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Original poster

What do you do when sadness overwhelmes you?

24 replies

Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 16:02

I mean, that sadness that sits there in the pit of your stomach and it's so dark it feels hard to breathe?

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/02/2022 17:19

What's wrong Nidan?

Can you distract yourself with a nice cupper and something gentle on TV?

SisterAgatha · 20/02/2022 17:23

I cry in the bath so I feel like I become part of the water.
I run along the river near my house so the wind burns my face and I feel like I’m a leaf being blown around.

I try to get out of my body if you see what I mean. Hope you’re ok x

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 17:49

@Laiste

What's wrong Nidan?

Can you distract yourself with a nice cupper and something gentle on TV?

Recent, very close (very) family bereavement.

I just get this feeling when it hits me that I'll never see them again. I cant shake it, but cant keep bursting into tears. Feels like fighting a losing battle though today.

OP posts:

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General health
Imdonna · 20/02/2022 17:58

I am so sorry for your loss.

My mum died 12 weeks ago. Today I took to my bed and cried for 1.5 hours. I felt over whelmed by the enormity of it.

Its likes a sliding scale. Sometimes it doesn't hit me as hard and I can distract myself with a dog walk, might do my make up, read, do su doku, even played fortnite with ds. Sometimes I can force it out of my brain and pretend it didn't happenm

Someday I just can't and am paralysed by the grief. I am just going with it. Doing what I need to do to get through each day.

I am sorry I have no real words of wisdom. I can only share how I am surviving, i jnow its not much help. I will be thinking of youFlowers

dazzlingdeborahrose · 20/02/2022 18:25

My mum died 18 years ago and I still get times where I am
Just overwhelmed with grief. I've curled up and sobbed until I feel hollow. I wish I could tell you that you get over it. It does get easier and those bouts of sadness and grief do get further apart.
I am sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and allow yourself your grief and sadness.

Laiste · 20/02/2022 18:26

Flowers im so sorry.

You're in the thick of it right now and you must be kind to yourself and take things very slowly.

One day, one hour, one minute at a time x

Have you friends/family to support you?

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 18:42

Have you friends/family to support you?

Yes, I do, I'm very lucky to have amazing friends. But I worry about becoming a kill joy or a burden.

DH keeps asking me if I'm okay, says I have been quiet. I say I'm fine, he obviously understands I'm sad. But I also dont want to bring him in to my wallowing. I can't explain it, but it's like, I dont want him there making all the appropriate noises and saying the "right" words. I want to scream, and shout, and cry and punch something really hard but I also dont want to breach the wall I've put up.

That probably makes no sense.

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/02/2022 18:48

No it does make sense.

Sometimes you need to wallow. You have to go right down to come back up.

Sometimes people's words really help. Sometimes they just make you angry.

I'm sure your DH will know to give you time. I know what you mean about not wanting to bring everyone down. But you need to talk.

Real friends will let you be who you need to be right now.

(sometimes you find out who your real friends are at a time like this!)

Imdonna · 20/02/2022 19:03

@Nidan2Sandan

Have you friends/family to support you?

Yes, I do, I'm very lucky to have amazing friends. But I worry about becoming a kill joy or a burden.

DH keeps asking me if I'm okay, says I have been quiet. I say I'm fine, he obviously understands I'm sad. But I also dont want to bring him in to my wallowing. I can't explain it, but it's like, I dont want him there making all the appropriate noises and saying the "right" words. I want to scream, and shout, and cry and punch something really hard but I also dont want to breach the wall I've put up.

That probably makes no sense.

It makes perfect sense. I remember going to bed and I cried so much I almost screamed. Like a guttural howl. I have never done that before.

People saying the 'right' thing just infuriated me. I didn't care that she went quick and wasn't in pain. I didn't care that she believed she would be now looking down on me and would never 'really leave'. I didn't care that she was now with her own mum. I didn't want it to hear it will be alright and I will get through it.

It makes perfect sense.

southernbelles · 20/02/2022 19:26

For me I find fighting extreme emotions makes it worse because I can't fight it, & it therefore feels more overwhelming because I can't fight it, if you see what I mean.

My most effective go to is to turn to people, I'm terrible alone when I'm sad. If I am alone, then it's distraction all the way, & riding the waves of sadness when they approach.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 19:28

I dont want to be treated like glass, but also continuing with my day to day life feels wrong.

