How to help a child with alcoholic parents

[flylow]

I've read lots of posts on here from posters of alcoholic parents saying they'd wish someone had stepped in. What should I do? What should I be saying to the child so they know I'm here (latter primary school)?

It's only recently come to light, I had no idea. I've started having them over more and regularly contacting. On the surface all is well but I know it probably isn't deep down.

Sorry I'm keeping it vague in case it's picked up by the papers.

Just giving this a little bump as I posted it in the middle of the night.

Have you flagged this anywhere? School, SS? By having them over more etc you are setting up a dynamic that may be enabling rather than helping. How much of your time/effort/emotional energy are you prepared to put into this? The parents may use this as an excuse to drink more as you have stepped in to a carer role which you cannot then stop. I would advise flagging this and supporting the child rather than taking everything on yourself.

It depends how much intervention you want. Could you speak to the school safeguard to express your concerns? Otherwise, yes regular tea and playdates, don't see what else you can really do

It's a family member.

I'm worried about enabling but if it gives the child a break it's worth doing, I think.

I'm not sure what the school could do, I think they'd deny everything and I think the child would too. All on the surface looks okay.

I wish someone had called SS. It was a miserable existence, i dreaded being at home. My dad told us we weren't to tell anyone my mum drank so much, it felt like a dirty secret.

@OddestSock I'm sorry you went through this.

Would it help if I said directly to the child I know what's really happening, you can talk to me?

I'm so worried about making things worse. I am going to talk to a safeguarding officer that I know for advice on how to approach the school I think.

You know I’ve never actually considered what I would want anyone to say/do, although I don’t remember my mum drinking until I was in my teens. Much like others, I was embarrassed and helped hide it so not sure how I would have responded if someone had spoke to me about it tbh.

It’s wonderful you want to help though, but perhaps start in a more subtle way. Giving the child a safe space, somewhere where they can relax without worry would be a good start. Do you have kids the same age you could have them over to game or whatever kids of that age do these days?

Its a catch 22 though, I loved being out of the house, but it was like a cloud hanging over me, worrying what I’d find when I went home.

The thing is, if you involve SS there’s no good outcome - there’s nothing they can do to make the parents not alcoholics so they either continue to live in that situation or get taken away into foster or residential care which is pretty grim. I’d have them over as much as possible

This is a safeguarding issue. You need to ask to speak to whoever is the Designated Safeguarding Lead at school.

Thank you everyone and those who can give me an insight.

I am trying to have them over more and give them some normality whilst here. It's heartbreaking taking them home though, I can see they don't want to go, but fiercely protective of them too.

Report directly to social services,and also to school.

Don't fear social services involvement. Its the quickest and fastest way to get outside agency support. The parents would be offered addiction support. Theyd also get parenting courses to help them understand their responsibilities. Plus any mental health support needed, financial advice services and so on.

The children would be prioritised at school as a vulnerable child. Plans would be put in place (and people held accountable) to support the children - they'd get health support, mental health support if needed, maybe young carers support and respite if needed.

Then, at the end if all that, if the parents still cannot prioritise the needs of the children then social services would look for placements where the children's needs would be prioritised. That might be family members, not necessarily foster care. But if alternate care is needed, it would likely be after having offered lots of support to the family first. If they still don't improve, then the blunt truth is that the children would be better off with alternative carers.

@Abbsie they are both respectable people holding down good jobs, everything on the surface looks fine. If no one admits anything, including the child, what would happen?

I’m not sure what your relationship is like with the parent, but could you have a Frank conversation with them? I know in my mums case, she was sure no one noticed/knew. I don’t know if would have made a difference is she was called out on it sooner.

[quote flylow]@Abbsie they are both respectable people holding down good jobs, everything on the surface looks fine. If no one admits anything, including the child, what would happen? [/quote]
Depends on other risk factors. Are they outwardly showing signs of neglect? This might be grades dropping at school, poor attendance, unclean clothes, not doing homework, low parental engagement with school, not having childhood health checks, risk taking behaviour in the children, withdrawn, mental health issues.... the list is massive.

Child protection is about building a bigger picture from lots of independently reported small pieces of information.

Maybe nothing will happen. But it will note on their file that concerns about alcohol abuse were raised.

Then maybe school might chip in with other concerns.
Maybe the health visitor team or school nurse might gsve different worries.
Maybe the extra curricular sports leader reported a parent smdlling if alcohol last week.
Maybe a neighbour reported neglect last month.

You have to report because it adds a jigsaw piece to the bigger picture.

Thanks @Abbsie I think a couple of things on that list may have been noticed.

@Yellow85 she knows I know now and has of course promised to stop but of course hasn't.

[quote flylow]@Yellow85 she knows I know now and has of course promised to stop but of course hasn't. [/quote]
No she won’t, but she at least knows she’s not winning in terms of kissing anyone on.

^ kidding any on 🙈

As it’s a family member, you might want to consider getting support from www.al-anon.org.uk
Please do report this to the school, so that they can support the child. Social Services are not to be feared, they very rarely remove children from their parents. They can devise a safety plan with the child, for instance what to do if the child feels unsafe. Childline is a good resource for the child.
Addiction affects people from all backgrounds and thrives on secrecy and shame.
The child’s welfare is paramount.

You have a reason to be concerned about a child. The right thing to do is to pass that on to someone who is in a position to decide if that needs further investigation or support. Send an email (or phone) their school safeguarding lead.

Would it help if I said directly to the child I know what's really happening, you can talk to me?

From a safeguarding perspective you shouldn’t really engage with the child about it unless there’s someone with professional experience involved too. One of the first things you’re told if a child comes to you with a safeguarding concern is that you don’t ask them any questions which could be seen as leading or promoting a response. You report AsAp to the DSL at school or childrens services etc and let them do their job. Of course as you have an existing relationship outside of this with the child you should continue to be supportive of them, but you should leave the management of this particular situation to people who know what they’re doing.

If you start talking to the child about it then their parent says that it’s your word against hers etc it could all get quite ugly and the child will be caught in the middle, whereas a professional will know the right things to say and do in order to get the truth from the child without them worrying they’re betraying their parent or will get into trouble.

Thank you all, you've really helped give me an insight to the process and how to help support them. Thank you, I know what I need to do now.

There's no quick fix here is there 😞