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Original poster

Is this normal treatment from a parent ? I’m so hurt and struggling

30 replies

hurtingandworried · 18/02/2022 09:44

My dad.

If I do something he doesn’t approve of for whatever reason, he blanks me totally for several days/sometimes a fortnight .

He disappeared for 20 years - left in my childhood and didn’t contact me again for a very long time . When he eventually did he had no idea how old I was, didn’t know my birthday, and spent the entire time looking at his phone .

We normally talk every couple of days, but if I make a mistake I’m ignored altogether and then told later that I was deliberately ignored because he’s disappointed/angry .

My friend said this is a man who doesn’t love me at all - and said the silent treatment isn’t a normal thing to do . Part of me wondered for years if it’s just what parents do when they’re angry .

He’s previously made me feel downright scared as he shares details of his sex life, has asked me about mine in turn . I’m not sure if that’s just ignorance/not realising what he’s saying .

He does hand over cash at times and he can be nice . So I owe him to try I think .

I have a lot of social work papers/assessments from early childhood in which I refer to him as his first name, not dad, and drawings that clearly show I was witness to domestic violence . I remember hiding and feeling frightened and I remember driving to secluded spots where things used to happen in the car .

But I still want my dad’s approval for some stupid reason and I’m scared that I haven’t got it, that I’m a failure, and I’m so uncomfortable and scared of what the repercussions will be for me each time, when he does contact me .

What can I do? I’m scared to walk away .

OP posts:
stimpyyouidiot · 18/02/2022 09:45

I would be cutting contact. I can't see what he is actually bringing to your life.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 18/02/2022 09:49

Walk away. And if you can't get counselling until you can.

He's toxic and abusive. You don't need his approval and you'll never get it. Because he's a nasty piece of work who enjoys hurting you and keeping you down.

Filthyslattern · 18/02/2022 09:50

I would stop contacting him, block him on all devices and remove him completely from your life.
He sounds like a horrible man and you deserve better than the crumbs he can throw you.

mowglika · 18/02/2022 09:50

Walk away. If you can’t do it cold Turkey, reduce contact until you feel ready to cut contact altogether. All these negative feelings he is inducing in you will fade away. Focus on healing yourself, and seek therapy as it sounds like you have been through a lot.

Cash doesn’t mean you owe him anything, he has damaged you enough and it sounds like he’s back in your life to continue that. And no it isn’t normal for a man who’s barely been in your life to ask you about your sex life.

Redglitter · 18/02/2022 09:51

Cut ties with him. He sounds horrible. You owe him nothing

Ozanj · 18/02/2022 09:51

He’s not your dad. That title has to be earned by more than just throwing money at you.

Mamamia7962 · 18/02/2022 09:52

That isn't normal behaviour and you don't owe him anything. He doesn't bring anything positive to your life. I would stop having any contact with him, you will feel much better in the long-term. Also I think talking to a counsellor about this would help you.

cupofdecaf · 18/02/2022 09:53

When you say things used to happen in the car, was he abusive? If so even more reason to cut ties.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 18/02/2022 09:56

I completely understand the feeling of owing and wanting to stay in contact, but this is doing you more harm than good.
If you don't feel able to cut him off could you reduce contact bit by bit until you're ready, maybe start with once a week rather than every few days and then fortnightly and then monthly etc.

You deserve so much more than what this man is giving you, he seems to enjoy making you feel bad about yourself, a parent doesn't do that.

LaBellina · 18/02/2022 09:56

Silent treatment is a severe form of mental abuse. It has no purpose other then to inflicting pain upon the other. During psychology classes in university I learned that being ignored is actually the worst form of non fysical punishment.

gingerhills · 18/02/2022 09:58

He's not normal. You are.

Cut him out of your life. You need a bit of time to grieve the fact you don't have a loving supportive dad and wish you had, but you will get over that and move on. Choose people in your life carefully - friends and partner, so that they are reliable, unneurotic people who provide the loving stability you deserve, and make them your family.

Haus1234 · 18/02/2022 09:59

It’s absolutely not normal behaviour from a good parent but it may be for an abusive one! You don’t owe him a single second of your time or a single thought, he is vastly in debt to you. I would also suggest cutting off contact but of course that will be very hard.

Lottapianos · 18/02/2022 10:02

None of his behaviour is 'normal' OP. Blanking you, witholding affection, silent treatment - not reasonable and not ok. My mother used to do this and I know how much it hurts and how confused it makes you feel. Sharing details of his sex life and asking you to do the same is really disturbing - not surprised you found that scary. Him giving you cash is his choice, not something you're asking for and not something you have to accept or be grateful for.

