Can't do this any more. Losing the will to live.

[BakedBeanzies]

I'm really really struggling. My DS is 5, is autistic, PDA and possibly ADHD but can't get that diagnosed for another year and also has ARFID.
Things have gotten absolutely awful since he started school this year and everything is totally out of control now.
He lasted at school for 4 weeks before they put him on reduced hours where he only goes for 2 hours 3 days a week. They have no intention of extending this and have said if I push for him to go back more they will exclude.
His EHCP has been sent to some of the specialist schools in the area who take his age group and 2 have not replied and one has straight up rejected him saying they can't meet his 'extreme needs'.
There is literally no support from anywhere. Everything i have been put in touch with has failed to offer any support and I feel like I'm drowning.
My partner has given up, says he can't cope any more and barely comes home as he hates it here. I have no family whatsoever so no support there.
DS is really struggling so his behaviour reflects this. He has destroyed everything in the house, everything has been broken, taken apart, damaged etc. He is getting so physically violent, I am a punching bag all day long. Because of the PDA everything is a battle and results in meltdowns from the minute we get up until the minute we go to bed. Bedtimes are horrible as DS struggles to stay asleep so we are functioning on about 4 hours of sleep a night. He has ARFID so his diet is extremely extremely limited and he doesn't feed himself so I have to spend about 2 hours every meal time feeding him. We can't really go out any where if there are people about as DS is physically rough with other children, is very impulsive so will run off or jump into roads in front of cars etc.
I feel like every day of my life is torture. I honestly have never been so miserable in my life. Its awful but I just wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up as this just feels relentless and never ending.
I have become extremely sensitive to noise and as DS is a sensory seeker everything has to be on full volume all the time and on repeat and it drives me mad. I also have become very sensitive to being touched at all due to being hurt all day long so when I say I feel like I'm being tortured it really feels that way.
I just feel utterly helpless. Feel awful for DS too as all of this must be horrible on him too and I can't imagine how he feels when all day every day I'm stressed and shouting at him or crying because I am so burnt out. Its not his fault and I know that but I'm only human and I can't cope with this any more. I don't know what to do.

Is there anything that DS can do, or do for himself? Any interests, obsessions? Does he speak or read at all?

There isn't much he can do by himself as he needs one to one pretty much all day long. Since starting school he has developed a fear of being left alone so I can't even go to the toilet without him becoming scared and kicking and banging at the door to let him in. He doesn't initiate play by himself or anything like that. He does have interests and obsessions but like I said, its all stuff I would have to do with him. Its really exhausting. I get carers allowance as I can't work due to not having anyone who can look after DS so it really is a 24/7 job for me which is why I'm feeling so burnt out.

When I was young, a local methodist church had a respite session for children like this, and I helped out for a while. 2 hours on a Saturday morning. It was tough going. How you do it 24/7 defies belief

Hmmm. You can get ruggedized tablets/PCs. Touch screen apps? I'm thinking charities may give grants for this type of equipment. I know computer babysitter bad and all that, but for this type of child, it may be the only way of getting a short break from it all. (Does he have the hyperfocus that can go along with impulsivity?) Without seeing your son in action, it's difficult to know.

A door with a window for the bathroom? Crazy, but they have them in hospices.

Hi. I was where you are about a year ago. At one point I seriously considered injuring myself in order to get some more help. You need to ask for a social care assessment from your council and use the words urgent and crisis and family breakdown. Literally tell them that your husband is on the point of leaving. They should send a social worker around who will tell you that they will apply for funding but all the places are full. However there are alway other places that can give respite support that are not always mentioned such as temporary overnight fostering instead of a respite home. Some of the special needs club's where we are also put together bespoke packages for kids who need them. Basically there is always something, it is just that often the council don't seem to be able to think out of the box.

It will get better. Honestly it will.

We have a foster carer who is going to give us a break for a while at weekends for a couple of hours occasionally. Hopefully we will fine a couple of good Pas in the next year and that should give us plenty of cover for when we need it.

Op I am.a former social.worker and now a pastoral.lead and I completely agree with making a.self.referal to.social care and asking for an assessment of needs.
School cannot go.to a part time.timetable.when he has an EHCP and if they excude then the LEA has to offer him.alternative provision.
It's shocking that you have been left like this.
Shout shout and shout some.more.
And.also SENDIAS are fabulous.
Good luck.

I don't have practical advice, but I just want to say your husband is being a complete shit. He gets to go out to work that doesn't mean he can leave you alone to cope exclusively. That's not how being a father works. At least if you were separated he'd have to take your son some of the time.

Have you spoken with your local authorities children with disabilities team?

You can request an assessment if you haven’t already done that

Thank you for the replies and suggestions. I'm definitely going to refer to social care. I will also get onto the school again about extending DSs hours. I have used family fund for an ipad which miraculously hasn't been broken yet, the things that get broken are more like things such as the vacuum cleaner or the cooker or any household ornament etc as DS likes to break things to see how they work/ see if he can fix them. Then there are all the other things that get broken during the meltdowns etc. He has a very short attention span so haven't found anything to hold his attention yet

the things that get broken are more like things such as the vacuum cleaner or the cooker or any household ornament etc as DS likes to break things to see how they work/ see if he can fix them.

Ah. A budding engineer. If you find a way to live with the destruction, maybe one day he will fix things too. (Memories... It just came apart in my hands, Dad... The catchphrase of one of my brothers. These days he's known as the man with brains in his fingers). Maybe the local tip can supply some no longer wanted items for him to dismantle?

Maybe it isn't a miracle that the Ipad is still in one piece. Maybe this is how he shows you he values it working.

I also agree about just taking him to school for normal hours if it won't distress him further. The school and council just need to sort it out. Was he at nursery before school? Could they have him for a few hours a week?

Checking in to see how you are...