Any amateur life coaches around?

[eithermore]

Sorry probably a bit of a crappy title. Essentially, I don't function very well in randomly thrown together groups.

If I know people well, I can enjoy being part of a group but in settings where I don't know people that well, I feel I'm hopeless. Random groups of people for example is the school run in one dc year as I don't know the mums very well and they seem a bit cliquey, another dc's sports activity where he goes several times a week. The mums at pick up gossip a lot and moan about everything and everyone (I'm quite sure they gossip about me and dc too) so I feel stressed in these situations.

I feel the same at work as I am contracting and people I work with vary from month to month.

I work 28 hours and have my work cut out rushing from school pick up to kids activities and my days are filled with mostly online meetings.

I feel exhausted and kind of don't want to talk with anyone as I have no headspace left. But I also really miss being close to people and having a good chat.

My main interactions are with random mums at pick up or random colleagues who change from month to month. I feel like a social numpty and have little time or connection with older friends as they live a distance way.

So grating and unsatisfying.

Anyone wasn't to help me unpick this?

You come across as being very judgemental tbh, and you assume everyone else thinks the same. It's not true. If you feel everyone else is gossiping, do you change the subject to something more positive?

Having children at the same school/activity doesn't mean you are going to get on well with everyone. You can make polite conversation for the hour or two that you are there, but if you are looking for longer-term friends I would aim more towards an interest/hobby of your own to find people that you have more in common with.

Even though you frequently work with different groups, do you ever keep in contact with colleagues you gel with? Or is that trickier with it being mostly online just now.

Thank you @ChicCroissant, I honestly am actually really inclusive of people whatever their differences. I find the gossipy conversations hard as they mostly gossip about people in a negative way and I find this inane and boring. Also I'd feel bad discussing other people's issues in that way.

I don't mind speaking about others but try and keep it positive, I usually try and include those that seem a bit left out. But there a few vocal people and the chats are always about putting others down. I try and change the conversation sometimes but I feel burnt out and have little resilience so end up feeling anxious and worried I end up ostracised (which happened to me and dc1). I know it's pathetic and want to change.

I could've posted this!!

I'm an awkward twit...

Don't like people, hate social gatherings of any kind BUT
At the same time crave new friends!!

People do judge and it's getting worse.

You either fit or you don't.

PM me if possible on here hun?

Sounds like you don’t want to engage in the school gate chit chat but you would like a close friend or group of friends?

And that the social stress of feeling ‘on the margins’ of the mums groups is somehow compounding your feeling of work or general work-life stress?

Yes I think that's right @yika but because I'm bogged down with work and running the kids around, I have no energy or headspace to start developing closer friendships. I have some lovely mum friends (acquaintances?) but I haven't seen most of them since October because I had Covid in November and have been so busy since then. We had to self isolate over the Christmas break...

I feel tense and tired. I miss having a close girl friends and feel captive as I am spreading 28 hours over 5 days so no time for myself.

I hate moaning like this but feel something just has to change, it's so miserable.

I also suppose I feel overly concerned about being left out so maybe I pay too much attention to 'they don't like me 'signals'

• captive to my job

I used to be like this so feel your pain. Still am to some extent. I still hate speaking to people at school run - even friends.

I would say don't actively look for a close friend, just make as many acquaintances as possible and take it from there. Say Hello to everyone you vaguely recognise. Go to the socials. Be 'present' (but not annoying) on the class whatsapp. Have you got a couple of hours for PTA or another school volunteer group or book club e.g. ? All of this will be outside your comfort zone but you kind of have to suck it up and go through the pain if you do want to find friendships.

Also unless you're shagging the head or siphoning off school funds, they aren't gossiping about you or disliking you. They don't give you headspace because they don't know you. Once you realise that, you can relax.

What is nothing you the most, the friends issue or the lack of time for yourself?

Good question Yika, I'd have to say lack of time for myself to decompress. I actually think that if I had lots more time to myself I'd have closer friendships and be more relaxed.

I can relate to that ‘no room to breathe’ feeling. Do you have any ideas about how to carve out time to yourself or alleviate the pressure? You’ve mentioned your working pattern so I wonder if that’s something that can be changed?