Dad that is mentally breaking 9 year old stepson

[DanHawkes]

I'm after some advice really.

The back story is this. I met my partner who has 2 boys aged 9 and 14 4 years ago. I have a son who is 7. My partner left her boys father within a year of the youngest being born. He was incredibly controlling and ground her down. He was a policeman and it's quite a common trait apparently. He has tried to destroy her. She had a total breakdown whilst with him and he turned his back on her and tried to get her sectioned and the kids away from her. But she got her life together, got a small house and moved on. He also moved on and married someone. The court ordered 50/50 custody based around his working shift pattern in the police, which meant the pattern was very haphazard. When the boys were in his care they weren't allowed to mention their Mum and certainly never allowed to miss her. He would go through their phones and ipads to ensure if there was any contact with Mum whilst they were with him, he could monitor the messages. This continued until the eldest boy became of an age whereby he can make his own decisions. He now only goes to his Dads sporadically which his Dad is convinced is because is Mum has brainwashed him and not because of his actions.

Now, the youngest (9 year old) is in a very difficult position and has been for over a year now. He wants to live with us predominently and see his Dad less frequently. This is not about getting at another father - far from it. However Dad does not have the best interest of son at the forefront of his mind. It's all about not letting the ex win. So he feeds him junk food which is causing weight gain. He tells him he shouldn't miss his Mum. He (the son) is struggling with some behavioural issues linked with mental health issues. This has been recognised by professionals and he is getting help for the behaviour, separation anxiety and general anxiety. Dad says there's nothing wrong because his son doesn't display these behaviours in front of him. This is because he puts on a show because he is scared of his Dad. We have now told Dad that his son is seeing a psychologist, the school mental health nurse and a CAMS specialist to try and get him 'fixed'. Because Dad doesn't believe in mental health or that his son has any problems and is now trying to prevent any of this from happening despite the professionals promoting these treatments.
As an example of how controlling Dad is, the boy has recently joined a football team. When in his Dads care, he still wanted myself and Mum to come and watch him train. We did this and kept a respectful distance and only waved when the boy waved at us. Later that day a message followed from Dad saying that if we go again in his time, he'll pull the boy from the team and take him elsewhere. This is about getting at his Mum and using the boy as a weapon.

My question is, can the boy be withdrawn from the 50/50 court order on the basis that it is the boys mental health best interests not to go there. If this can be done, how would one go about it without using costly solicitors? If further info is required, please let me know and I'll elaborate.

Any help will be greatly appreciated.

Surely if he doesnt want to go he cannot be forced ? No idea what you can do, talk to the son. Maybe speak to Gp about how this is affecting him mentally. Sorry not much help

Although a court order if the boy was to lock himself in his room or run and hide then how can he physically see his dad, i am sure that has happened.

You need legal advice. The courts are incredibly sexist when it comes to unreported abuse and subsequent mh issues and there is a strong chance that if you mention it her ex could use it to try and prove she isn’t a fit parent. It probably wouldn’t work but wouldn’t be healthy for anyone to endure. I know some solicitors and QCs are working together to try and change the system & will take on cases for free in some cases - womens aid etc might be able to point you in the right direction.

It sounds as though you need to return to court and try to vary the court order to reflect your step son's wishes. Don't stop contact as this will make the mother look as though she's trying to prevent contact which the court won't tolerate. They can, in certain circumstances, award permanent residence to the other parent if the other parent to preventing contact from taking place.

Court would most likely ask for Cafcass to investigate the situation and prepare a report depending upon their findings they would recommend to the judge what they think should happen.

You need to consult with a solicitor. Get as much evidence together of the controlling behaviour and the detrimental effect it's having upon your step son. The solicitor will advise you on what you should do going forward. Evidence gathering is really important though. Keep a diary, write down your step son's exact words etc. Don't be vague, be precise.

This process will take time. Nothing happens overnight and your step son needs to understand that he'll still need to go for contact for the time being. At his age, Cafcass will need to take his views on board - they will speak to your other step son as well. If you're lucky, contact will be reduced to reflect the boy's needs and wishes. Once he gets to about 13 he will be able to decline all contact should he wish.

Thank you for the comments.

Poor boy, sadly by any means necessary and not in the child's interest the courts will say the child must see their dad not matter how harmful. Hopefully he is near the age when he will finally get his wishes taken into account.