Please please help re work - Can I get past this?

[Verysadatwork]

I need help to stabilise a situation at work. Feeling a bit desperate

I started consulting for a business 6 years ago, grew with it, got closer in, grew a lovely team and finally accepted my dream job in December heading up a department.
It is led by one person, an inspirational person and tbh I had blind faith in him/felt I could trust him. I’ve been bullied at work in the past, 20 years ago, so this was a big deal.

Anyway we have a horrible structural problem in my particular field (thank you Brexit) which I’ve been trying to overcome (without support I now realise). It’s really challenging. I thought we had a solution which required recruiting a candidate with a very specific profile. I found someone. They had warning signs person-wise but I recommended them saying that the very nature of the role would channel them so they weren’t disruptive.

My now-boss came back saying we’d recruited candidate so I phoned the candidate to say hi. To my shock, the candidate talked as though they were now my peer or even boss, I asked to see the job offer and to hear the interview tape - my boss had got excited by candidate and effectively made up a job on the spot that would cut through the heart of my team. He had talked about me too, saying we had a leadership gap and a skills gap and I was a nice person but would mind him saying so.

I was in real shock. I’ve spent the past month trying to rebuild from my side, working out what I could do to help candidate but also myself, trying to feed my boss better information for future interviews etc. The candidate fairly quickly realised there was a problem and has underperformed (unsurprising, because it was a non-existent role unless we dismantled the department). There is an initial consultancy period and candidate has just gone quiet. I feel bad about this but it was impossible to square the circle.

Last week I had to present the first monthly report to boss and my two line managers. The three of them have had their own issues. My line managers have been of very little/no help. I didn’t see how I could do it without speaking with boss - he gave me an hour in a public place ( he is very overstretched so this is hard for him). We talked about the issue a bit but I was hesitant, didn’t want to be emotional or needy and it finished with him saying “so we’re good?”.

In the meeting it was really awkward because the line managers had no idea and were asking me questions I couldn’t answer without disclosing the content of the private conversation.

I got an angry email from boss next day demanding answers to the questions so I just answered them “as if” the issues had gone away. Then yesterday he rang asking what was going on and saying that in the meeting “it was like you hated us’’. So I had to tell the truth about how I really felt - like the trust and the plans had been bulldozed through and that my line managers were not empowered to support me. I ended up crying. He said it was a good call. I followed up to say I need my line manager to shoulder the structural issue burden with me.

I then kept bursting into tears for the rest of the afternoon and was crying during the night too. I haven’t cried at work for 20years.

I don’t know what to do. The 3 person management team are lovely people but they aren’t functional as managers, have grossly undermined me and have put me in an impossible situation. It’s like working for Henry VIII or something.

I would hate to leave my colleagues and I’m really good at managing my core team - we are close knit and happy.

‘“Wouldn’t mind’

Could you strip out the excess from the post above - sorry, I don't mean to be rude but your issue is hard to see? The problem you are tryingto solve is? new person not fitting in? Boss relationship???

Yeah I’m sorry but this is really confusing.
Something has happened that has upset you and caused you issues at work. You’ve not raised this with your boss and ultimately have it’s all blown up as it’s not been addressed(?)
I don’t understand boss and 2 line managers though. Is your boss not your line manager?

I'm really sorry Max and Griffin, it's the emotions.

Yes, as you say, Something has happened that has really upset me and caused me issues at work. I did try to raise his with my boss but it was only dealt with on surface level/the seriousness was not understood. Utimately have it’s all blown up as it’s not been addressed.

The problem is my relationship with the three people above me. Before New Year we were entrepreneur-led and had no structure as a business. Now said entrepreneur is boss and has appointed two people beneath him. Those two people are supposed to be my line managers. I don't know if they are any good at their jobs because they aren't empowered to help me/form a relationship with me - when I have meetings with them boss joins in the meeting. It's like he can't learn to get out of his own way.

Boss is jumpign in making frankly dangerous and erratic decisions because he no longer has time to dive down and gather the ground level information in the way he could when he started the business. This is having dire consequences for me.

Separately, I'm not a very trusting person and it was a massive deal for me to trust. It was when a lovely colleague died that I realised I'd found a work "home" and I wanted to honour said colleague's legacy and keep up the lovely environment we all worked in. So I guess I'm imbuing all this with too much weight/significance.

