Would you date someone 12 years in recovery from alcoholism

[monroeagogo]

Friend started dating someone 12 years in AA and also recovering from mild drug use.

He seems lovely and stable but she's asking me for my advice on committing more as she's concerned about relapse. Hard to imagine but he sounded hideous when at his worst. Stealing etc.

My advice is that he's got good recovery and has been honest and open and she's got the best of him and no reason why it shouldn't continue.

Do you agree? Any other experiences?

If the person has completely avoided drugs and alcohol for the past 12 years, I think that's a long enough period to indicate that the person has genuinely changed. If it's 12 years with a few relapses during that period, I'd be much more wary.

No relapses as far as I'm aware.

I'm just checking I'm not being too encouraging but he seems so calm and together so, why not?

To come at it from a different angle, to a certain degree it depends on the lifestyle she'd like for herself going forwards. If she enjoys a drink, even just socially, would she be prepared to give that up if he's teetotal? I'd feel a uncomfortable drinking around someone who is still recovering but perhaps that's just me

After 12 years I think the person deserves a break and to not have his past still impact his future.

I was having a similar conversation with my grownup ds this week , and we both agreed that having a close relationship with somebody in recovery would absolutely depend on a) where they were on the journey and b) how much self awareness they had.

In your friend's case I would say that 12 years with no relapses is pretty impressive but to proceed with caution anyway because relationships can be complex regardless of any other other factors.

If things are still at a very early stage (which it sounds like they are given that they are still at the "dating" stage) I would advise your friend definitely not to rush into anything that would make it more difficult to leave the relationship, eg shared finances, moving in together. Any request for money (however plausible the reason given) would at this stage be a red flag suggesting he hasn't ditched the drug use.

12 years, when was the last relapse? If none then yes. If theres been issues in the last 5 yrs I would avoid.

I would worry that any disagreement could be the start of the drinking.
Having a family member with the same issues i dont have the emotional energy or physical time to have that kind of personal relationship.

Thanks everyone. This is giving a different perspective and insight.

I'd date him but I'd never risk my financial security, so I'd want things set up in the future that protected me as much as possible