Failing as a mum

[kindnessisnotaweakness]

I’m not a natural mother. I love my children (6 and 8) with all my heart however I don’t enjoy being a parent.

Both kids have always been very demanding. I have gone for the gentle (ridiculously soft) approach. Try to let them make choices, I don’t often tell them off, no consequences for bad behaviour - basically very weak parenting.

My 8 year old is ok apart from moaning constantly. But I’ve heard that’s a stage that they go through.

My 6 year old is going through a tough stage.. she shouts for me, if I don’t answer immediately she screams and goes into tantrum mode. I can be in the kitchen making lunch and she’s screaming at me to get her a tissue or whatever.

Both kids bicker almost constantly.

I don’t know how to turn it around. I have ongoing depression and low self esteem, so by the end of each day I’m pretty broken. I have been weak and given them what they want / run around like a servant because I can’t deal with them shouting even more. 6 y/o tells me regularly that I’m a bad mother, she hates me, she’s wants to go to her dads (we split), etc, as soon as I don’t do everything to her requirements.

It’s draining and soul destroying. I try to look after myself as much as I can because I’m trying to get better mentally. I do get free time when they’re at their dads.

I just need to be told how to turn this around I think.

I get it. I’m not a ‘natural’ mother either but I do want the best for my kids. They may be needing your attention more than you’re giving.
I had a daily tick list in my head all to do with things I’d learnt that was good for dcs development. On my list we’re things like
Hugs
Say ‘I love you’
Ask them to help with chores and we all did it at the same time
If we were at home then I took them out somewhere (easier than entertaining at home) and one activity at home at the table like art, jigsaw, baking.
Had movie night/afternoon where I sat with them and watched the film.
Read to them
Do one playful thing with them for 10 minutes such as tickling, pillow fight, being a hug monster and chasing them.
I think it all helps.

You need to stop pandering to the whims of a 6 year old, you are not doing them or yourself any favours. You have identified your weak parenting style .....try and find the strength to shift this....it will make your kids nicer people and reclaim your own right to be treated properly.

What do I need to do to make changes? I’m pretty much lost in the whole situation now as it’s been going on so long. I can see they have no respect for me. I don’t even think they enjoy spending time with me as I’m so worn down from it all. But if I knew what to do to change it then I think I’d have the strength to do that.

I have worked with children for 25 years and has my own. The biggest thing that has ever worked is consequence. And u have to follow through with them. U say something will happen it has to happen. They have to know that u mean something when u say it or they just won’t bother to listen. Trust me on this.

Have you talked about her behaviour with your ex?
How she act with him?
You both need to be doing the same thing, consistently.

Thanks, I’ll give this a go.

Have you read 'how to talk so kids listen'? I quite liked it because it isn't too wishy washy but it also isn't overly strict either. I think it could help you.

Also remember living without boundaries is scary for children - they want and need grown ups to be in charge. There will be a lot of push back when you start to enforce boundaries but you must. It is not fair on your kids if you don't.