Hi
I work as a business strategist and the transition from start up to successful business is difficult especially with lack of structure. its stressful in that environment unless you are a cut and thrust sort of person.
Generally in my experience bosses that start up rarely can lead or set structure - they need a good No.2 to do this.

So has the organisation been appraised in that there is a proper structure, growth goals, KPI's per Dept and proper reporting structure?

For me there are two issues here:

1. Your personal/ emotional style is not gelling with the business at present. So you upskill, find a niche, gain credibility/ influence or leave.

1. There are scaling issues which need to be seen through to growth.

Have you ever seen the Greiner Model - it might explain a lot if you understand it?
www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newLDR_87.htm

Thank you.
It’s impressive how you cut through it

Ok, read that link.
Yes, that’s us!

Re this bit:

1. Your personal/ emotional style is not gelling with the business at present. So you upskill, find a niche, gain credibility/ influence or leave.

I do gel with the team I run and my peers - but not those above me sadly. As individuals, yes, but as managers no. :(

Any ideas where I can start on you list of options?

Your support to a stranger is appreciated x

OK, so the first thing that struck me was that you are looking at work through an emotional lens. In that mindset you are easily swayed and goals are hard to decide and deliver as you are always triggered/ pleasing people. I'm not saying dont be emotional but right now its hard assed deliverables that get you through. You have emotional history of being burnt in work situations. Thats just context.
So all organisations are dysfunctional - even the best ones. Its up to you to spot, name the dysfunction that stops you achieving and figure out how to fix it to get goals that you can own. Rembember that at all times you have a personal brand that increases in value when you problem solve roadblocks.

So on your questions:

I do gel with the team I run and my peers - but not those above me sadly. As individuals, yes, but as managers no. sad
OK, so you can manage a team but not influence above. Why? Afraid? No Skills? Pushback?

Ask:
What problem am I trying to solve?
What kind of organisaton is this?
How are we set up to solve this problem?

You should ALWAYS have an exit strategy - I am going to go when X happens, You get burned when you miss the signs. So what timeline are you going to give this, to do what, measured how (aligned to company goals preferably)

I nearly always work with businesses like this. Stuck, politics, silos, personal issues...not effective.

Tell me what you think?

I think you're a rock star :) you might get a mumsnet award out of this.

You are reading me dead right.

Let me go do those deliverables then will reply.

Bloody hell @ThisisMax I hope you're paid well for what you do.

Glad you're seeing some great support here OP. I think you posted similarly a few weeks ago about the strange dynamics. Sorry it's making you upset.

@Verysadatwork Cool. Lets work out how to get this better for you or if not better, a plan. There might be some coaching maybe you could find or another way you can use your skillset. come back to me with your next message.

@SilverHairedCat Thanks. I worked in dysfunctional orgs for years so now I work with them trying to iron out stuff to make them humane places to work hopefully.

yes silver that was me.

how clever you are to spot the continuation despite the name change! :)

takes a quick break from deliverables>

"I do gel with the team I run and my peers - but not those above me sadly. As individuals, yes, but as managers no. sad"
"OK, so you can manage a team but not influence above. Why? Afraid? No Skills? Pushback?"

Until 1st Jan I was a consultant - had been for 6 years. I had gradually built up influence, hours, commitment, a place there, until it was full time and not viable tax-wise apart from anything else.
Quite a bit of what works at the business is because of me. But it was what your diagram calls the "creative" phase - I contributed out of free will.

A couple of things happened that made me feel emotionally closer to the business and like I trusted boss to the extent I could become employed again.
An abusive man from my private life (not family) made a false complaint about me - I had to disclose it to boss. Boss was absolutely wonderful and supportive.
A close colleague died - he was the guy that we had to go to if we thought we'd been negligent/should be struck off/etc. In fact he was the person I'd had to self-report to. So an incredibly important person in terms of the culture.

At that point I went to boss and said "HMRC is going to come after me at some point and i'm ready - can I have a job?". Being an entrepreneur he offered me one for a low wage. I said a calm no. Then he came back with his new "structure" and offered me one with the head of department role and a high enough wage that - with bonus - I'd just about keep my take-home pay. I consider my tax to be my problem and the bonus bits I semi-ignored: I just went with my gut that it would be fine.
I guess it was a case of blind faith in one individual - not such a good thing.

So that's how things were up to New Year.

.... so New Year came and I even had to ask boss if I was now employed. everything felt the same and I was chilled out and really loving my team (and I honestly think they would say they are well managed and they are doing really well with their deliverables).

