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Original poster

How can I develop boundaries and learn to say ‘no’?

19 replies

HufflepuffPride · 17/02/2022 13:35

I’ve suddenly realised that I have dreadful boundaries and this allows others to walk all over me, I’m a people pleaser and really struggle to say ‘no’ to people and on the occasions that I do I feel so dreadfully guilty that it eats me up. I’ve even taken to telling lies to get out of stuff like saying I’m ill or having car trouble to get out of things. It’s making me miserable and I’m so desperate to change. Would therapy maybe help me?

OP posts:

MartaFlutterButterBye · 17/02/2022 14:00

Maybe you could try rehearsing some phrases in front of a mirror. Give yourself some slack too. We are all naturally people pleasers as everyone craves acceptance.

NewBeginning39 · 17/02/2022 14:15

I used to be just like this so I totally understand how awful it feels. I never could just say no without offering some sort of explanation. Yes I was a people pleaser but I also hated myself for not being brave and letting people walk over me. I’ve now learned to assert myself more and I don’t over explain anymore. Yes therapy can help but it might also worth going down the self help route too. Brene Brown books/TED talks are fab & there’s also a book called “The courage to be disliked” which I found massively helpful. Learning to be authentic was scary & tough but so worth it!

WouldIwasShookspeared · 17/02/2022 14:17

Have you tried buying some time by saying "let me think about it", "let me get back to you" and stuff like that.
That way you have time to decide what you want to say and how to say it.
Being put on the spot is a killer for people pleasers. I used to be a huge one!

PersonaNonGarter · 17/02/2022 14:18

Yes, assertiveness therapy is likely to help. If that’s difficult to arrange there are lots of resources on YouTube.

Lottapianos · 17/02/2022 14:18

'Would therapy maybe help me?'

I think the answer to this question is pretty much always 'YES!'. Therapy could help you get to the bottom of WHY you are such a people pleaser, where that comes from, what are your fears around saying no, and generally help you to understand yourself a lot better

On a practical note, it helps me to remember that most people would rather have a polite version of 'no' upfront, than to have someone go along with plans that they're not really keen on, or cancel last minute

starfishmummy · 17/02/2022 14:25

Honestly, telling "white lies" is what everyone does. Just be careful not to get caught out, so a "sorry I can't" should be enough.

Maybe read some assertiveness books.

Original poster

HufflepuffPride · 17/02/2022 15:04

The problem is that some people won’t always take no for an answer and can be really pushy. Or they will have a way of manipulating me and I always give in.

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 17/02/2022 15:32

I used to find with things on a definite date I could just say that I couldn’t make it. If someone was organizing an event and canvassing opinions of which date suited them all, I would be more likely to say upfront if it was something I didn’t want to attend and count me out.

I think it’s important to know that if people ask you why you can’t attend something, you don’t owe them an explanation as it’s none of their business and they are being rude. You can say firmly “I don’t think that’s any of your concern.” Good friends wouldn’t behave this way, if they aren’t good friends, ask yourself why it matters what they think.

WouldIwasShookspeared · 17/02/2022 15:52

Sometimes you just have to be ok with someone being pissed off with you because they haven't got their own way.

Begrateful · 17/02/2022 15:55

Life's too short to worry about pleasing people. Simply, "just say no!" then get on with your life.

FlowerArranger · 17/02/2022 15:56

@HufflepuffPride

The problem is that some people won’t always take no for an answer and can be really pushy. Or they will have a way of manipulating me and I always give in.

Why are you friends with people that cause you so much stress? What's in it for you? Once you've answered these questions, you can develop strategies for getting them out of your life or at least neutralise their toxicity.

DorotheaFrazil · 17/02/2022 15:58

@HufflepuffPride

The problem is that some people won’t always take no for an answer and can be really pushy. Or they will have a way of manipulating me and I always give in.

Once you start saying no and enforcing your boundaries, this sort of stuff actually stops happening. The people who try to bully you into doing stuff for them disappear to find an easier target.

Saying no to things you don't want to do actually allows you more time to say yes to the things you do want to do. So maybe you need to reframe it in your head into a more positive light.

It's scary the first few times you say no and mean it, but honestly, when you realise the sky doesn't fall in, it's great!

riog · 17/02/2022 15:59

I get it as I'm exactly the same. Often it's not friends (my friends are generally great!) but family who I have trouble saying no to. They know my weaknesses and often I say yes as it's actually easier then saying no as I will be sitting their worrying all evening. I also make excuses a lot of the time. It's something I really want to get better at.

caranations · 17/02/2022 16:20

@HufflepuffPride

The problem is that some people won’t always take no for an answer and can be really pushy. Or they will have a way of manipulating me and I always give in.

Who? Is this a family member, or someone at work, or a friend? What are they expecting you to do?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/02/2022 16:27

When you get to the menopause you'll have no trouble telling people to bugger off.

AdaColeman · 17/02/2022 16:27

Have you considered doing an on-line self assertiveness course, there are quite a few available? Or perhaps you have a customer facing role at work where self confidence and self assertiveness would help you? If so, a SA course could be part of your on going profession development, and your company might pay for it.

Another thing to think about is the way that self assertiveness and self esteem and self confidence are all interlinked, so perhaps take up a hobby that will increase your self confidence, such as amateur dramatics or choral work, or join a poetry reading group.

yamadori · 17/02/2022 19:30

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

When you get to the menopause you'll have no trouble telling people to bugger off.

I second that!

user1471554720 · 17/02/2022 19:57

You could say 'I have something else on' or 'I am not free'. If people are cheeky enough to ask, just smike and say 'it is a long story' or 'it is personal'.

If I am asked to stay back at work or cover for something non urgent, I say 'I have an appointment', in my most official voice. If anyone asks me to rearrange, I say that I can't as I may not get another appointment. This suggests it is medical/physio. If people are cheeky enough to ask what your appointment is, just keep saying you have an appointment even more firmly.

I hate when someone says 'are you passing by X store. Then when you say yes you will get an errand. By the time you have parked etc it will add 20 mins to your journey.

If you can't refuse you can always be sick on the day. That is not great as you are worrying about texting your 'excuse'.

Original poster

HufflepuffPride · 17/02/2022 21:16

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

When you get to the menopause you'll have no trouble telling people to bugger off.

Hahah yes. I’d not thought of that!

OP posts:

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