Very introverted/antisocial at work - advice please

[introvertatwork]

I started a new job around 6 months ago, we go into the office 1-2 times per week. I avoid it as much as possible.

I'm quite introverted and I realised I have been isolating myself from everyone and being quite antisocial and I don't really know why or how to shake out of it. We don't have assigned seats in our open plan office and I deliberately book a seat in the corner or deliberately wait for there to be no seats left so I have to book a random seat surrounded by colleagues I don't know rather than sit with my team).

At lunch I often make an excuse of an errand I have to run and then take my time to avoid meeting up with them afterwards.

I also avoid after-work drinks/meals out as much as possible.

I hate it about myself. I don't realise I'm doing it until I catch myself scoffing an M&S sandwich on a bench in freezing cold windy weather rather than join my colleagues in the work cafe.

My colleagues are lovely and tend to message me to invite me to join them but I think that they will obviously lose patience eventually and give up.

I also get hurt seeing other friendships blossom whilst I feel quite lonely and isolated. I always come home feeling so dejected.

Does anyone have any advice?

I should add I wasn't like this in a previous job. I'd happily sit with colleagues and was quite outgoing with them.

you're not really an introvert for a start...

Is it a low self esteem thing? Why would self-esteem be bad now but not before?

I had an officemate who took the corner desk & glared at us if we got too close ... fierce & proud about it. She confidently occasionally reminded us that she chose that desk to be far away from everyone else, disliked people in general, so like a lot of the odd characters in the office we treated her like a peculiar pet. When she had occasional sociable moments she was funny & loud -- and otherwise highly competent at her job. That's a confident introvert.

What is different about this office and your last one?

Are you depressed in any way?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m sure COVID has affected many in this way. There is nothing wrong with deciding not to socialise with colleagues but if you feel like you would be happier if you were more integrated then you may need to take a leap of faith. Take it slowly. On a day when you’re not feeling too bad, take your lunch to the cafe and start small by asking a colleague a question. Join in when you would like to. It will take some effort on your part. But remember it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. You can feel a bit more like part of the team without having to be a social butterfly.

So what has changed?
Can you fake it until you make it, especially as you obviously usrd to socialize naturally?

Maybe there's something off about them and you've subconsciously picked up on it.

Can you start small? Set yourself some targets to work towards?

For example:

1. Make yourself go into the office at least once a week for four weeks. This is non-negotiable for four weeks, but you can re-assess after that time period.
2. Say 'good morning' to your colleagues as you walk in.
3. Have a short face-to-face conversation with one colleague once a week - you don't need to get personal or become BFFs, just a quick query about a project they're working on or similar.
4. Invite a colleague to join you on a walk - this is a bit less pressured than sitting down in a café or break room with a dozen other people.
5. If a group is going out for drinks or similar, join them for a pre-defined time (you can set this in your head - 30 minutes is plenty).

You sound unhappy and you know you need to change, so look at it like setting goals - small, easily attainable steps. You don't need to go from 0-60mph all at once.

Change can be uncomfortable, but sometimes you need to push yourself to get the results you want.

@Afflt offers very good advice. For a while you will feel very uncomfortable, awkward and wanting to hide in a corner. It will get easier, just be dint of exposing yourself to certain situations, and think of the reward. Not dreading going to the office, not having to hide, maybe even finding some of it fun. And what's the worst that can happen?

I was like this in a recent job. Hated going into the office whereas before I wild have loved it. Felt really intimidated by everyone for no real reason. Didn't shake it for the whole 6 month Contract and it's making me nervous for my next bit of work. I put it done to a bit of a covid related social anxiety that I didn't even know I had. Very weird for me.

Maybe it is a low self-esteem thing.

I end up feeling so rude and guilty about it, as I can tell people are reaching out and trying to include me. My line manager is always asking if people are being friendly, if i'm chatting to people and will always ensure I hear about things like after-work drinks. It makes me feel really sad that they are trying their best to include me and it's just not working. :(

I'm not sure what's wrong. Everyone is around my age (mid 20s) and so I should be happy. In my previous job I wasn't working in an office but was working with a small team of around 10 people all day everyday and in-person. It was a very sociable job where we would chat all day it kind of forced me to break out of my shell. I really enjoyed work and would come home energised from all the socialising, I felt like an extrovert

I have tried 'fake it 'til you make it' but I usually hit a wall. For example, I went along to drinks and walked into a busy bar with everyone and just felt completely overwhelmed that I ended up muttering an excuse to whoever was next to me and walking straight out and going home.