Then this bombshell with the consultant being onboarded who clearly thought they had been recruited to be either my peer or my boss.
Then the garbled OP hopefully starts to make a bit more sense.

Anyway Max I think I was suppressing these feelings of loss - almost grief - for the honeymoon period; trying to work out what I'd done wrong; feeling aggrieved that boss had done this to me (after all giving up your self-employed status with HMRC is a one-way street - you can't go back!). The work has been fine, the core team have been great but the relationship with the consultant was clearly dysfuntional and frankly I felt terrible (and bizarrely responsible) for how they had been treated. The consultant had an uneven set of skills and I knew they were not the right person to be in my team but I was also very aware that all I could do was limit the damage: after all I'd just given up my independence and had to obey direct instructions.

The direct instructions I received were bad not just because of my upset with being undermined, not even just because of the consultant's people skills, but also because the solution to the structural problem that now-boss had settled on was actively dangerous (as in possibly not even lawful) but if I said so he'd just think it was bruised ego.

So I have been racked with bruised ego, self-doubt, disappointment at being actively mistreated in such an act of thoughtlessness, a weird sort of grief/loss feeling, on top of all the normal pressures of the actual job (which would completely fallen apart but for the fact that I have a great team that I manage well).

And apparently at the big report meeting these suppressed feelings came out "as if you hated us" whereas I thought I was being neutral and just saying when I couldn't answer questions. Which I couldn't becaue the 3 people in the room all have their history with each other and I didn't want to undermine any of them with each other.

So from dream to nightmare really.

just bumping the lovely @thisismax :)

had a normal day doing the day-job today. Bliss!

@Verysadatwork

>takes a quick break from deliverables>

"I do gel with the team I run and my peers - but not those above me sadly. As individuals, yes, but as managers no. sad"
"OK, so you can manage a team but not influence above. Why? Afraid? No Skills? Pushback?"

Until 1st Jan I was a consultant - had been for 6 years. I had gradually built up influence, hours, commitment, a place there, until it was full time and not viable tax-wise apart from anything else.
Quite a bit of what works at the business is because of me. But it was what your diagram calls the "creative" phase - I contributed out of free will.

A couple of things happened that made me feel emotionally closer to the business and like I trusted boss to the extent I could become employed again.
An abusive man from my private life (not family) made a false complaint about me - I had to disclose it to boss. Boss was absolutely wonderful and supportive.
A close colleague died - he was the guy that we had to go to if we thought we'd been negligent/should be struck off/etc. In fact he was the person I'd had to self-report to. So an incredibly important person in terms of the culture.

At that point I went to boss and said "HMRC is going to come after me at some point and i'm ready - can I have a job?". Being an entrepreneur he offered me one for a low wage. I said a calm no. Then he came back with his new "structure" and offered me one with the head of department role and a high enough wage that - with bonus - I'd just about keep my take-home pay. I consider my tax to be my problem and the bonus bits I semi-ignored: I just went with my gut that it would be fine.
I guess it was a case of blind faith in one individual - not such a good thing.

So that's how things were up to New Year.

@Verysadatwork

OK. I am going to comment on this post first. Sorry this may be the most boring thread on Mumsnet!
OK. So, first of all you were an external contributor - a condsultant and thus had some autonomy, external views and were part of the 'out' group as opposed to the in group.

So I am guessing two things made you a consultant:

1. Necessity given you were 'burnt' by previous work experiences and so had organisational distrust.

1. You realised (maybe by chance) that you did your best work as a sole contributor - an ideas person. Maybe you were good at seeing structure possibilities, reporting lines etc. Or maybe you were excited by the masrket or product possibilities. You were comfortable doing that in a semi external way that felt safe.Possibly you get excited by the 'build' phase - the possibilities.

Then you were 'open' with your boss and lost a colleague - both quite difficult things to happen. So in a way you brought your 'real' self to the table.
Your colleague sounds like a lynchpin - and important culturally. So there was a gap.
The business is growing at this point and standards are slipping as things are being done fast, because it sounds like arefgulated industry you are keeping your eye on the growth ball and more on the regulatory ball too ( we might be struck off). So you are scanning the horizon whilst others are putting up the tents.

Then for tax reasons you were maybe forced INTO the organisation (not a safe place for you with real roles and past history - not a contractor anymore) and your boss (a starter upper) came with an Org chart that was quickly put together....
That satisfied the tax stuff, gave you your wage but presented you with other issues...
Those issues are around contribution, status, historical relationships (old style vs new style) etc etc...
Thread 2 below.

