Put your seatbelt on guys, this is going to be a bit of a read....
So, I met a guy, who appeared on the surface to be 'perfect'. Laugh, yes, he had his flaws, BUT we fell in love and we were quickly planning a future. I was 47, and he was 52. He was living in rented accommodation following his divorce. It was clear to see his fall from grace when I look back now... He had his 18 year old son. He was working, drove a high end luxury company car and appeared on the face of it to be stable.
Now for me... I was living in my own home (mortgaged), having gone through a very amicable divorce, paid my ex husband 'off'. Living with my children , my cat and my own car (bought and paid for), I had a small loan of £2,000. My life was ok. I was not wealthy, but had a great job, was making ends meet, and enjoying weekends away with my children.
Rewind one year, I had my a big surgery, and was being extremely careful about what I ate and drank. Dairy and high fat proved challenging often causing me to feel so poorly I could be sick.
Two month after meeting this man, we are on holiday (one booked by him and his ex gf), he didn't want to lose the holiday and asked me to go instead. We argued... he was particular about how a woman should look and dress. High heels, make-up, stockings / hold ups... you get the picture. This was ALL the time. One evening during this holiday we overslept in the afternoon and rushed to get ready. I didn't have time to 'dress' so wore comfortable clothes for the heat etc. This was one of the first flags. He all but refused to talk to me, and the atmosphere he created was beyond awful. He ate his food at pace, expecting me to do the same. I knew I was going to be unwell, I could feel it coming on. We left the restaurant and he then berated me like nothing I have ever known. Telling me that women had been dressing up for him for years and I was basically scum and incapable. I could barely focus as I felt so unwell. The crowds of the busy street we became separated. I had no idea where I was, and knew that I would faint. 30 mins later I am sitting on a wall away from crowds, stomach in knots and sweat pouring from me, I was riled in agony. The next thing he found me sitting and demanded I walk with him. I walked ahead of him a little, disorientated, and I walked towards the edge of a sleep cliff, he grabbed me because he could see I has no awareness of my surroundings. He walked me back to the hotel, after which I needed some quiet space to take some medication and just try to get myself together. I sat on the balcony of this hotel restaurant (which was closed) but one of the waitresses saw I was unwell and wanted to call me a Dr. I said no, I just needed some water. I managed to find a flight to go home, and my son booked it for me. I was really nervous about going back to the room, but I needed my passport and my things so I did. On my arrival back t the room he told me that HE could get a flight home in the morning and leave me to enjoy the rest of the holiday. I told him I already had a flight booked and was only there to collect my things. I think he was shocked at that, you see, women don't leave him, they don't dare.... HE is the one who was ALWAYS IN CONTROL. Still feeling unwell I stumbled, and then promptly passed out. Some minutes later I came around to him looking somewhat distressed, I presume he had seen the results of his poor behaviour, and had perhaps started to panic a little. I lay down on the bed and woke up several hours later. Feeling completely dreadful. And also having missed my flight home. What followed was him being nice to me, telling me he loved me and wanted to live together etc. (this was within 2 months of meeting him).
Roll on two more months, and he is planning on moving into my house (complete with his son), and my daughters can see through him, if only I'd have listened. He went through my credit file with a fine tooth comb. Getting me to explain everything. It was horrible. Wanting to know my income to the penny... He was giving up his rental property and wanted security that if he did that and we lived together that I wouldn't just throw him out... I dont know how, but we found ourselves talking about him being added to my mortgage. To me that was normal. You live with your partner, build a home with them etc. What I didnt know was that things at work for him were not going well, he was barely turning up and he just wasn't doing his job. He would stay at my house and stay in bed long after I had gone to work and my daughters to school. There was a decent amount of equity in my house, and he suggested taking money from the house for an extension. It seemed a good idea. So I agreed. BUT he brought no money to the table, he didnt purchase any equity, just old me he would 'sort it' and not to worry. 'Double our income, half our costs', that was his saying... three months later we are tenants in common and he now owns 50% of my house that i had lived in and paid the mortgage on for 20 years. there is also 50k in the bank. mortgage payments increased from 400 to 1200 a month. he then announces he is resigning from his job before they sack him.
MY WALLS ON MY WORLD HAVE JUST COME DOWN
The above was just the start of my troubles. I now have 5 people to feed and pay for, and no increased income at all. He tell me that he has a blood condition, and needs to rest. He stays in bed all the time, he becomes verbally abusive, telling me that if I dont do x or y that he is leaving me. He gets drunk and violent. He had to hand back his company vehicle, and demands money from the equity draw down to put a deposit on a car. I knew it was wrong, he felt so entitled to that money. So i transferred him what he needed. He turns up with another luxury vehicle that he signed an agreement on, that he cannot afford to pay as he is not working, but he told the finance company that he was, producing his last three months pay slips. CLEVER!
