Swedish death cleaning. Starting today.

[Fuuuuuckit]

My mum died recently, and whilst she lived a very modest, simple life, there is So. Much. Stuff.

Cupboards full of paperwork going back decades. Receipts for things long-broken, passed on. Kitchenalia I've not seen used since my childhood. Family heirlooms that sadly mean nothing to me (passed down the generations, now so remote nobody even knows who they originated from). I am now somehow in charge of the family archive - certificates, letters, photos, boxes of family tree papers etc.

One day I'd like to say I'll find time to properly archive the family papers and photos. And of course a whole load of things I'll be keeping as they're so meaningful to me.

But it has really made me think about my own affairs, and leaving things for my NOK to sort through should/when anything happens to me.

So today, I'm making a start on my own stuff. I've just sorted my banking folder. All in separate wallets, in date order, in one file. Next is the bills folder. I know there are bills from providers I've not used for years.

I have a will, I think I need to arrange POA when I'm a bit more present.

Off the top of my head, next is - linen cupboard, bookshelves, dvd and video and Cd collection/hoard

It's going to ba a huge, ongoing job I think. But I'm always up for a good decluter (of my own stuff, it's so hard to even touch the stuff of my mum's)

Anyone fancy joining me?

I’ve already started. After both my parents died it took 5 skips, a large car boot sale, and umpteen donations to friends and family. I can’t do that to my kids 🤣

My mum started doing this decades ago. I thought it was a bit extreme at the time but I totally get it now and have started to gradually get rid of things. I ask myself 'would I take this with me if I moved?'

My ex H's parents hadn't thrown anything out in 50 years. He and his siblings spent weeks going through things - lots of it junk. I'm grateful to
my mum that I won't have to do that

Both DM and MIL died in mid 2020.

I know my DM was a bit of a hoarder, but nothing prepared me for the stuff she had accumulated over the years. DH and I literally spent weeks and weeks and weeks sorting through paperwork, clothes and ornaments. I actually found the experience almost intrusive - going through someone else’s private papers. Sadly, there were hundreds of photos that I had to let go. No names or dates so no way of knowing who they were so I had to harden my heart and bin them. A combination of a deprived childhood and then later, Alzheimer’s, meant DM never refused anything free and squirrelled away absolutely anything she could. We were very fortunate that when we were at the clearing out stage, the charity shops were still open and accepting donations.

When we lost MIL a couple of months later, I’m afraid we took what we thought we wanted and paid a house clearance firm to get rid of the rest. What we didn’t know about, we couldn’t lose sleep over.

It’s certainly made me reevaluate my life and what to hang on to. I’ve always been a bit of a minimalist but having had the experience with our mothers, I’m ruthless now. I would hate my children to have to do the same with our stuff. Anything that I feel might be of ongoing family interest, I tell my DCs about now so when the time comes, they might find the choices easier.

Fuuuuuckit
Oh gosh yes, the horror of choosing a coffin, stationery, cars etc. I've already made a start on my own funeral plans, I can't imagine handing that pain onto my children

That's not hard though is it surely? The funeral directors will guide them on all that stuff. Stationery?? That's bonkers sorry.

Agree with decluttering as much as possible within reason. My house is full of crap and I don't want someone else having to wade through it all. None of it will mean anything to anyone else.

We are in our 60s and moved house a year ago so took the opportunity to do just this. My Mum had regular declutters and even handed her finances over to me when she knew she was dying but even so, there was a lot to sort out. I’ve prepared an envelope with helpful info for my son so he knows what’s what. And I’ve got rid of a very revealing personal diary I kept for a couple of years as I’d hate anyone else to read it.

For the last year I have been digitising decades of family history research which has been sitting in lots of massive files. I'm doing it for the very reasons you have posted. I should be 20 or so from death, but I do think of how my children will cope with all our stuff. Having numerous hobbies means lots for the children to sort out when we've gone. This is my first contribution to easing the load.

That's not hard though is it surely? The funeral directors will guide them on all that stuff. Stationery?? That's bonkers sorry.

Well, that depends, surely? What you or I might see as a sad but manageable task, others might find overwhelming. I don’t see how denigrating others’ choices is at all helpful.

Oh gosh yes, the horror of choosing a coffin, stationery, cars etc. I've already made a start on my own funeral plans, I can't imagine handing that pain onto my children.

I have to admit I don't get this. I think people should leave wishes for their funeral. However picking a coffin is done when meeting with the FD. Its really not a big deal.

We didn't have stationary. We did an order of service. Printed them off at home.

Cars were decided by how many immediate family we had. Dad, me, dbro, sil and how many kids were coming. Not a hard decision really. And these things can changed. They may decide they want one less car or one extra.

My grandad prepaid our funeral director for his. But we still had to tweak a few things as we had extra family members when he died. They will still have to agree a time and date. Makes sure the FD has dome clothes for you etc.

Having an idea of what you want is good. But unless you go for one of those direct cremation, there will be some organising they need to do. And some people find alot of comfort in doing these things.

My parents did us an enormous favour by decluttering over the years. They had a major rationalisation when they moved into a retirement home when they were beginning to get frail - we were given various things at that point (if we wanted them), and dm sorted us out a set of photos each. Not neatly presented but she'd habitually written on them who/what they were over the years, including details of long-deceased relatives.
They each had a POA in place but fortunately it was never needed as they remained capable of dealing with their own affairs which were quite simple - their essential paperwork fitted into a briefcase.

