Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How much time should adult children spend with their parents?

15 replies

MorrisZapp · 22/02/2022 17:34

My mum is in her 70s. Fit and healthy but she lives alone following divorce. In lockdown her world shrank inwards and now she doesn't really see any of her friends any more.

She's very lonely but I don't have time to go over much, also there's a huge backstory about her being difficult over the years.

I love my mum and I dearly want her to be happy, but it isn't in my gift, is it?

Ultimately, can and should adult offspring of healthy retirees take responsibility for their parents emotional well being?

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 22/02/2022 17:47

No, of course not. I have adult children who have flown the nest. It's nice to see them, but they have their own lives. I do not expect my children to be responsible for my emotional well being. I don't expect my DH or anyone else to be responsible for making me 'happy'. You have to live your own life and plan activities you enjoy - not sit at home moping and expecting other people to entertain you.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 22/02/2022 17:49

As much as they are able to and want to

Mxflamingnoravera · 22/02/2022 17:50

I'm in my 60s and live alone after divorce, my social life has dwindled to almost nothing and I get lonely. I love seeing my 28 year old son, he comes home probably four times a year for a few days- he lives in London, I live in the South West.

No way would I expect my son to fill that loneliness gap, his life is his to live and the last thing I would want is for him to worry about me or my life. He owes me nothing, I chose to bring him into this world.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hadalifeonce · 22/02/2022 17:52

I would hate to think my adult children felt they should be responsible for my emotional well being.

Mrsjayy · 22/02/2022 17:55

I live near my mum I see her once a week my sister has a closer relationship with her and sees her more I think it depends how much you want to give your mum. I see my eldest who once or maybe twice a month.

HelloKeith · 22/02/2022 18:03

I'm just under an hour away and it's probably every 6 weeks on average. After my mother died it went to every day to every other then twice a week but dad got back on his own feet and joined loads of stuff and said yes to every invite. Now he's got a better social life than me!

Thighdentitycrisis · 22/02/2022 18:12

My adult DS and I see each other every 2-3, weeks, in same city, both work full time

He complained to me recently how frequently his girlfriend sees her family! Like 2-3 times a week. And he is being pushed by her to arrange meets with the two of them and me for lunch

I thought we were doing ok 😀.

When I left home I probably saw my DF every couple of months when I wanted to. No pressure

Lightning020 · 22/02/2022 18:14

It is strange how people can vary so much. Some sort widowhood out and mix whereas others become a hermit.

We are all responsible for our own happiness once we reach adulthood.

Not everybody is compatible with their relatives and sometimes things will never change or improve.

I certainly wouldnt be made to feel guilty or responsible for your mother's happiness op. Every family is unique.

waltzingparrot · 22/02/2022 18:16

Anything you could do to facilitate her getting back out with her friends? Then you know she won't be as lonely and it will lessen the guilt.

Norgie · 22/02/2022 18:44

I wouldn't want mine to pay me a ' duty visit ' I'd much rather they visit because they want to.

shinynewapple22 · 22/02/2022 18:45

Difficult one, if your mum is by herself .

When my parents were in good health I would see them approximately weekly (they lived about 15 mins drive away). But they had each other and plenty of activities. I also see my adult son about once a week.

If your mum lives further away, or you work full time it is probably difficult to see her more frequently without putting a lot of stress on yourself . I think key when you do see her or speak with her is to encourage her to get out and about and join in with things . I think lockdown has made a lot of older people's worlds smaller .

Bells3032 · 22/02/2022 18:48

It really depends on your relationship. My dad used to see his parents every day as he'd pop in on his way back from work. I am close to both my dad (widowed) and my in laws and generally see them both at least once a week although now I am on mat leave usually a bit more 2-3 times a week as they pop in and look after baby so I can get on with things

NAME3CHANGE · 22/02/2022 18:56

Personally, i would find a local group to my mum
Ie , craft club , WI , bingo , walking group ect.

Then ask her to go with YOU a few times.

After you have been 4 or 5 times , it will be a routine for your mum, and you can be busy the odd week , give her chance to make a few friends and see how it goes.

Wallabyone · 22/02/2022 18:59

I see my parents twice a week. We live near each other, they're great and we all enjoy seeing them. My mum loves seeing us and it makes her happy, win win. If your relationship with parents is difficult for whatever reason, I would expect you to not see them quite as often-it's understandable. It always surprises me how much parents who were pretty poor at parenting, expect from their adult children in return.

Original poster
MorrisZapp · 22/02/2022 19:06

Thanks everyone, interesting responses. Lots to think about.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page