50 and tired of pouring from an empty cup

[Emilyinpanic]

50 next month. My life is a mess. Was attempting to fix it pre Covid but the pandemic has just about decimated any energy I had left. Feel old and fearful about everything.

Marriage on the rocks. DH doesn't even like me, I suspect, much less love me. I don't much like him right now. We can't seem to communicate and each of us thinks the other is at fault.

DD 22, has MH problems exacerbated by pandemic. She is in therapy but by god it is a slow process. She is very draining and negative all the time.

Am self-employed and have lost all interest in my career which is not good because it needs me to be a self-starter
Friends appear to have drifted away in the pandemic.
Close family in another country and not seen them for 2 years.

I went to the GP last week and have been prescribed HRT.
Feel no energy for sorting out any of this stuff. I am not overweight, do not drink, and eat healthy ( those would be the easy fixes for me). I just don't have any emotional bandwidth left for anyone. Completely drained.

I do get time to myself before anyone asks ( part of why I went self-employed). Went out for dinner last night with the few friends I have got left. But felt remote and distanced from them. And reluctant to share how I am feeling. Don't want anyone's pity and they are all doing fantastically.

I don't know how I have ended up in a situation where I am responsible for everyone else's happiness.

do you think you are depressed? how about going to gp about that.
and your dd may need another kind of treatment.
as with your dh you need sit down and talk i guess.
have you had any blood tests done recently? you can discuss with your gp.

Could you get therapy for you? You need some space, that is evident from your post, and therapy may help as you navigate trying to get that. You are comparing and projecting a lot in your post so I would definitely warrant taking that somewhere to talk through. Your daughter's path is her own, she can't get happy to make your life easier. And vice versa. Advocate for yourself and get help.

Can't answer properly now but so much you have posted is the same with me. I'm looking into counselling

@coffeeisthebest

Could you get therapy for you? You need some space, that is evident from your post, and therapy may help as you navigate trying to get that. You are comparing and projecting a lot in your post so I would definitely warrant taking that somewhere to talk through. Your daughter's path is her own, she can't get happy to make your life easier. And vice versa. Advocate for yourself and get help.

but her dd's mh is affecting op.

I'm a similar age and finding life hard work at the moment too. It's a bit trite, but finding things that spark interest and change have been good for me. I do some voluntary work that gets me out one night a week and occasional weekends and have made some lovely friends from it. I think without that, I'd be feeling pretty lonely.

You are only responsible for your own happiness, and that should be your priority at the moment. No wonder you feel flat and distant - bored with your career, draining marriage, sick child, menopause.

Can you pick one big thing to change - marriage or work look like the options? Let the others just roll alone but make one of those your project.

FWIW you still have time to retrain - I missed my chance, but if you fancy a massive switch then now's the moment to go for it.

HRT is a good start but do some deeper research into what you actually need (eg UK doesn't prescribe testosterone, which is reputed to help with flat mood).

You need some fun OP. I just turned 50 and felt like you, What worked for me was grabbing misery arse dh (same as yours by the sound of it!) and buggering off for a long weekend. Just us two ironing out our differences,getting the rubbish off our chests and out into the open between us.You know when it boiled down to it it seemed quite rational for both of us to be feeling crappy, We left everything behind us turned off our phones and sat and ate fish n chips on a slimy wall in the freezing cold and rain and we laughed at the absurdity of it,at us and everything.It had been a long time since it was just me and him alone and even longer since we laughed Turns out we arent bad people and we do get on quite well!!! It was a start to rebuilding us.long forgotten about us and there is light now where there was frankly nothing, My mind is easier as a result of it. Worth a try maybe?

I'm sorry that you feel like this @Emilyinpanic. The feelings you describe can be hormone related so hopefully the HRT will soon start to have an affect. Do remember to go back to the GP if you feel the dose needs altering. The declining hormones can have a devastating effect on our physical & mental health.
It sounds like you have got so much going on at home too with your DD & DH. Would you consider sitting down with DH and telling him how you are feeling in general? Could you say you can feel yourselves pulling away from each other but you would like to see if you could reverse that? I know it can be hard if you've both come to a stage where you are perhaps struggling to see the good in each other. You probably do need each others support so that you can lean on each other when supporting your daughter.
As another poster suggested, do you have the time & energy to do something outside the home like volunteering or taking up an interest that might take the focus away from home/work. I hope things improve for you OP.

I read the menopause described as the 'loss of joy' and this has certainly been the case for me. I am a similar age to you and in the last few years have just found everything a struggle, feel depleted and let down by life and humans. It's tough OP. Menopause is not for wimps! I am 6 months on HRT and definitely have more energy. It hasn't been a miracle cure. I've realised I need to cultivate joy in my life now. This is not easy and involves trying new things I wouldn't have bothered with before. It's hit and miss at the moment but I keep trying. I have bought some small binoculars and go walking and birdwatching. It's not life changing but I enjoy ticking off the birds I've seen. There will be something out there that will bring you some happiness again.
Hang in there and I hope the HRT brings some relief to you

Oh man I was listening till you said emotional bandwidth.

Stating the obvious you need your mojo back, which is probably going to involve digging deep, which I imagine is the last thing you want right now, when you need to get energy back.

So can you have project getting your energy back.. thoughts: book a retreat (taraloka is nice) or a yoga holiday - try and get away for a weekend every 2 months. Have one or two energy restoring events a week - Yoga or pilates classes. Massage. Swim ideally followed by sauna. A solo afternoon in a coffee shop with a book. A solo theatre or cinema trip. fGo to a gallery and only look at a couple of paintings. Book a solo city break. Plan some walks when the weather is better. Focus on being with yourself, being with other people is too draining right now. It will come back. On a practical level go back to the GP re low mood if you feel that short term medication might help.

Focus only on getting your energy back for now. Sorting out your life can be autumn or next year. As well as doing things that will put energy in, start increasing your boundaries to stop it draining out. It sounds like you and your husband will separate in time, so start by separating from him in your mind. Look after your daughter of course, but it's also good for her to respect your boundaries and sort out her own problems - give her a bit of concentrated time, but take yourself away more.

Do some reading around burnout, people pleasing and self care.

Once you're feeling better (and you will), you can turn to the future. It sounds like your marriage is over, so you will likely be moving to separation, a new home and life. Careershifters is a good way to tweak your career.

Start by looking after yourself and have faith the rest will come.

@tootiredtospeak

Oh man I was listening till you said emotional bandwidth.

Helpful.

Thanks for all the responses. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon. V unlike me! Will respond tomorrow.

I think you need to wait for the HRT to kick in before you make any decisions.
This age is a well known age for feeling unsettled, I feel it too.

Thanks again for all the responses. You are all very wise, but I particularly identified with @ThePinkOwl's words " I feel let down by life and humans". I guess I didn't predict that parenting and a long marriage would feel like so much WORK, on top of proper work. I thought my DC would have a much better life than I did ( I come from poverty) but they seem to have such a hard road given the pandemic, the economy, housing prices etc etc.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline I like your idea. We do still have a laugh over shows like The Apprentice.

I like the idea of getting my energy back first before I sort out my life and focusing on one thing at a time.

Those who have suggested anti-depressants, my GP seems to think I should try HRT first and see how that goes. I remember my mom went through menopause at 51 and lost her mojo completely, but got it back after HRT. I did go on ADs briefly about 20 years ago and got on very badly with nearly all of them, but I guess they have improved since then. But I can start therapy.

I went over to the Menopause forum and see that a lot of women are feeling this way. Depleted.

Sorry if this post is all over the place. I really did find all your advice helpful and will try to implement as much as I can.