I agree with other posters - this man brings fear, confusion and distress into your life. You don't owe him anything. He was not, and is not, a good parent to you. You don't have to put up with it

custardbear · 18/02/2022 10:06

Not all parents are good parents and I'm afraid your dad is crap and highly dysfunctional as a caring parent - please don't set your sights on this man becoming your dad, he just isn't

Aquamarine1029 · 18/02/2022 10:08

You should never, ever speak to this man again. He is not a father to you, he just happened to donate biological material. He is a walking red flag.

riverpebbles · 18/02/2022 10:09

OP, I am very concerned about you. None of this is normal. He sounds truly truly awful. I sincerely hope you have professional support of some kind of help you navigate these feelings, either with a therapist or a support group or calling a helpline. You need support.

CovidCorvid · 18/02/2022 10:11

I remember driving to secluded spots where things used to happen in the car .

Not sure what you mean by this but even if it's not what I think it might mean he sounds like an abusive arsehole who brings you no benefit apart from a bit of cash. You owe him nothing.

Mischance · 18/02/2022 10:22

But I still want my dad’s approval for some stupid reason and I’m scared that I haven’t got it, that I’m a failure, and I’m so uncomfortable and scared of what the repercussions will be for me each time, when he does contact me.

The need for approval from parents is something that is relevant to childhood and something that we discard as we become adults. Because your childhood and your relationship with your father was disrupted it sounds as though you are finding it hard to establish an adult relationship with him, because you have missed out on all the bits in between. I do think a counsellor might be able to help you with this - but I realise that this is costly.

Also - you need to ask yourself why you need this man in your life at all. When we have not had the benefit of normal childhood relationships with parents we often try desperately to somehow claw this back. I do not think this can be done - he is what he is and he is still what he was - unreliable, blowing hot and cold, providing no security - and this is very disturbing and unhelpful for you.

It is indeed very likely that he does not love you - it sounds to me as though he lacks the capacity to truly love anyone, so this is not because of him and who he is. It is not down to you.

So I owe him to try I think - really you don't owe him anything. The problem for you is that you have nothing with which to judge normal parenting because you never had it. This man's attitude to you, his conversation and his attitudes are not normal, and you will be better off without this in your life.

I know it is hard to make that break, and you have this dream of having a normal father who loves you, but he is such a flawed person that this dream will never happen.

You have your own life to lead now and need to shake him off.

I am so sorry that you have had such bad experiences in your young life and hope very much that you can find the help you need to move on - not easy I know.

Mischance · 18/02/2022 10:25

so this is not because of him and who he is. It is not down to you. - I am sorry - this was a slip of the finger - this is because of him and who he is and not down to you at all.

Mischance · 18/02/2022 10:26

Just because he does not love you - or indeed anyone else by the sound of it - does not mean you are not lovable. Flowers

Andouillette · 18/02/2022 10:39

Please, please cut all contact with this awful man. He is bringing nothing positive to your life at all. I know it's easy to say but having seen the damage appalling FIL did to DH, even with low contact I can only urge you not to fall into that trap.

iRun2eatCake · 18/02/2022 10:44

He sounds revolving. Driving you to secluded spots, asking about your sex life Shock. The cash is to pay for his guilt.

No-one should be in your life who makes you question this much about your relationship with them.

Personally l would start pulling back and not speak to him for 3 days..then 4 etc. Then the next time he starts ignoring you, block.his number.

He's trying to put you in "your place" so you don't question him and his actions.... his past record shows what he thinks of women. From that alone l wouldn't want anything to do with a woman beater.

Don't get sucked in, he's probably realised he has no-one to help him in old age

PoshWatchShitShoes · 18/02/2022 10:50

You owe him jack shit. He opted out of parenting for 20 years and is now emotionally manipulative. He sounds like an asshole you don't need in your life!

iRun2eatCake · 18/02/2022 11:03
  • revolting...

Although revolving is good if he's going to "revolve" back out of your life.

Eightiesfan · 18/02/2022 11:19

OP my dad lived with us but he had no clue when my birthday was, my mum always did this whisper shout reminding him to wish me happy birthday. Looking back I think she did this with the intention of me hearing but it’s water under the proverbial bridge now. My parents divorced about 6 years ago, a week after the divorce was made final he left the country and within 4 weeks had remarried to the OW who he had always denied existing and insisted this was all in my mums mind as she was mad, paranoid etc etc. He left and never looked back no contact at all. I couldn’t care less as I haven’t had any relationship with him since I was a teenager (now in my 50s). But my older brother loved him - DB was the golden child who got the dad that me and my other 2 siblings were denied. So the divorce and my dad leaving really affected him, he couldn’t believe he would go NC with not only his children but he also left his 7 grandkids without so much as a backward glance. Some men are just pigs and do not deserve any thought or attention - he left you for 20 years, unless your life will be better with him in it, and reading your post I don’t think it will, so walk away you are better than anything he can bring to your life.

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