Now the funeral is done (and we did it super fast due to various circumstances) it feels like life is supposed to get back to its normality. But it doesnt feel normal......she isnt here.

I am back at work tomorrow, it feels wrong.

OP posts:
Invasionofthegutsnatchers · 20/02/2022 19:29

I have a bath. I was a fish in a previous life, love being in water. If I can cope with tge changing etc I go for a swim.

Can you tell us more OP?

GreekGod · 20/02/2022 19:35

I am so sorry for your loss.

If it feels wrong going back to work OP, then you're not ready to go back. Is it possible to take some more time off ? It's too soon for life to feel normal especially if the funeral was done very quickly. Again, i am so sorry that you feeling that way now.

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 19:48

@Invasionofthegutsnatchers

I have a bath. I was a fish in a previous life, love being in water. If I can cope with tge changing etc I go for a swim.

Can you tell us more OP?

I dont want to be too outing, basics are family member went to A&E with something really benign....think broken rib level benign, then died in hospital a few days later from a previously unknown illness. 2 days before we had been sharing jokey texts, then she was gone. We didnt know she had this illness, neither did she. (Not covid btw).

I never got to see her alive as hospital wouldnt allow visits.

OP posts:
Notanotherwindow · 20/02/2022 19:53

Can I ask, is it a woman or did you change detail for privacy?

I only ask because someone I know has just passed on exactly the same circumstances from the same thing. Wondering if we know the same person but my friend was a man.

Laiste · 20/02/2022 19:54

Oh it's a big big shock then OP :(
You didn't have time to prepare.

My dad passed away very suddenly and without warning and everyone said it was better than him wasting away ect. and they're right, but my goodness the shock (separate from grief) came back to bite me after the funeral. It made me quite ill. And yes, work was pestering me when was i coming back. As if everything was done and dusted :(

ritalinda · 20/02/2022 19:57

I think you can just cry. It's ok. There's nothing wrong with that. Just allow yourself to feel the sadness, make space for it ❤️

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 19:58

@Notanotherwindow

Can I ask, is it a woman or did you change detail for privacy?

I only ask because someone I know has just passed on exactly the same circumstances from the same thing. Wondering if we know the same person but my friend was a man.

It's a woman xx.
OP posts:
Orangade · 20/02/2022 19:59

I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers How sudden it was, no wonder you have been left reeling.

When I’m grief stricken and feel I can’t carry on, I take a day or two off work. I cry, sometimes all night, I just let it all out and really feel the pain and sadness. I look like hell with puffy red eyes and usually feel pretty ill too. Then I take a day to recover, and treat myself very gently as though I’m recovering from an illness. Once I’ve done this and acknowledged the painful emotions and pure shittiness of what has happened, I find can re-focus my thoughts and think “okay, what do I need to do now” and move forward and reconnect with life again in a productive way.
In a few months the grief might sweep over me again and I might have to repeat the process, but little by little it helps to acknowledge and process and slowly heal.

Original poster
Nidan2Sandan · 20/02/2022 20:00

My work have been super supportive, and I know if I wanted to stay off they would 100% back me. But I also know they're short staffed and I have a court case in early March that I have to attend so need time to catch up and prep for that. The case cant go ahead without me.

OP posts:
Mother87 · 20/02/2022 20:01

I go with it... I cry, I sniff my dad's coats & cardigans... I light incense for him (Taoist/he passed away two years ago)... I realised that although grief/sadness/loss can affect people very very differently - it's NORMAL to feel exactly that "bereft"... and there IS no timescale - there ARE no rules... Some of the things people say... and the way society seems to expect a 'quick recovery'... the longer they've been gone, it can feel 'worse' because rather than getting used to it, it just means we've had longer without them... which is SAD

Sending a hug xx

Notanotherwindow · 20/02/2022 20:09

Just an awful coincidence then. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Joystir59 · 20/02/2022 20:10

Cry. Go sea swimming.

blanketyblanked · 20/02/2022 20:29

Time. Ask whoever lives with you to spend the night away. Spend that night making whatever noises and doing whatever crying, screaming, sobbing, punching a pillow you feel you need to do. It's a fucking bleak place to be, but it's a process you may need you feel to to through so you can express it all, like an animal, in a purging sort of way.

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