How do you deal with emotional invalidation from parents?

[emotionallyinvalidated]

There is a particular issue that I have that rears it’s ugly head up every so often and when it does, my DM just completely invalidates my feelings about it. She can’t see why I feel this way, so therefore why do I? She wants me to explain to her why I have these feelings but I don’t think I should have to justify myself to her (or anyone for that matter). She’s not talking to me now over it (again 🙄). I’m in my 40’s for fucks sake, so why does this get to me so much?

Anyone else have a parent like this? How do you deal with situations where they make your feelings invalidated?

Yep. I'm working on setting firmer boundaries with her. With mixed results but I think I'm making progress. Just refuse to engage.

What are your feelings about op? I can quite see that if you are saying stuff like 'My life is not worth living, the world would be a better place if I killed myself ' parents are going to question that and rightly so. Sometimes what we 'feel' is not true. Or it may be what we feel, but based on incorrect thoughts for example 'Everyone hates me ' We can acknowledge someone's feelings without colluding with them

@Notanotherwindow She’s refusing to engage with me now! 😂

@MrsPsmalls I don’t want to say specifically as it would out me (Daily Fail 🙄) but it’s about my feelings on the way I’ve been treated by others.

You need to never bring it up again. She doesn't agree. She doesn't see why she should agree. She doesn't see why you feel the way you do.

She isn't going to change. Avoid the issue. Seek validation elsewhere.

It's madness to keep discussing the same thing, expecting a different response!

@picklemewalnuts I didn’t bring it up, haven’t done for years, unfortunately someone else did and it put me in a situation where I had to ‘defend’ myself as it were. I was happy never to speak about it again! 🙄 I do have people in my life who agree with me. I just wondered how others have dealt with parents who just invalidate your feelings. I realise that growing up, this was done to me a lot and consequently I have emotional issues that affect me on a daily basis. DM would, of course, disagree with that! 🙄

" She wants me to explain to her why I have these feelings but I don’t think I should have to justify myself to her (or anyone for that matter)"

So she doesn't agree that your feelings are appropriate. You won't explain to her.

Maybe she feels you are being unreasonable. Maybe you are - a random on the internet can't tell. Maybe she feels you won't validate her feelings.

@amicissimma She thinks all my feelings on this subject are unreasonable because she can’t see my side of things. I can acknowledge her side of things and have done but she won’t acknowledge mine 🤷🏻‍♀️

My mum does this. I read an interesting book about being the adult child of emotionally immature parents and it resonated a lot. She really does not do empathy, or admitting if she's wrong, and struggles to understand that people are different from her. I deal with it by expecting this behaviour from her so I'm not disappointed. In a way I feel sorry for her now.

Why do you bother telling her about it?

Just don't discuss it with her. She doesn't agree with you for whatever reason and it doesn't sound as though she will change her mind.
You will either have to agree to disagree and let it go, or cut all contact.

So frustrating for you.

I ignore it or do the 'yes, I know what you think, you've already said' shut down.

If it's generally a difficult relationship I'd do 'grey rock'. It's the only way to handle my DM. Just give her nothing. When sensitive subjects are brought up, say 'there there, let's have a cup of tea. Did you watch Strictly last night?'.

I became so much happier when I stopped expecting anything from my mother. She's not going to validate my emotions, care about my emotions, comfort/support me or generally be a nice mum.
It's much easier to cope with now I don't expect her it! I mean, it's shit I know. But better than still being disappointed.

I simply refuse to discuss with mine.