Issue with dc and former friend, advice needed please, I think I'm in the wrong here.

[Issuewithdcfriendship]

I need some advice about this situation please. I'm not sure I'm handling it right so neutral opinions would be very welcome.

My dc is in primary school (older side of primary school)

They have been diagnosed with a very obvious medical problem, and are seen as getting favourable treatment due to this, although the treatment they get is essential, not favourable (reduced hours, time away from class etc)

A particular friend, who is actually, usually a really lovely kid, then also told my dc and I that they had the same condition. As well as telling me in person they faked some of the symptoms.

Long story short I inadvertently told the child's parent and it all came out, the childs parent was truly lovely about it all, I hold no grudges against the child either, and was sure to tell the child this too so they weren't fretting about it. At the end of a day they are a kid and they did something a bit daft, as most of us have.

I'm definitely not saying my kid is a perfect angel, far from it at times and there has been a lot of stirring up between the friendship group as well (screenshot messages of things both kids have said being passed on).

The issue is that my child no longer wishes to speak to the other child, and this child is clearly upset about this.

I have talked to my child about bullying, and nothing is being said to the kids face, or behind their back, but my child doesn't want to talk to this child anymore, they are really upset that something they discussed and 'supported' each other about was faked, and my child told the other lots of more personal things about their symptoms etc.

I should be clear that I never told my child that the other one was lying, I thought it best to let it slide, but other people in the friend group found out and told my kid.

I'm not forcing my child to forgive and forget, I think their feelings are valid, and, if someone did this to me as an adult I would likely never speak to them again either.

I am also very concerned that this child is upset, as I say, they are usually a really nice kid, and I hate them feeling like utter crap over the whole thing.

At the moment I'm supporting my child with their feelings, saying they don't have to talk if they don't wish, but absolutely no nasty behaviour will be tolerated.

I don't know that this is the right thing to do though, it's a really difficult one, and obviously my child is my priority, but its awful seeing the other child upset too.

Its such a tricky one, does anyone have some advice please because I'm at a real loss and I'm not sure that I'm handling this correctly.

You are handling it well I think. Your child feels betrayed and you need to accept those feelings. Maybe in time they can rebuild the friendship but don't push your DC on that. I would try to gently chat about why the other child did this, as it probably wasn't meant maliciously but explain that bottom line they need to be civil (as they seem to be).

I would inform the school so they are aware of what has happened and the current situation and ask for their advice.

I think with your DC you need to explain that ignoring and excluding is bullying but provided they remain civil/polite that's ok. Perhaps you need to think through some stock phrases such as "You have really hurt me and it's just changed things and I'm sad about it too".

I'd be struggling around how to help my DC with this too.

All you can do is hope that the other parent teaches their kid that actions have consequences.

And then leave your child to make up their own mind. Neither one of you really needs to empathise with the other child. They do seem to have acted in a really unpleasant manner and your DC obviously feels betrayed by whatever went on.

Harden your heart a little. It's a valuable learning experience for everyone!

If they have to talk in class then my dc does say the absolute minimum, they are really hurt.

I cannot fault the childs mum at all, she was absolutely amazing and the child has had consequences at home.

I know that excluding a child is bullying, but I also can't blame my child for not wanting anything to do with them right now. I don't want to encourage bullying, but I don't want to force my child to forgive when they aren't ready either. O don't know where the line is.

I know I don't have to empathise with the kid, but they really are a nice kid normally, they made a mistake and this is out of character for them, although they kept this pretence up for months, I can see that once the initial lie was out it was hard to back down and just easier to keep it going.

Its such a mess, and I don't know what to do for the best at all.

As long as your DD is polite then I wouldn’t force anything and let her work through it. My DD had issues with her friend who was suspected as having autism. I kept telling her she needed to make allowances and then I witnessed what she was trying to deal with. Until that point I had essentially told my DD that her feelings weren’t valid because I downplayed how she was feeling. She broke down because she felt I favoured her friend and her friend wasn’t kind to her. She understood that her friend sometimes struggled but always felt like I cared more about upsetting someone else. I was gutted because she was right. Tell your DD as long as she’s not being nasty etc that she feels this way for a reason. When she is ready she may find a way to forgive her friend.

I’d support your child, they’ve been lied to and I guess that feels like a betrayal. They don’t need to be friends with anyone they don’t want to be and as long as they are managing to be courteous, they don’t need to be actively friends. It’s a hard learning for the other child, but their parents can help them through it.

