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Tips for carrying on when you don't want to anymore?

28 replies

smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 13:49

I am utterly wretchedly unhappy. I don't really like anything about my life or even myself anymore. I can find things to do that make me feel happier whilst I do them, but my underlying life is, well, awful. I only really carry on as I have kids. But they are young, I am not, and the thought of carrying on like this for years to come is unbearable. I've spent years trying to improve things but I think I have reached the end of the line in that. I just don't have much capacity to change things - or the things I can are too small to make an impact.

So are there any tips from anyone who has found a way to just keep going in a life they don't like or want?

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 18/02/2022 13:54

I’m so sorry to hear you’re so down. It’s an awful place to be.

I don’t want to pile in with lots of advice but my first thought is whether you’ve seen your GP, and whether you’ve had any counselling? I have felt like you do now and both of those things really helped me.

And please remember you can always call the Samaritans in a crisis.

smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 13:57

I have had short term counselling from a charity -on the waiting list for another. It helped a bit but it can't really change the underlying factors in my life which make me so miserable.

I do phone the Samaritans every few months. It does help to have someone to tell everything to.

But I am just so tired of feeling like this. Its draining and exhausting.

OP posts:
zafferana · 18/02/2022 13:57

I'm sorry you feel as you do OP. You sound depressed. Do you want practical suggestions, or just to vent? If the former, I think we're going to need a bit more info. But in the meantime, have you seen your GP lately and discussed how you're feeling? Could you be peri/menopausal as that can make some women feel depressed/anxious, but it's actually down to decrease in oestrogen, which is helped with HRT.

leavingtime · 18/02/2022 14:10

I've been where you are believe me. I would suggest at the moment not to fight it all but try and accept your lot as being a low spot in your life which is going to change when the time is right.

Life is difficult in so many different ways. But things change, they always do, whether you do anything or it. It's the only certainty in life.

In the meantime try to appreciate small things, even if it's a walk in the sun, a cuddle from your child, a good tv programme, a good meal, a good book....a bike ride, a chat to a friend, a trip to the gym, a swim...

Just get through one day at a time, go on autopilot. Every day is different. Every day is the start of the rest of our life. Every day something can crop up, change, give you a glimmer of hope. Don't worry too much about the future.

My inspiration was my Gran, who had a tough time in life but pushed on and her life had simple pleasures, no expectations and she ended up content with her lot...by appreciating what she had/was being spared. Meaning her life could have been far worse.

I never thought I'd make it sometimes but I'm still here, early 70's and content/philosophical.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 18/02/2022 14:13

Antidepressants.

smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 14:24

@zafferana Thanks I am on HRT

@leavingtime My life isn't going to change though - not for the better. I used to be able to deal with things by knowing that however much they hurt they would pass. But that's just not true now. My life is just how things are now. In fact, all I can see is it getting worse as I get older and my kids pull away, as they should, when they get older.

OP posts:
smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 14:27

I do try to appreciate the small things. But I don't know, I guess I am just feeling low right now. I'm worn out of the effort of trying to find ways for things to be bearable. I just want things to actually be bearable!

OP posts:
leavingtime · 18/02/2022 14:41

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. We are all on our own journey, some nightmarish...and have to navigate somehow.

Of course life has to have some compensations somewhere to make it bearable, it's not asking too much. I hope you can find some help, some peace. You sound very tired. Look after yourself. X

stairgates · 18/02/2022 14:46

Might be a bit random when I m really low I try and get into a decent book just to let me escape some where in my head for a while :) I like the Dan Brown books Da Vinci code and that sort of thing

Gowithme · 18/02/2022 14:46

What about your underlying life is awful OP? Waht are you finding unbearable? It sounds like it's not related to issues with your kids (as you say it will be worse when they grow up and move away). Is it to do with your OH? Is it to do with something from your past? Is it about how you feel about yourself? If you don't want to share that's fine but you just sound so sad and worn down :-(

smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 14:59

Its all of my life that is crap. Crap job, shit pay, struggling to find time to make proper friends - home working has been awful for me and my work is not going back to the office - no family to turn to. No one really to turn to. Its just all crap. No secure base to build on.

OP posts:
DawnMumsnet · 18/02/2022 15:43

Hi smallspecklargesky,

We're so sorry you're feeling this low.

We can see you're already getting some good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we just wanted to add some links to organisations which might be able to give you some extra help.

Here's a link to Mind's webpage about Coping with the everyday challenges of parenting. Here too is their page on How to improve your mental wellbeing.

Please also take a look at the information and support that's offered by a charity called Gingerbread. We know it's helped lots of Mumsnetters in the past.

If you're feeling very low and need to talk to someone, please contact the Samaritans by calling 116 123, or by emailing [email protected]. You can also ask for help by texting 'SHOUT' to 85258 - Shout's trained volunteers will be able to give you some support - giveusashout.org.

We really hope that things start feeling a bit less bleak for you soon. Flowers

OneSwallow · 18/02/2022 15:54

@smallspecklargesky

Its all of my life that is crap. Crap job, shit pay, struggling to find time to make proper friends - home working has been awful for me and my work is not going back to the office - no family to turn to. No one really to turn to. Its just all crap. No secure base to build on.
My advice is to go break it all down into manageable chunks. Make a list of all the things you want to change in order of importance. Tackle one thing at a time and give yourself a time scale which is realistic. Then break down each thing into steps. For example your job. Think about what sort of job you would enjoy. What steps would you need to achieve it? Then start the ball rolling. It might take two years to get there, but you are moving toward your goal. You might need to study for qualifications, get relevant experience or move to another area. You might need to organise child care. Break it all down into achievable steps.

