Sorry this will be quite long…
I am at the end of my tether here. As the title says, I am being indirectly harassed by an ex of mine. It’s long because I need to explain the backstory a little before I get into the current problem, so please bear with me:
This person was somebody I knew during high school, had had a crush on for a few years but he wasn’t interested at first, so we remained friends. He had always been a really great friend to me, treated me really well, and a lot of that was the reason I liked him so much, for so long. Eventually after we left school, he asked me to be his girlfriend following me leaving an incredibly abusive relationship wherein I had actually been r*ped by my abuser too (reported to police.)
This guy knew about all of this, and had even witnessed a lot of the abuse for himself and had begged me to leave my abuser, which I did.
Anyway, me and this guy ended up being in a relationship for four and a half years.
Within the first year, unfortunately I noticed a drastic change in him! There was a lot of triangulation going on with a girl I (much later) found out he cheated on me with for a few months! I’d be here forever going into detail, but there was triangulation, cheating, gaslighting and manipulating me.
Over the next four and a half years, he’d emotionally and mentally abuse me in very similar ways; gaslighting, manipulating, brainwashing, false promises and lies, right back to love-bombing me again… he would tell his family and friends that I was “controlling” him, or “being clingy” etc, when I really really wasn’t! They of course, all believed him, because he was “just such a nice guy”, and could do no wrong in their eyes. Something which I also used to think.
He promised me engagement, marriage, living together…none of which happened, of course! He often put me down, used to withhold affection and attention from me as a “punishment” if I even dared to question him or was close to finding out the truth. He’d yell at me, defend other women that I knew something was going on with, he’d quite often put me in embarrassing or humiliating situations, make me feel worthless, stupid, unloved… He cheated, he lied, and yet I was always ALWAYS painted as the one to blame. Not a single person believed me. They all believed him because he was very very good at being charming.
Eventually he discarded me - at a VERY dark time in my life (I was trapped living with my parents who were also abusive, which he knew about. He just didn’t care.), and although I had loved him very much and was absolutely heartbroken, I was also relieved. I made no effort to get back together. He was the one who claimed he wanted to stay friends, yet made no effort. I didn’t either, and frankly didn’t want to. I hit rock bottom, as he turned everyone against me, with false claims about me being “controlling” and whatnot all over again.
I didn’t even try to contact him.
But I was already damaged from it, and I am not proud of it, but I ended up connecting with my now-husband about 6 days after my break up. We talked for a long time, and one thing led to another…(don’t worry he didn’t take advantage of me. I made it clear it was what I wanted at the time.)
Our protection failed and I fell pregnant, and was absolutely terrified. It took me a very long time to even tell my current partner because I was so scared, and I had to escape my abusive household first, with some help from an organisation that I finally reached out to. I ended up being placed in this horrible bedsit thing temporarily, and I still had not told anyone besides my best friend and one other close friend (or so I thought!) about my pregnancy. I didn’t want word getting back to my dad. I was scared of what he would do to me if he knew. I had to escape first. Thank god I did!
Anyway, this “close friend” whom I had sworn to secrecy - and who also knew the baby was my now-husband’s! - told my ex, and he went CRAZY. He told everyone that I had made up some elaborate lie about being pregnant, to “get him back!”!?!? And got his older sister to question and quiz me over the phone about my pregnancy, which I actually denied to her. I didn’t want any of them - especially him! - finding out about my pregnancy for obvious reasons, which were then proven there and then! They spread this awful rumour about me “lying about being pregnant to get him back” which just wasn’t true!!! Again, everyone believed it.
For years since, I have been on the receiving end of abuse both online, over the phone, in person, across the street, and indirectly through others!
It’s now been 8 years, and obviously I am now married to my baby’s father and we have her and more children together. (The baby was a girl, she’s turning 8 next month so obviously not a “fake pregnancy!!”)
But still, the abuse has continued.
I actually changed my name a few years ago by deed poll, and a year after that, husband and I emigrated. I just didn’t want to live in England anymore. So much had happened there, and I wanted to start over. So we did. Best decision we ever made!
Sadly, that has not stopped my ex from harassing me. Of course - in true “him” form! - he is getting other people to do his bidding! He hasn’t got the balls to actually speak to me himself, he never did! He always got either his sister or someone else to do it.
I am aware of a whole host of disgusting lies he’s told about me, and I’ve had to find out from complete strangers, or former friends, or mutual friends that I ended up having to cut off for my own peace!.
He’s married one of the women he cheated on me with (go figure! Of course it was one of the ones he always claimed I was “paranoid” about and “was just a friend”. 🙄), but now even her mother - so his MIL! - is trying to add me on my social media and message me crap!? I’ve never even met or spoken to this woman!
I also had an incident some years ago with his SISTER’S mother in law making accusations and snarky comments!?! I have no idea who she is either! But they all claim to “know” me!
I kept my social media purely for my family and friends. It’s private otherwise. But it’s so I can keep in contact with people back in the UK, and my friends who moved elsewhere or who I have met around here. Simply put, I am behaving perfectly acceptably on social media. Am minding my own business so I don’t see why I should be the one to delete it!!
I’ve obviously changed my name as it is, and am private! So god knows how they’re finding me!!?? But they’re obviously going above and beyond to find me, purely to be vicious and vile on his behalf! It’s absolute insanity!
It’s all well and good telling me to “just ignore it” but I quite literally cannot. It’s gone way too far. I mean EIGHT YEARS!?
The police back in the UK were absolutely useless dealing with the harassment, and police in my country obviously can’t really do anything since they’re in another country!
My eight year old daughter has been repeatedly dragged into things (no she obviously doesn’t have social media), but it’s the fact that they are targeting her that just makes me sick!
They’ve gone through other people to demand DNA proof from me, to demand photos, her birth certificate, proof of her existence because apparently me having photos of me with my husband and kids in my social media profile and cover photos “isn’t proof”! But whenever I say that I don’t owe them anything anyway, they use that as their “evidence” against me that I “lied” about my own child!?
You honestly couldn’t make this up. It’s absolutely insane. They’ve also made malicious calls to Social Services against me in the past when I lived in England, and even tried to contact my family and friends HERE to “warn them off me” and make claims against me and my child. They’ve harassed my husband and his family, made the same claims to them and even begged them to not “allow him” to go ahead with our wedding before we got married!!!! They’ve called my daughter “ugly” and claimed she will end up “messed up just like her mother”. I honestly can’t take any more. I know he’s pulling their strings. These people don’t even know me! I’ve never heard of half of them, and nobody will do anything. My husband is very supportive and understanding. Obviously he knows the truth, and he knows our daughter is his! We did pay for a DNA test after she was born, but more for OUR own peace of mind than anyone else’s.
It’s been eight years and I can’t take any more of the lies, the harassment and alienation. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this, but my child even less so!? We haven’t told her, but she is somehow aware that grown ups are being nasty to her! It breaks my heart because she really doesn’t deserve this.
Sorry this was so long and probably didn’t make much sense. I just had to get it out there and my brain is feeling so scrambled. What more can I do? I’ve already escaped! I don’t bother contacting him or anyone to do with him! I don’t want to! I really don’t understand why I’m the villain of the story when he’s the one who was abusive, cheated and lied, and has now orchestrated this massive smear campaign against me.
I just don’t understand. Why? What did I do? What can my daughter possibly have done!? She doesn’t know these people! I never let her know them!
I was 16 when we got together (Jan 2009) and just turned 21 when we split (Jun 2013), if that helps at all?