@Verysadatwork

.... so New Year came and I even had to ask boss if I was now employed. everything felt the same and I was chilled out and really loving my team (and I honestly think they would say they are well managed and they are doing really well with their deliverables).

Then this bombshell with the consultant being onboarded who clearly thought they had been recruited to be either my peer or my boss.
Then the garbled OP hopefully starts to make a bit more sense.

Anyway Max I think I was suppressing these feelings of loss - almost grief - for the honeymoon period; trying to work out what I'd done wrong; feeling aggrieved that boss had done this to me (after all giving up your self-employed status with HMRC is a one-way street - you can't go back!). The work has been fine, the core team have been great but the relationship with the consultant was clearly dysfuntional and frankly I felt terrible (and bizarrely responsible) for how they had been treated. The consultant had an uneven set of skills and I knew they were not the right person to be in my team but I was also very aware that all I could do was limit the damage: after all I'd just given up my independence and had to obey direct instructions.

The direct instructions I received were bad not just because of my upset with being undermined, not even just because of the consultant's people skills, but also because the solution to the structural problem that now-boss had settled on was actively dangerous (as in possibly not even lawful) but if I said so he'd just think it was bruised ego.

So I have been racked with bruised ego, self-doubt, disappointment at being actively mistreated in such an act of thoughtlessness, a weird sort of grief/loss feeling, on top of all the normal pressures of the actual job (which would completely fallen apart but for the fact that I have a great team that I manage well).

And apparently at the big report meeting these suppressed feelings came out "as if you hated us" whereas I thought I was being neutral and just saying when I couldn't answer questions. Which I couldn't becaue the 3 people in the room all have their history with each other and I didn't want to undermine any of them with each other.

So from dream to nightmare really.

@Verysadatwork

PART 2!

Then a new person comes on the scene, your job is not quite clear and roles or responsibilities of new person are very abstract.

Then comes your emotional lens:
I have made a mistake.
I am not in a good position.
I have accepted less and traded off my independence.
I have a relationship/ responsibnility with a new team member who is not what I thought they should be.
My boss has not been straight with me.
I miss my colleague.

Then a key solution was reached that you did not agree with. You feel you cannot say anything even though you have reservations. So theres an ethical issue and a personal issue which clouds your ability to comment.

So, now the business has a crisis of leadship and cannot move to collaboration stage. You are stuck/ hurt/ confused. Is that correct?

So. You have choices. Some unpalatable.

1. You go to your boss and say sorry this is just not my bag its been great but bye and best of luck.
2. You tell your boss you cannot possibly do the solution as its questionable in many ways and what does he suggest (fix or exit)
3. You tell your boss that you think the company would really benefit from an external overview and alignment exercises that deliver organisational structure and growth and you would like to be the champion of this.
4. You say nothing and tick along managing your own stress and look for opportunities far away from the current situation so you can leave. (This will addd to your 'organisations are scary places' narrative btw)
5. You look for other options?
6. You say that you would love to contribute more and you want to work with the business but the role just does not float your boat and you would like more seniority and you would like to train up on certain areas of skills to be really good at things the company needs to grow.

Remember you have to manage your organisational mistrust, financial wellbeing, career progression and your personal work pedigree which travels with you. Strip out the emotion - think only in strategy - if it were chess what would the scenarios play out like?

What do you think you should do?

You do not disappoint :)

1. You go to your boss and say sorry this is just not my bag its been great but bye and best of luck.

I thought about that over the weekend. I would miss my colleagues. You can’t make new old friends. I think things might improve then I’d regret leaving. Also, fire-meet frying-pan?

1. You tell your boss you cannot possibly do the solution as its questionable in many ways and what does he suggest (fix or exit)

I told him that straight yesterday. Given our jobs, it is not really arguable. I told him I feared the consequences. I think he will listen

1. You tell your boss that you think the company would really benefit from an external overview and alignment exercises that deliver organisational structure and growth and you would like to be the champion of this.

It is my opinion that it would - hugely. My boss has been attending change management courses but not implementing them with any success. He likes people like me who have stood on their own two feet and we tend not to be structure people. As interim, I asked if my [currently-disempowered] line manager could be tasked with supporting me in managing the specific structural burden that has proved so poisonous.