If you feel you’re moving forward, even at a slow pace, it’s better than staying stuck. You have to start somewhere , even with small changes.

gingerhills · 18/02/2022 16:09

Hi OP,
I can't change your situation - wish I could. Shit pay, being knackered, feeing low all the time, these are things that really are hard to pull back from.

I used to suffer long term depression but haven't for about 5 years. I did take anti-depressants, and if you don;t I strongluy recommend you try some for a short time, just to give you a rest from the constant down.

These days, I find early intervention with CBT techniques work for me. So if I start feeling really low, I'll interrupt myself and say: take a break from feeling anything at all. Just breathe in and out. You don't have to do anything more.

It also helps me to take a big perspective. I am just a grain of sand in the universe - my time here is short and my importance is tiny. I don;t matter, except to DC. And that let;s me off the bhook from trying to matter, trying to be better at earning money/making friends/ being productive/slim/whatever.

you are allowed to just be. You are important to DC and you don;t have to be anything else at all. Ever. Let yourself off the hook for all other things.

Yous ay small things make you feel better temporarily. Try to stitch them together. If a walk or 10 mins yoga with Adriene makes you feel better in the moment, do it and then make a cup of favourite tea that feels better in the moment, and then play your favourite songs while you chop carrots to feel better in the moment, etc, until the tiny uplifts stack up a bit more often than they used to.

The other things that help are to give yourself a LOT of praise. I'm so much more self-c ompassionate than I used to be (used to be like living with the worst school bully/abusive partner 24/7. there was a raging war n my head.) But now I often catch myself saying, 'See, you thought you'd been a lazy arse on MN all day but actually you fed cat/DC/birds, did laundry, finished a report and mailed it, prepped tomorrow's meeting, baked some bread.' Doesn;t matter if all those things took 30 minutes in total and the lounging on MN took 3 hours, I still did them, even though I felt low and shattered. Well done. Little back pat.

When you start being self-compassionate, it almost feels revolting, so false and pathetic to congratulate the small stuff. But it does creep up on you and you find yourself just being kinder.

Last thing that helped me (and I appreciate you feel exhausted from trying so many things) but it did help, was just do something you've not done before, however small, every day - tune to a silly europop radio station, buy some Poundland sweets you've not tried before, walk down a street you've not been down before, play a card game with DC you've not done before, do a 5-minute workout online with a trainer you;ve never heard of etc etc. And just make a note of your opinion of the experience in a notebook or on your laptop. Anything you enjoyed or felt even a bit engaged by, do it again.

Long term, this attitude of being open to new experiences helps you have courage to take bigger chances with life - apply for a bette rpaid job or something else that will genuinely improve your situation.

gingerhills · 18/02/2022 16:10

Sorry. That was both long and really badly typed. Hope it makes sense (if you can be bothered to read it all!)

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 18/02/2022 16:15

So sorry you're going through this. I don't know if my advice will be helpful but it can't hurt, and it's the only way I can share some of your burden, as others have too.

I have found meditation can help; even just putting on those youtube videos from the 'nature healing society' where there's just gentle music and beautiful images - it seems cheesy but I do often feel happier/calmer/rested after having them on for a bit!
Equally cheesy is 'happy' music - totally not what I listen to usually but I have made a playlist, which starts with 'happy' by Pharrell Williams and every other 'happy' song I can find, which I put on if I feel that black cloud coming towards me. Even better is watching the videos to them on youtube. It always helps me in the short term.

Keep talking though, that is key!

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 18/02/2022 16:17

@gingerhills I found it helpful and I'm not even particularly low, thank you!

MuppetKermit · 18/02/2022 16:23

I second meditation. Life saver for me. Just gives you headspace. Maybe worth a try. Flowers

smallspecklargesky · 18/02/2022 16:46

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate those suggestions. I'll have a proper look and read tomorrow and try to think about what I can do. I know that I do need to find the time to do just short, little bits of good things in the day, and the gumption to actually do them.
Self criticism is a bad fault I have when I get like that. The counsellor and Samaritan people do all say that. So I do need to find the self-compassion. That is something I find really, really hard.

OP posts:
lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 18/02/2022 17:25

@smallspecklargesky this image is my screensaver... always makes me smile.. do it xx

Tips for carrying on when you don't want to anymore?
smallspecklargesky · 20/02/2022 12:13

Thanks again everyone. Just want to say that the suggestions you all made have really helped me to refocus on how to think about things more constructively. I am going take a minute at the start of each day to think about, realisitically, what I want to achieve that day, and take time at the end of the day to praise myself for what I have achieved. It only has to be small.

Also going to fit small bits of activity in my day to combat pain from sitting so much. I've got a few you tube videos with simple, short exercises I can do.

And I've diaried in calling a number about a line of work I would like to get into, to see if they know someone I can talk to about how to get into that work.

I feel better having a simple plan. So thanks.

OP posts:
Toanewstart23 · 20/02/2022 12:14

To focus squarely on your children
Fake it to make it
Treat yourself little and often

Spinachtastegud · 20/02/2022 12:20

Gingerhills what great advice Smile

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 20/02/2022 13:46

@smallspecklargesky that's great news, well done! It's amazing how much difference small steps can make, isn't it?! xx

konasana · 20/02/2022 13:52

Read a book called The Power of Now.

Try the app 29k, it's a self compassion course.

29k.org/