I think all of this can be a big deal actually. I've organised two funerals, where the deceased hadn't really left any indication of their wishes. It just means that you have a lot of decisions to make at a time when you're grieving, and therefore probably not functioning at your best. So, I think anything people can do to make things easier for those left behind is worthwhile.

I have a book which sits on a corner of my desk. My family call it The Death Book. In it are the details of all the things that would otherwise live only in my head- where to find the title deeds of the house, who my life insurance is with and the policy number, the passwords for everything (or where to find the book with the banking passwords in), that sort of thing.
Instructions for my funeral are brief- full Catholic Requiem Mass with all available bells and whistles, but otherwise as cheap and simple as possible.
There are some, um, things in my bottom drawer which I haven't used for a few years. I might clean them out today, so my children won't have the trauma of finding them after my death!
My children all still live at home, so most of the clutter belongs to them. I don't really accumulate "stuff". I grew up in a military family, and never knew when I might have to throw things away because of the next move. I hated it, but it taught me to keep only things which are important to me.

@BreakingUpWithMyPhone

I think all of this can be a big deal actually. I've organised two funerals, where the deceased hadn't really left any indication of their wishes. It just means that you have a lot of decisions to make at a time when you're grieving, and therefore probably not functioning at your best. So, I think anything people can do to make things easier for those left behind is worthwhile.

Absolutely; I had to do this recently when my DH died. Apart from a very perfunctory conversation when he requested a cremation I had no other instruction. I found it very stressful, as well as the aftermath of sorting out his hoard.

loislovesstewie, I'm sorry for your loss.

DH and I have spoken about what we'd like, and we're both on the same page (direct cremation, with some kind of do for family and friends, probably with a celebrant and nice food). We should probably write it down though, and make sure we've decided on as much as we can.

I recently started to sort my paperwork. I've scanned everything into a file online but ive also kept the opening doc for any thing I need in a folder and told NOK where it is. My idea is it's not overwhelming to look through.

I have poly pockets with 1 letter in each, so I have my rent agreement first page with my rent number on, my v5, first page of my car insurance renewal, same with my life and contents insurance just first page with company, start date, and policy number just enough info to pass security. I've put in a sheet of paper with the kids (young) info vaccinations, allergies what illnesses they have had.

They also know this file is on my laptop so any further info they need is available but when my gran died I had to look through loads of paper to find the things I needed and it was awful I don't want my family to have that.

It might be a useful way to go about paperwork for anyone looking to make it easier.

We are in our 60s, and everything I'm order. Funeral plans sorted ( direct cremation for both). We declutter regularly and I imagine will downsize before 70, so even less stuff to deal with

IME each death is different, and the shit hits differently each time. I lost it over a brand of teabags once.

So I can 100% understand worrying about funeral stationery. Especially in the moment, when you’re having to make choices about dozens of things at 100mph.

Decluttering is a great idea.

@BlaBlaFishcakes

I have a book which sits on a corner of my desk. My family call it The Death Book. In it are the details of all the things that would otherwise live only in my head- where to find the title deeds of the house, who my life insurance is with and the policy number, the passwords for everything (or where to find the book with the banking passwords in), that sort of thing. Instructions for my funeral are brief- full Catholic Requiem Mass with all available bells and whistles, but otherwise as cheap and simple as possible. There are some, um, things in my bottom drawer which I haven't used for a few years. I might clean them out today, so my children won't have the trauma of finding them after my death! My children all still live at home, so most of the clutter belongs to them. I don't really accumulate "stuff". I grew up in a military family, and never knew when I might have to throw things away because of the next move. I hated it, but it taught me to keep only things which are important to me.

the deeds to your house might be interesting but unless you are not in the UK or your house has been in the family for several generations, the legal "deeds" now reside online at the Land Registry.

When I look around in my house (especially the loft and the spare room) the sheer enormity of the task fills me with horror.

DMil decluttered a lot of stuff that had become collectors items at the time of her death. There is a will, a DNR and well kept admin.

Apart from that - I am with godmum56.

My DSis died on 5 January after surgery for ovarian cancer. She prepared and sorted her things before hand eg jewellery, and she told her DH of 38 years what to do with her things. Her will was silent in this regard. Unfortunately her DH cannot remember the totality of what she said. He is so upset that he has in some way let her down.. So a plea from me please write down what you want doing with your things, what heirlooms there are and how they were inherited, any interesting family snippets too.

It’s a marvellous idea.
Yes you can get skips, but it’s hard work. If my parents died tomorrow it would involve me hiring in about 10 skips, organising huge charity collections of about 20,000 books, just loads and loads of stuff. I’m overseas.
It’s just something else to take time away from grieving properly.
There’s also so much stuff I wouldn’t be able to sort through what is sentimental or not so those items would be lost.

Well, that depends, surely? What you or I might see as a sad but manageable task, others might find overwhelming. I don’t see how denigrating others’ choices is at all helpful.

I totally get telling your family whether or not you want to be buried or cremated, flying in the woods or by the sea etc but stationary is just - odd. The FD takes over loads of that kind of thing if you want them too anyhow.

What a good idea. I feel desperate that I have not got things ready for when I die.

PIL both left funeral details down to hymn titles.
We have done the same and have started our de-clutter, made a list of serious books we have collected that will go soon.
Cleared house for both sets of parents but I had the most trouble with father's workshop and tools, very upsetting.

Prepare to be ambushed OP.