PND - books / helpful stuff?

[Lamalp]

NC but regular user. I might have PND.

Are there any books - guides, self help stuff that worked or helped you? Could be books, YouTube videos - whatever really.

My main worry is that I don't think I've bonded with my baby properly. I feel like my baby doesn't like me - that they prefer their Dad or Grandparents. I worry that I'm not a good mother. Im also very irritable. I feel guilty constantly like I should be reading more, or playing with them more, or taking them out more - basically just a constant feeling of guilt/worry that I'm not getting it right.

It's been really slow creeping over a period of months. When I'm particularly feeling low I feel like my baby would be better off without me and it would better if I left. I would never do it, I know that's not true but I have the feelings.

I don't want it to get any worse. I will call my GP tomorrow.

Also not sure whether or not I should take medication if offered by the GP or if I should stick to talking therapy to start? Anyone has anything to share on that I'd be keen to hear.

Anything that you think could help - let me know.
Thanks

Also NC here, but a regular user. How old is your baby? I felt the same as you, don't worry you're not alone. But it is a horrible, lonely and confusing way to feel. I'd definitely encourage you to be really honest with your GP and if you do go down the talking therapies route make sure they give you someone who is experienced with perinatal mental health. My child is a toddler now and it does get better, it kind of 'clicked' for me a little while after DC turned one. But I still feel quite a bit of guilt for not trying to get better earlier, and there is still quite a lot I've never really opened up about. I'd recommend reading Laura Canty's book, Something to Live For. I also find some Instagram accounts helpful - the Pandas charity, Amotherplace, Laura Dockerill are a few. It's worth contacting the Pandas helpline too, and also if you have a local perinatal mental health team they may be able to help. But mostly, know you're not alone and you will be ok.

Thank you so much for responding. I will look at everything you mentioned.

Baby is 7months. I don't think I've always been this way. I definitely had terrible baby blues but because I got so much better from that I didn't feel depressed. It feels like I've been going down a slope since Christmas, maybe prompted from a slight niggle I had about my baby preferring Dad compounded by MIL saying something which affirmed that. Tactless but probably not deliberate. That comment took root and I've been falling down the slope since.

I was looking at babies newborn pictures last night and realised I couldn't remember anything. DB felt like someone else's baby. It's hard to explain.

Sorry to hear that but if you feel like you're slipping down a slope you should definitely speak to your GP, or Pandas, to see how you can get support. I know what you mean about not recognising the early days, I feel a bit the same. I'm also not sure how I coped, and in hindsight I didn't very well, but you do because you have to.

Thanks . Called the GP this morning. They called back and I did an assessment. Got moderate/severe depression. Which shocked me. Thought it was a mild type of depression - I'm still functioning. I don't cry or take to my bed. Couldn't help thinking - well the questions are stupid! I'm not 'that' bad.

Anyway - got a prescription for sertraline that I need to pick up and I've emailed the HV.

Some nerves over taking meds. I just don't feel bad enough. I had a bout of depression about 10 years ago in my mid-20s and I was a mess. I got to the doctors couldn't get through the consultation without crying and I did feel absolutely hopeless. Like I just couldn't take anything anymore. Ended up taking about a month off work. But I got better. And I haven't had any issues with depression since. I've had to manage stress but not depression.

This feels different though. I'm not crying and unable to function - I just feel detached, like I'm babysitting my baby until her real Mum turns up. Like I did when I was doing nannying or babysitting work in my early 20s. I look at DB and think, I don't know where you came from, how is this real. I make all the right facial expressions and noises - like you do with babies but I don't feel anything behind it beyond what you would feel with any child - a level of duty and protectiveness. It's like I'm a very convincing actress playing the role of a mother.

But I get up, I get out, I see people, I keep on top of the house, it's not always easy but I do it. But I just don't really feel anything quite a lot of the time.

That's not normal is it? Other Mum's talk about this overwhelming love.

Am I a monster? If the meds don't help or do anything, is this just who I am?

Sorry - no one can answer that and I'm just word dumping but I couldn't say this to anyone in RL.

I feel quite similar, I also don't 'think' I'm depressed because I can still function quite well, don't stay in bed all day and I go out and do normal things. But I suspect when you are on the medication you'll realise how you could be feeling. I've also been a bit nervous about trying medication too - it feels a bit like admitting defeat. But I know really there's no shame in it and it could really help. I hope it helps you.

And I don't know if it's normal. I look or speak to other mums and they seem to really enjoy being a mum, whereas I don't really. I love my child (I didn't when she was younger but I do now) but I find a lot of it boring and relentless. I don't seem to have the patience other mums have, and I dread sleepless nights, like get into a real panic about them. I sometimes just find it hard to cope with the day to day reality of being a parent.