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Original poster

Accepting we’re done with babies

19 replies

Goosethemoose · 18/02/2022 16:54

I’m sure I’m being dramatic and maybe hormonal. But having recently concluded that another baby would be too much of a stretch financially, I’m finding it really hard to accept and move on.

And yes, many people don’t have as many as they’d like (or any), and we’re fortunate to have our two, and all that standard stuff. I know, and I’m so grateful and I’m definitely being unreasonable…

But it’s not even that I want to be pregnant or have another baby, in itself. I literally feel like there’s a fifth member of our family missing and I might never meet them, due to making the responsible choice. Can anyone empathise? This feeling will pass, won’t it?

OP posts:

kristyltk · 18/02/2022 17:06

Don't have any advice but in the same boat, unsure we can afford any more really but feel like we're not complete either so sending some hugs!

Original poster

Goosethemoose · 18/02/2022 17:33

Thanks… good, in a selfish way, to know I’m not alone! I’m torn between trying to not think about it, or feeling like I should focus on it for a bit, wallow, and then maybe I can forget about it. But what if that just cements my feelings?!

OP posts:

ffscovid · 18/02/2022 19:58

Yes it will pass. I was the same as you, I never felt 'done' after having two (18 months apart). We decided against a third, partly for financial reasons, partly for practical reasons (would need a new car, can't stay in a family room at a hotel as most are max 4 occupants, when kids need 1-2-1 supervision at swimming / theme park rides we wouldn't have enough adults, too much to ask grandparents to look after 3 young children etc.) and partly for environmental reasons.
A third child was always in the back of my mind, especially until my youngest started school. After then, I realised how nice it was to have some time to myself (in the nicest possible way ) and now, my youngest is nearly 10 and there's no way I'd want to have to go through the baby years again (also I'm 40 so feel a bit too old ).

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ParkheadParadise · 18/02/2022 20:02

I knew I was done after Dd1
100% done very happy with my decision.
23 years later I had Dd2 😂😂

RampantIvy · 18/02/2022 20:04

Babies become very expensive teenagers, and even more expensive students.

mamaduckbone · 18/02/2022 22:36

Mine are 16 and 12 and that feeling has never completely gone away, but it's far too late now so I suppose I've just grown to accept it.

AltCarbon · 18/02/2022 22:42

Like the poster above I have 2 17months apart and spent a long time feeling unfinished. My husband was done though and had lots of good reasons for being so. Now my youngest is 5 I’ve accepted this and agree this was the right choice for us. How does your partner feel?

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 18/02/2022 22:48

I very much wanted a third for several years. My DH was against the idea, as the end of both my pregnancies was a bit touch and go (pre-eclampsia both times, DH said watching me survive two near-death experiences was enough). My heart wanted to argue, but my head knew he was right. We have two lovely DC, and we're very lucky, and I'm now completely happy with our decision. The mad craving passes, I promise.

Original poster

Goosethemoose · 19/02/2022 00:03

@ParkheadParadise I’ve seen you on other threads and I’m glad you have your DD2- that’s an impressive gap! Don’t think biology would allow me one that big 😂

DH agrees we need to look as costs, but is broadly of the view that “we’ll see what happens”. Which, clearly, is true in life generally. However I’m a fan of planning and rational thinking, and doing the best for our existing DC. I’m literally craving a tiny baby to hold and a new person to get to know. I hope it passes

OP posts:

AladdinPrincess999 · 19/02/2022 00:22

I feel the same. I have two and feel there is a third missing but I also see two of my friends struggling financially for having a third. No holidays, very limited days out, can't afford an upgrade on their car and one can only afford a 2 bed flat, so is struggling with the tiny space.

I also don't want to tempt fate and think what impact a third child who was born with a disability etc would do to my two existing children.

MrsSantaClausitback · 19/02/2022 02:24

I feel exactly the same. It comes on in waves and is a head v heart decision. I’m so thankful for my 4 snd 2 year old but I’m constantly mourning the passing of time and them growing up. dH is ‘done’ but I really do feel that we have another little person that we haven’t yet met. Sadly, I know we never will though…

avamiah · 19/02/2022 02:46

I’m 49 and my only child is 12 and now that she is older I really regret not having another child.
I had a horrendous experience giving birth as I had a half wit trainee midwife and I suffered a 3rd degree tear but was lucky as I always remember being told this on my way to be stitched up that the “top surgeon” had just started his shift and would be repairing my bits.
God only knows what would of happened if he pulled a sickie.

MalFunkshun · 19/02/2022 03:21

DH wanted 2, but was persuadable, and I always wanted 3. We knew that we could manage financially as there was a bigger gap between DC1 and 2, so would ‘only’ have to manage two lots of crippling childcare at the same time for about 2 years.

We had DC3 and they absolutely did and do complete our family. I really savoured all the newborn days, knowing it was the last, felt really emotionally accepting that they were our last.l child.

A year later, I have massive hormonal twinges about having another

MalFunkshun · 19/02/2022 03:23

Oops posted too soon!

We absolutely don’t want any more in any practical sense, and are really happy with our family dynamics. DH is getting the snip and it’s the right call for us. But I’ve realised that the biological motivation within us as women is really strong. I’m not sure it’s possible to be absolutely ok with being done and closing the door on all the other potential children we could have had.

DinosApple · 19/02/2022 08:02

DH and I both wanted a third but at different times, so it didn't happen. There's a 17 month gap between our two too.

The feeling did fade. But from when youngest was 7 ish I have said to DH I am now glad we didn't have a third.

Ours are now entering the expensive stage at 11 & 12. The shadow of two dramatic teens looms. Plus they need so much more emotional support than little ones. This is going to be much trickier than two toddlers 🙈.

Footle · 19/02/2022 08:40

@ParkheadParadise , I'm so happy to see your news. Wishing you all the best.

MrsTophamHat · 19/02/2022 08:47

I can sympathise. You've made a head over heart decision so it's understandable that you're emotional about it. Had you gone heart over head, you'd be anxious about finances and the impact on your other children.

Maybe you need to channel your thoughts into what you will be able to do with and for your children that would be harder or even impossible should you have decided to have another baby.

inheritancetrack · 19/02/2022 09:25

I think everyone feels this once they've made the decision, especially as their fertility is waning anyway, and you realise even if you did want more, you can't have them. Ultimately you do become happy with your choice. I would have struggled so much with 3

RampantIvy · 19/02/2022 09:45

Plus they need so much more emotional support than little ones. This is going to be much trickier than two toddlers

This ^^ is so very, very true. When they are little you can make your children feel better with a kiss and a cuddle. When they are teenagers and older and dealing with bullying, friendship issues or relationship issues you feel it as much as they do as a parent, and it is so very difficult.

Unless you have a heart of stone the emotional roller coaster of being a parent to older children can be so draining.

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