*TRIGGER WARNING* Would this be classed as abuse?

[TRIGGERWARNING]

Name changed. I wasn't sure where or whether to post this, but I'm hoping for some views and a bit of clarity.

As a 13 year old, an 18 year old who I knew through a social organisation asked me out.

I remember my parents saying no to it because of the age difference, but then his parents got involved and said they would 'chaperone'. The memories are a bit hazy but I do remember going to the cinema with him and his family, shopping and other social events.

On one occasion we went back to his house after an event and went up to his room. I don't want to go into too much detail in case it upsets anyone - there was no penetrative sex but he 'encouraged' me to do other things. I was quite a young 13 year old (my friends where the 'not cool' group at school, I was quiet and still into bike riding/tree climbing type things) and I remember feeling surprised by what he was asking, not sure what to do and him talking me through it.

I remember ending it with him not long after and being completely repulsed by him whenever I saw him in the years after.

The incident has always stayed with me and I still feel horrible shame about it, but I've always felt that it was a relationship which I allowed, and therefore not any wrongdoing on his part. He had genuinely seemed to like me and was upset when I finished it. It wasn't like he had done this to me in secret or anything, his parents knew we were upstairs. I never told my parents it went that far and I've never told anyone about in IRL.

I'm in my mid 40's now and working through some issues including long standing low self esteem, social anxiety, and bouts of depression which have affected my adult life. It's been on the tip of my tongue many times to mention this experience but I have always thought it was a minor thing, juts a normal teenage experience.

It's only that it is still so prominent in my minds eye after all these years that I've started to question it.

What are your thoughts?

Yes, the age gap would make this abuse in my opinion. At 13, you were not old enough to make an informed choice about the 'things' (I assume, sexual) he was encouraging you to do.

He was 18. You were 13. Total imbalance of age, experience, and power. I would consider this abusive. The shame is not on you, it is on him, and on his parents who enabled it.

Thanks for replying. Yes, it was sexual - everything but penetrative sex really. I remember feeling out of my depth but I didn't stop it.

Yes it was abuse. He would be in a police cell if it happened now.

Absolutely shameful of his parents also who promised to chaperone and protect you. Atrocious behaviour on their part.

Yes, looking back I’m not sure what his parents were thinking. They had been a couple since secondary school and didn’t see a problem with my age but even so I remember his mum being concerned when he said we were going to watch a film upstairs as she’d told my mum we’d all be together. Maybe she genuinely thought nothing would happen?

Yes it was.
And both sets of parents share the blame. Yours less than his, but they said no, quite rightly and then let you go.

Yes, he took advantage of you.

You were only 13 and there is a massive difference in maturity and experience between an 18 year old, who is an adult from a legal point of view, and someone that age.

It also sounds like you were targeted because you were quiet and inexperienced and he groomed you into doing what he wanted.

It is actually disgusting that his parents said they would chaperone and allow a boy that age to date a 13 year old. I wonder what was going on in that family.

Your parents should have also stood up against his family and point blank refused the idea that you two could go out supervised by them or be alone in a room.

You did nothing wrong and the shame is on them.

Thank you all so much. I’ve never discussed this irl and the relief is huge.

Can I ask for opinions on whether to tell DH?

I can’t blame all my troubles and actions on this I know, but feel it may have affected me more than I knew.

Through my late teens and 20s I developed a brash, smoking, drinking, loud persona. I was very promiscuous and am ashamed to say would have sex with most people I liked the look of and who wanted me. I don’t know why because I felt horrible about it and still do. I don’t know how the painfully shy, quiet, sensible and conscientious child I was ended up with such low self worth. It’s taken a really long time to feel like myself again.

I’m now in a loving marriage but over the years my sex drive has dwindled to the point I have to psych myself up to get through it every couple of weeks. DH gets understandably frustrated with me.

I don’t know if talking about these past experiences would help or blow things completely apart.

Do you think your dh would understand? A lot of men don’t really seem to grasp the subtlety of sexual abuse when there aren’t clear red lines like rape involved.

It can be very, very painful to try and justify the impact. That’s why I’d advise talking to a counsellor or therapist (with experience in sexual exploitation) first.

It helps to hear your story in your own words first. Therapists are trained listeners in a way that other people aren’t.

Hmm. I’m not sure. He knows I’ve had more sexual partners than him and has definitely struggled with that.
I’m also not sure that I could describe it all to him properly.
You’re probably right that I should talk to a professional first, thank you

Yes it's wrong.