Sharp-elbowed vs doing your best

[cafedesreves]

I often read about middle class parents being sharp elbowed. Often accompanied by a sarcastic description of MC kids as "little darlings" or similar.
But when does doing your absolute best for your kids turn into something that is unreasonable? Obviously not including breaking the law, fraud etc.

So I would say that sharp elbowed refers to trying to push others out of the way in favour of your own child.
I might send my child to piano lessons and encourage them to try out for a part in an orchestra - someone sharp elbowed might get in touch with the orchestra, requesting a position or suggesting another child is unreliable for example.

Interesting, thanks!
I completely agree that doing down another child would be terrible.
How about using tutors etc? Helping your child get a place at grammar school? There seems so much animosity towards that but I would really like that for DS if we can manage it.

No, just do what you can for your own child but leave other children to do their best too.

Sharp elbowed is literally about pushing other people out of the way.

Doing your best is helping your child succeed themselves, so if getting them tutors teaches them more, getting them into grammar school provides them the education they work best with etc then that's good parenting.

Sharp elbowed is forcing another child out of the way to get an opportunity that may not even work for your child, it's being selfish and greedy and not teaching your child to succeed but pushing them upwards without caring who's in the way or whether it's right for your child.

Great points. How many parents actually push others out the way, though? Unless you counted using a tutor etc do another child didn't get in. I feel like there is a much criticism of MC parents!

*so much. Can't type this morning!

Hang on, tutoring for 11+ does push other children out of the way of your child, the children with as much potential whose parents don't have the private resources you do.

No judgement. My own child is tutored, not for 11+ but to provide the support he needs for his SpLD but his state school can't give him due to resource constraints. So I do it. But I'm under no illusion that it is for the children whose parents can't fill in the gaps in school SEN support, to help them reach their potential.

it is &%@

Oh for goodness sake. Meant to say, "...am under no illusion it is s*&! for the children whose parents can't fill in the gaps in school SEN support..."

@Ceara that's sort of what I'm getting at.
Of course it's utterly rubbish for others. But is it actually the fault of those trying to make the best of the system? Why are we vilified so much?

It’s also actively knocking other children down- ‘oh well done little Timmy, you are so much more clever than Daniel’ all said in earshot of other child, a great way to knock another kid’s confidence down. And pushing constantly for special treatment- I run a dance school and the number of parents we have that ask me to move group classes to fit around their child’s other activities without consideration for anyone else in the class is unreal- it’s something that happens at least once every half term. New customer enquiry- what time is your class for 5 year olds, give class time- customer replies that they have swimming / rainbows/horse riding at that time- can I move the class later? Or can their child join in with the later 8-10 year olds class, as they are very advanced for five and can copy all the dance moves they see on YouTube already. They don’t seem to grasp that if our class times aren’t convenient we might just not be the right class for them- they seem to think that we should be so grateful to have their child that we will inconvenience all of our other customers to accommodate them.

@dancinfeet that's interesting. Do people really say that about other children? That's awful if a

If so!!

You're "sharp elbowed" when your actions are unfair towards the other children doing the best for your child shouldn't mean hurting others' good and fair efforts

It can be a fine line. But kids need to learn independence - by a certain age they should be able to negotiate public transport, go to the barbers, do their own laundry etc. They should also be able to get a part in the play, job, join a team etc, on their own merits and off their own bat, without mum or dad ringing up and getting it for them. Yes you help them with their CV or drive them to the playing field etc, but you don't 'snow plow' or as you say 'sharp elbow' obstacles aside.
Tutoring is fine - exams are marked to a formula and as long as you are not trying to get your child in a school or grades beyond their abilities then it's not a bad idea. It's parents who insist their child must be in the top set or X school to the detriment of that child's well being that I find crossing the line.

The first time I remember hearing the phrase was from David Cameron. I believe he was excusing closing down Sure Start centres because "the sharp elbowed middle classes" end up using it instead of the people who need it more.

Therefore, I see it as a fig-leaf excuse to remove provision altogether. Instead of letting everyone enjoy something together, sharp-elbowed Sam Cams or otherwise.

Don't beat yourself up about whether you're "sharp-elbowed".

That said, one thing I really can't stand is parents who won't let their child fail honestly on their own merits at anything. The kind of parents who post here sometimes asking whether it's ok to help their child cheat, or pile pressure on the school to let little Johnny have one more mark so he can have the grade he "deserves". This is a disastrous lesson to the child and serves them very ill. I know a mother who was disappointed her less sporty second child didn't get into the team like their elder sibling, despite her having lavished time and money supporting the sports club in various ways. She genuinely felt it was unfair, obviously not thinking of the child who would have been pushed out if her less-able child had been given an undeserved place.

So, don't worry about being sharp-elbowed, but also don't be an entitled cheat.

@stormstormgoaway ah hadn't realised he was the author of it. Makes sense.