Just leave them to it. Kids fall out and then make friends again. It sounds like a pretty good reason to withdraw from a friendship to be honest.

Betrayal is a big feeling at that age. I can understand why your DC is struggling to forgive.

I 100% understand my child's feelings, I would feel the same way too. This is why I'm saying they don't have to talk if they don't wish, they just have to not be nasty or say anything horrible to or about this other child.

I just feel like not talking in the playground, when they have the same friendship group may be verging on bullying. The other child seems to be being left out a bit at the moment (I'm in the playground daily to pick to pick up my younger child from nursery) and its truly heartbreaking to see.

We are only a few days after this all came out so its still very early days but I really do feel sorry for the other kid.

Thanks for all your advice, it's helping me think more clearly about it all.

I do hope it all blows over, but my child is really hurt due to the nature of their chats, my child is really embarrassed about their condition as it is and was delighted to have someone going through the same thing to talk to

Cutting off a friendship is not bullying is it?
Am I missing something?
The other child knows exactly why your DC no longer wants to be friends.
Your DC needs to know that they can choose who their friends are and if someone behaves badly or betrays your trust you are absolutely allowed to make the decision to no longer be friends.
This doesn't mean your DC is a bully, I'd nip that sort of thought in the bud.
Your DC has been betrayed, doesn't want to be friends and now the word bully is being bandied about, classic victim blaming.
You're DC need your support to know that she has choices when it comes to friendships, the other DC knew what they were doing to the point that she made up an elaborate lie and kept it going so they must be smart enough to realise there are consequences.

I don't think my child is a bully, I have supported their stance but made it clear that no unkind words have to be exchanged.

Its really difficult seeing a kid in the playground so upset and not playing as usual with their friends though. They are at that tween age which is pretty difficult to handle, somewhere between little kid and teenager and not quite fitting into either category.

If my child was being left out I would view it as bullying, although I'm not sure if the other kid is just too embarrassed to behave as normal or if the group has made them feel unwelcome.

This is why I asked MN for neutral opinions, obviously I just see my kid and what has been done to them, and I was checking to see if other parents would view this as bullying behaviour from my child.

I'm just hoping it blows over soon, this is probably one of the harder situations I've had to deal with as a parent and I don't know if I'm doing it right.

Well, what is your alternative?

To tell your child to be kind, to put others ahead of her own mental health because that's being nice?

I know you don't, won't etc. But you seem to have wedged yourself between an emotional rock and a hard place.

Have you spoken to teachers? Maybe they could keep an eye out, help everyone come to a less distressing compromise. One that allows your DD her anger and disappointment.

Your child is doing exactly the right things and the only support you need to offer is along the lines of how to engage with other groups. Anything else is undermining her right to not have “friends” lie to her or use her medical information for their own benefit.

The other child needs to understand consequences. As an adult this is how we get cancer fakers.

It's not bullying so put that to one side. Have you tried to put yourself in your child's shoes? A friend fakes a disease you have and are feeling vulnerable about. You later find out they were lying. Are you quick to forgive or do you need time to reassess things? Give your child some space to process this. Allow them to stop being friends if that's right for them. Trust your child.

I haven't spoken to the teacher about this. My child seems happy as things are, and the other child isn't really my problem to speak to the school about. The school would likely intervene and try and make my kid become friends with the other, which my child absolutely wouldn't do right now and I fear it would cause my child more difficulties.

I probably need to shut myself off from this child's feelings, it's not my issue I suppose, I'm finding it difficult to do tbh. It's hard seeing a kid the same age as mine who has made an awful mistake and is struggling with the consequences of it.

I haven't discussed this with anyone else as I don't want my dcs conversations and details to get out, and I don't want others to think too badly of the other kid either, so this is really helpful. Thank you all.

I'll keep supporting my dc and just try and switch off from this other kid.

OP - I just wanted to say you seem a very kind and empathic person. I completely understand how you feel, I would be the same. I suspect the other child most likely didn’t do this to be malicious ( possibly because they saw your child was getting ‘different’ treatment, maybe in some misguided way to try and connect) - however the other child’s actions or motivations aren’t your child’s issue or problem and your child’s feelings are completely valid. It sounds like you are handling this really well - I’m sure the other child’s parents really appreciate the way you are dealing with it too. Other parents might not have been so considerate to the other child.