1. You say nothing and tick along managing your own stress and look for opportunities far away from the current situation so you can leave. (This will addd to your 'organisations are scary places' narrative btw)

I think I tried that and it came across as suppressed rage. I think it’s not an option unless I resign from the official leadership role

1. You look for other options?

Yes. But better to be able to say what team has achieved

1. You say that you would love to contribute more and you want to work with the business but the role just does not float your boat and you would like more seniority and you would like to train up on certain areas of skills to be really good at things the company needs to grow.

I think I’m the ideas-plus-mentoring-plus-good-at-training person. I’m not the professional manager we need. Besides, new role is dream job if I can just be allowed do it

Remember you have to manage your organisational mistrust, financial wellbeing, career progression and your personal work pedigree which travels with you. Strip out the emotion - think only in strategy - if it were chess what would the scenarios play out like?
How do you strip it out?

What do you think you should do?
Give it a bit more time now I’ve said my piece. Give him a chance

I think thats all vald.
What do you think your boss is really good at?

Wow! Some wonderful insights in this thread! It’s so lovely to observe.

There are lots of layers going on here, and it looks like these wonderful mumsneters can help you support yourself through this.

But to what end?

Personal growth? This is valid I think. If now is the right time for personal growth.

But otherwise this just all sounds horridly chaotic, mixed with your recent grief and frightening experiences outside of work, it feels like everyone is running around trying to ignore that everything is on fire. It’s exhausting just to read, you must be close to expiring!

I would recommend taking a couple of weeks sick leave. Breath. Find a good therapist to help support you whilst you find your strength and possibly (I may be projecting here) some antidepressants?

Very importantly, pay a CV writer to make your current project look good, at its current unfinished position, so you feel confident you have an out.

Follow up question:
How do you take emotion out of work when it is tied to the very qualities like loyalty that you are valued for?

@Verysadatwork
OK - Your Q: How do you take emotion out of work when it is tied to the very qualities like loyalty that you are valued for?

OK, so this is a great question and a lot of people struggle with it. The best people I have worked with have a few things that stand out - one of them is being able to do this - unhook emotions vs qualities vs work life. They are very good at self regulation - for example they might deal with a difficult situation and internally say ' That was awful, so unkind etc' and then think of a way to verbalise this afterwards. They learn to be great communicators. You can't react emotionally if you want to be taken seriously in most organisations - generally it makes people uncomfortable and unfortunately for women it marks their future work card in a much more damaging way than men.

So you clearly hold great value in loyalty etc - which is fine. So if you have an issue I would say you learn to 'park' that in your mind and then say your piece but always link it to the business. So it might be 'Simon I think thats a great idea but the business really needs a strong team now and maybe we should consider including X Y &Z' - in reality you are being strategic. Generally if you mention things that are emotional or hard to measure in strategic discussions or in discussions with colleagues or stakeholders that you dont know then you set yourself up for failure as they 'read' them as inconsequential.

Everything you say in a meeting context should be thought through and I encourage people to use a clarification question to help achieve this - it buys time and fixes other peoples need to be heard; 'Emily thats interesting , so do you think that X equals this then?' etc. Ask questions that inform you better than anyone else. I always let others take the lead but have an agenda in front of me that I want and I ask ONLY based on that. If you only ask questions of value and align these with objectives to be achieved you start to look like the smart person in the room.

I love Edward de Bonos stuff around communication - it might help.

Also you might note - in start ups things are frantic and fragmented - exciting for some people so the style or pace of communicating is different. When scaling up and adding in processes usually the team that does this is new and they are hired for structure stuff - they push out the fragmented thinkers (hence my question about exit strategy up post) - loyalty takes a back seat to structure.
I am one of those structure people who values emotion but it does not come first - structure does as that drives growth.

Does this help?

"it feels like everyone is running around trying to ignore that everything is on fire"

lol it has felt a bit like that you have made me laugh.

"What do you think your boss is really good at?"

gosh so many things. starting and growing businesses that provide an environment where the at-arms-length people (at least) can thrive.

being comfortable in his own skin

being fundamentally decent (though hardheaded - more so than before, he has really toughened up and become more ruthless)

respecting people who are creative, or who are productive.

caring about people who have been with him a long time (though see above about increasingly ruthless)

also, everyone who meets him wants to be his best friend - I guess charisma? I used to think that was a strength but in all honesty I'm not sure that's still working so well at this stage (because of where we are on your chart).