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Should I/how much should I message my friend in this difficult situation?

12 replies

StrawberryPi · 22/02/2022 12:59

I have a newish friend, we are pretty close now (generally message multiple times a day) but have only become so in the last year really, so this is the first major life event for either of us since we have known each other.

A close member of my their family is currently in hospital and is likely to die in the next day or two, having been ill for some time. My friend has gone back to their home town in order to most of their time at the hospital. We have talked about the situation a bit in the past but never in great depth. I want to be there to support them, and I want to know that, but obviously I don't want to burden them with feeling like they have to respond to me.

Last night, their partner said they might appreciate a message, so I sent a short message saying I was thinking of them and their family, no pressure to reply but that I was there for silly or serious chats if they would like that. They sent a brief but appreciative reply and we've had no contact since (although I can see they have been online).

I'm not not sure what to do in terms of contacting them again. I don't want them to feel bombarded, or like they are under onus to respond, but I also don't want them to feel abandoned as we normally message so regularly. I have never had such a close loss, so I am struggling slightly to know what is best. Any insight or advice as to how your friends can/did support you in the sort of situation would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 22/02/2022 13:03

In a similar situation with a close friend I just messaged every couple of days to let her know she was on my mind, sometimes she replied and we chatted for a while, sometimes she didn’t, and that was fine. I offered practical help (doing an online shop, taking her dog for a couple of days), things I knew she was finding tricky but otherwise I gave her space.

Rosebuud · 22/02/2022 13:09

Just send a thinking of you , I hope you’re bearing up, message.

Parpophone · 22/02/2022 13:27

I don't want them to feel bombarded, or like they are under onus to respond,

They have responded.

Your message was kind and they know that you are there if they need you. You need to leave the ball in their court now. They have a lot to deal with.

Knittedfairies · 22/02/2022 13:48

I think a short 'I'm thinking of you' message every day or two, without expectation of reply, would be a thoughtful thing to do.

Chocomelon · 22/02/2022 13:50

I agree with the thinking of you / here if you need anything type message after a couple of days

Hiddenvoice · 22/02/2022 13:50

I agree with pp- I’d send a little message every couple of days to check in

JoyOrbison · 22/02/2022 13:53

What about a messge with a practical offer of help in a day or two?

Often when peopme say 'Let me know if we can help' tje recipient often has enough on and doesnt wsnt yo give whst ferls like instructions, eg 'Could you pick up dc on x night and feed tjem?' however, of you exrend an offer of practical help, eg 'Do you wsnt me to pick dc up after schiol any nifht /0Do you want me to leave you a meal dropped off so you dont need to cooj, is any day better?' etc makes it easier for someone to accept an offer of help and yheu can see you will ve willing yo help as you' ve made the gesture.

Hope your friend is ok

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 22/02/2022 13:55

@Parpophone

I don't want them to feel bombarded, or like they are under onus to respond,

They have responded.

Your message was kind and they know that you are there if they need you. You need to leave the ball in their court now. They have a lot to deal with.

This
gingerhills · 22/02/2022 14:02

I agree with PPs. Every couple of days send 'You're in my thoughts. No need to reply. xxx'

Your initial message sounds lovely btw.

DowntonCrabby · 22/02/2022 14:05

A “thinking of you, always here if you need me” message every couple of days would be ideal I think, as PP’s have suggested.

Figgygal · 22/02/2022 14:11

Id leave it now
You messaged, theyve replied theyre dealing with alot and dont need you repeating yourself every 48 hours. Id stop replying to you tbh if you kept that up and maybe think you were inserting yourself into my grief
Sorry but itd annoy me

StrawberryPi · 22/02/2022 17:07

Hmm.. I think this mix of answers confirm that there's no right option! I think I'll probably leave it another day or two and then message the partner again to see how things are. Thanks for your mix of perspectives.

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