Guest Etiquette

[GinJeanie]

When staying with someone as a guest for three nights, should you offer to help clear up/wash up at least once? DH thinks no. His family are here and I'd forgotten how much work it is cleaning beforehand, making up beds, cooking etc. Luckily, they're great company otherwise. We've both split the work equally but it's been a bit relentless tbh. After meals, everyone gravitates to the sofa. SIL likes to ask, "shall I help wash up?" or "shall I clear the table?" and DH will pipe up, "no, no... your our guest". She always looks relieved and hurriedly joins the others on the sofas. She also arrived completely empty-handed - not even a bottle of wine (this is a woman in her 40s with a decent job). We've not entertained much in the past couple of years for obvious reasons. Anyone else finding hosting a wee bit full-on?

I’d say to your DH if he refuses help then it’s all his!

I have guests - they wash up, some shove the vaccine round, some pay for dinner out or bring treats - all are perfectly fine.

One who didn’t offer to help wouldn’t be invited again.

We always pitch in in my family. We don't tend to bring gifts, though.

@BluebellsGreenbells - I think you may be right. Fascinated by the vaccine typo 😆

Of course they should. But it's also good manners to not push it if the offer is declined. So the fault here lies mainly with your DH and agree, leave it to him.

some shove the vaccine round

That really is going above and beyond!

House guests are a massive pain in the arse. Great to have their company but bloody hell it's hard work.

Shout "yes please" before your DH opens his mouth next time you get an offer of help. Say "do feel free to join in here" when you're clearing up. Throw a dish towel at the nearest guest and say, "you're it."

And as for turning up with no wine - that's a sackable offense.

I think you’re mixing up guests with family. Guests should bring a gift but wouldn’t be expected to clear up/wash up etc whereas family/close friends wouldn’t be expected to bring a gift but should offer to pitch in with clearing/washing up. Similarly, guests should be offered drinks but family can help themselves.

@AmandaHoldensLips - I'd forgotten I think, it really is hard work. Am so out of practice 😳 After eating, I think I'll start start slinking towards the sofa too and leave DH to sort it.

@Anniissa - interesting about the difference between family and other guests. I think it may be that families are all different too. My family always pitch in by bringing a homemade cake and some booze or something (we get through a lot so it's more of a contribution than a gift). MIL is pretty thoughtful but SIL has always been quite er... frugal. When we stay we tend to take wine etc to cover what we drink as it mounts up (big family both sides!)

some shove the vaccine round

LOL 😂 I’m now picturing Aunt Edna running round the house with a large needle hitching her skirt and jumping out a people!

I’d defiantly head towards the sofa, after all guests can’t entertain themselves - that would be rude!

I like to be offered help, but I don’t want help. Kitchen is too small, and it’s easier to do it myself and not have to answer “where does this go?” a bunch of times.

I think family should bring a bottle of wine and pitch in! So rude to leave everything to you - and mean! It's hard work having guests, they should have helped you.

They should bring stuff with them and help out, particularly because they are family.
It is still going to be work having them but they should be helping to lay tables, clear up, do dishwashers and generally tidy round.

My family do this for me and I do it for them. I would talk to your DH about his attitude. He is making your life much harder.

Yes ask. We all help out when we get together.

I tend to just put my guests to work, with a breezy tone - certainly for family! “DB, could you do the baby’s bath while I put the older two to bed please? DSIL, would you mind unloading the dishwasher while I clear the table?” Etc. No one ever resists, and they all come back (frequently!) so they’re obviously not too offended by it.

OK to manage for one night, but any more than that they all should be offering help. They are family nor your employers. Personally I would over-rule DH when SIL offers, and either ask, or heavily hint to the others, as you obviously would appreciate the help.

I do hope for a little gift as a gesture of goodwill from guests but would not expect them to pitch in with chores.
If I'm visiting my SIL/sister I would not offer to help clear up but, if it were more than two nights, I would either take them out for dinner or, depending on DC circumstances, pay for a takeaway.

They all should be helping out.
And they all should at least bring a gift such as wine etc.
You need to have a word with your DH.