’m an ex secondary teacher. For a detention or similar I wouldn’t but for an exclusion yes. I would also make sure their exclusion isn’t fun. No internet. Working full lesson time and homework equivalent. Make sure they are not spending hours doing art or whatever is their favourite subject. Ask the school for LOTS of work and if it’s not enough order some CGP work books from Amazon.

I like to think I would separate out my disappointment in him from my showing love, sounds like he needs a lot of support right now. I would be furious though so this would be hard.

But a consequence might be that I would have to learn to trust him again and so he would eg. not be allowed to go to unsupervised places for 2 -4 weeks until he has shown me he is capable of making good choices.

@Duracellbunnywannabe

I’m a parent to young children but I’m an ex secondary teacher. For a detention or similar I wouldn’t but for an exclusion yes. I would also make sure their exclusion isn’t fun. No internet. Working full lesson time and homework equivalent. Make sure they are not spending hours doing art or whatever is their favourite subject. Ask the school for LOTS of work and if it’s not enough order some CGP work books from Amazon.

Thank you, good idea on ordering the books as I’m not sure enough work will be set from school, as rightly they will be concentrating on the pupils there.

I wouldn't double punish. I would want to talk to them about why they did it. I would try and explain how decisions they make now could impact their future.

How they couldn't travel, or work with children, how they would constantly have to disclose past mistakes to potential employers, if they carried on down this path. I wouldn't want them to feel unloved or alienated.

I am saying this as the mother of a pre-teen though, Who knows, in time I might see this as idealistic rubbish! I have worked with troubled teens though and "bad" behaviour always has a reason. I would want work out how to improve things.

It’s often hard to get suitable work together quickly. They will get an email asking them to do so will need it at the school office by x time but the teachers will tecahing/break duty ect. You can ways contact the head of year with your email and ask them to forward additional work if the teachers have any.

@UniversalTruth

I like to think I would separate out my disappointment in him from my showing love, sounds like he needs a lot of support right now. I would be furious though so this would be hard.

But a consequence might be that I would have to learn to trust him again and so he would eg. not be allowed to go to unsupervised places for 2 -4 weeks until he has shown me he is capable of making good choices.

I am definitely struggling with separating my love and disappointment, hence posting here. Also to cancel out the pleas for access to phone!

That is a good consequence. I was thinking minimal access to phone, maybe a short period a day after all work is completed and also being grounded.

It’s so hard as with all hard situations there is a long and sad backstory so I want to protect with all my mothering instincts but also need to discipline and give consequences.

Thank you for your reply.

@SprinkledGlitter

I wouldn't double punish. I would want to talk to them about why they did it. I would try and explain how decisions they make now could impact their future. How they couldn't travel, or work with children, how they would constantly have to disclose past mistakes to potential employers, if they carried on down this path. I wouldn't want them to feel unloved or alienated.

I am saying this as the mother of a pre-teen though, Who knows, in time I might see this as idealistic rubbish! I have worked with troubled teens though and "bad" behaviour always has a reason. I would want work out how to improve things.

I’ve always said the same, if you get in trouble at school, they can deal with it! Sadly this has escalated too far now!

We have sat down and explained the long term consequences and potential short term ones if it leads to permanent exclusion. Luckily that has been ruled out for this situation.

mainly concentrate on the exclusion being not fun: ie if he is excluded for behaviour then he does not get to go on phone/play/go out during school time.

also think what the natural consequences of the behaviour are. eg pp stating you can not trust him to [eg go out alone]... because he did.... [insert his misdemeanor]

this is the hard bit of parenting. you can do it. good luck.

Hi there. This is so sad to read about your 9 year old, both his back story and the discipline imposed now. I just wanted to add food for thought, I dont know if this will be helpful or not, my hope is that it is!
Discipline comes with horrible feelings of shame and guilt, embarrassment, anger, sadness, anxiety etc etc. I think this is the same for parents and carers as well as for the child being disciplined. When we feel these things they can help us learn and be better at who we are but we can also end up avoiding the source and carrying those negative feelings. So... with that in mind I wonder what the restorative and repair plan is from school and home. A plan to validate and soothe and ensure the guilt/shame/remorse/anger is managed and self managed so that this little one can feel proud of himself again. We can help our little ones learn with clear consequences that dont exclude love and happiness. Check his trauma response at this for your starting place. I hope this helps a little. Sarah x

Normal he's Year 9, not 9 years old.
Nevertheless, I would be looking seriously at the reasons behind it - was this a culmination of a long standing clash? a result of unmet SEN need? just a decision he took on the day to commit a potentially criminal act? something that others have been punished for as well (and in which case, what's the plan to stop that happening again)?

I would say that school hours are still school hours - he would be sitting at the kitchen table doing academic work under my supervision. If insufficient work was set by the school, I would supplement it.

I would not cut off my child entirely from his phone/the internet. I have found with older teenagers that the level of distress this causes - contact with their friends is everything to them - is counterproductive. He would have his phone during lunch break and in the evening.

I would make him sit down with me after school hours to talk about what has happened, how it came about and how he could have prevented it. Also how he is going to manage the return to school and avoid ending up in serious trouble again. We would talk about the impact on his future of potentially being expelled from school, what life is like in our local pupil referral unit etc. My sons would have absolutely hated these conversations, but I would have made them do it anyway. I suppose you could call that punishment

I don't think I would go in for the sort of faceless "ton-of-bricks" punishment - they get enough of that from the school. I think you can combine love and disappointment quite naturally, since they are both coming from the same place, and the aim should be to impress upon him the seriousness of the situation and how important it is to go upwards, not downwards once he returns to school.

How long is the fixed term exclusion?

There should be a reintegration meeting, prior to return to school, when you, your son and the school have an opportunity to set out expectations in the future.

During the time he’s not in school, I’d be expecting the normal school hours engaged in learning, whether provided by the school, as it should be, or whatever you feel is important for him to be engaged in, based on the lessons he would be having, we’re he to be in school.

I think that’s important for him to understand that a fixed term exclusion is a serious matter and not to be taken lightly. The consequences of further breaches could leave him without a place in the school.

A 13/14 year old boy must surely be aware of rights, responsibilities and the consequences of his actions. I don’t suggest that you go in all guns blazing, but I think he needs to understand that he has done something serious and there are consequences for that.

As one who was excluded from school many, many times for various bad behaviour ranging from being cheeky to downright dangerous/illegal... I'm not proud but it took me a long time and much harder work than everyone else to get to where I am now.

I totally admire your approach and your thought around this op. My parents didn't really give a crap what I did at home when I was excluded. I was allowed to get up when I wanted, lazed around watching TV/on the internet all day and went out as I pleased, meeting up with friends. In fact being excluded from school was really quite a special treat for me!

Although it might look like double punishment to some i agree school time should be school time, and of course how it looks in your home is individual for you. Any tips from school about how to help this exclusion "work"?

I would just make sure that DC is using school hours as learning time plus homework time- same as attending school.

I would limit acess to phone & Internet, in relation how much they do/ learn during school hours. Same for going out to meet up with friends.

It's important that they don't see exclusion as a means of getting extra "holidays".

hey there... sorry I mixed up age and year group... same thought from me applies to year 9 too

Sounds like you have a brilliant all round view and inviting views here is a great way to see you have covered all your options.

He is lucky to have such a thoughtful parent x