The equity drawdown money is fast running out, and when he discovers after 6 months how much is left he told me to send him the balance or he was going to the Police, he said that i owed him that money that was spent and that i should speak to my family to get the funds to pay him back. He told me to send him the money that was left in the account for safekeeping. So i transferred it. The bank called me to check it was a valid transfer due to the value and the money vanished from my account just like that. Now I have no way of paying a massive mortgage and looking after my children and his and him. 12 months on, and he is still not working, my credit cards are maxed out, i am in serious debt, taking loans, increasing my overdrafts and then he demands that I sell the house or he is leaving me. This man is entitled to 50% of the remaining equity. My 50% will cover my debt. Thats it. He walks away with thousands and I am left with nothing.
The house is sold, and he actually does the right thing and informs the solicitor to return to the equity to me. He had been to see his family, and they all told him, he wasnt morally entitled to anything from my house. He wanted money from them too. He had maxed out his own credit cards, and now struggled to pay for his car... guess who he tell to pay it... me
I bought a house and he continued to live with me. By this time his son had moved out (i discovered that my partner had withdrawn funds from bank accounts belonging to his children that had been left as inheritance from one of their grandparents).
All this took place in two years. the violence was ugly, but I stayed, hoped he'd change.
He had no legal right to the second house, nothing in his name, he had no legal responsibility at all. But he still wasnt working, and i was still bankrolling him.
I had become emotionally unstable, living on my nerves. He had chosen a house 100 miles away from my job and friends and family, and the school that my children went to. I lost all ability to hold down a job. I was a complete wreck. but he still expected me to perform.
In the end it became so bad I just couldn't do it anymore, I would cut my wrists in from of him, he would say he has seen it before, both of his ex-wives had done the same thing. I took an overdose, I just wanted to end it all. I just couldnt cope. and he didnt care. he wanted food, sex, alcohol, clothes, and to be treated like a prince. To the outside world he had an image to uphold.
I lost job after job after job. The last job I got I vowed I would not let him bring me down, this was the last chance at a career. Then lockdown hit. I knew I was in trouble. He tells me that he cannot afford to live in this house with me and how was i managing my debt? I told him I am not selling the house to pay off his debt. He was then left with no option but to go to work, so he got a manual job. That hurt his pride a little, until he started to become worshipped by the people he worked with.... he was very charming you see.
But he sill never paid his way. I am still paying for everything. I cant do it.
That was probably the most difficult year, as it was the year that the violence, sexual abuse and financial abuse was the worst. He was arrested that year for assault. but like many DV victims I didnt make a statement. and months later he attacked me to the point that i needed surgery.
I kicked him out. I was devastated. I loved this person with all my heart. But I knew he had the ability to kill me.
He blocked all avenues of contact . I had no idea where he was. NONE. His family closed ranks, despite supporting me during the relationship. I begged him to come home, and we could try to sort it out, but he needed treatment, that it couldnt carry on. but he blamed me. told me i was violent and abusing him.
I told him to come ad collect his belongings, and that if he didnt in a certain timeframe that i would assume he didnt want them and i woiuld dispose of them accordingly. he called me to say yes he wanted his stuff but wouldnt collect it. so i had a meltdown one day and got rid of a load of stuff. this man has left me in £000's of debt, and refuses to acknowledge or offer to pay me back.
Just under a year ago we met and he told me he wanted to start again, that he loved me but that i needed help. that i was violent and he wanted me to get better. that he wanted me to sell the house so that we can move abroad. (another flag) he came to the house and saw that i had gotten on with putting my life back together and was staggered to see that i had disposed of some of his stuff. days later he is telling me that i need to reimburse him £000's for his stuff or he was going to the police as i had refused him to collect his stuff.
i would try to find out where he lived so that i can send him his stuff, but he isnt registered anywhere. His parents refused to have his beloingings said it was nothing to do with them, they had seen it before with him and did not want his stuff or to be involved. his post still comes to my home, alone with CCJ's and debt letters. he hadnt changed his address, and still has post going to his two previous address also. he has made numerous claims from HMRC for tax rebates, all of which are lies as he has just lay in bed for years.
In recent months, I have written to him to collect his belongings. I gave him 14 days to respond to me with a date that was convenient to him. he replied at the 11th hour saying that unless i agreed an inventory he would not collect. the inventory he provided also had monetary values attached. anything that was missing he wants me to pay for.
he also said that he wants access to my house to check what is inside the property. and to do so he wants me to vacate so that there is no trouble.
I told him to advise what date he wants to collect his stuff. it will be available, safely and securely packed and he will not be having access to my home. I told him if he is concerned that there might be trouble that he needs to advise the police who will arrange a date to accompany him, and that is down to him to arrange.
To this date, he still refuses to collect his belongings until I agree this list. He said he would need to know what size vehicle etc. I told him, he knows how much stuff he has, he has moved it from house to house. he is just trying to control me.
i have so much debt that i cannot afford to appoint a lawyer for advice. i do not qualify for legal aid as i earn over the limit. The DA Support that i am getting cannot advise because services are so stretched.
I dont know what to do. i just want o move on with my life. I am in therapy. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety and depression. i cannot socialise anymore and some days question why i am even still alive.
can anyone please offer me any advise..... please
i have nothing left, no more money to offer him.