Should I find it this hard?

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

We have DS who is 3.5 and DD 16 months.

I'm exhausted. Both are waking early and therefore over tired. DS's meltdowns are frequent and exhausting.

I work 3 days a week as a secondary school teacher. DH is a barrister and doing crazy hours. This half term will comprise me looking after the kids. DH does bedtime for one of them but day time it will have just been me. I feel like i will be holding back tears when people talk about the half term break they had.

DH is really getting on my nerves, he seems to lack such common sense and is getting defensive. I'm probably impatient.

Our nanny has had a change of circumstances so has given her notice in. I've a month to find alternative childcare. I broke my arm in October. We had covid 2 weeks ago and that I think has wiped me out.

My parents are frail, my mum had mental health issues and our conversations usually start with her crying at me telling me she's going to be shut away in a 'loony ward'. Dad blames me and my siblings. DH's mum and stepdad moved 500 miles away and his father is an abusive alcoholic who we aren't in contact with.

I've been up since 4.45 with DD.

Should I be finding this easier than I am? I'm on citalopram.

To be clear- our nanny is part time term time only - so I am either working or with the children.

You have a lot on your plate- it must be relentless! Could you find a trusted person to take them for a day or two so you can relax? You are at risk of burnout.

It's not you OP. It sounds like a really challenging set of circumstances. Anyone would be finding it hard to manage all that.

Bloody hell that is a lot.

I would honestly see your GP and get signed off for a month. I know you’ll say you can’t, but you are at risk of burnout, and it will prevent a bigger crash later. It will give you time off when the nanny is in and some headspace.

I'd prioritise getting a new nanny as the burning issue. Can you afford to have the Nanny 4 days a week to buy yourself some time to breath? Or keep the Nanny to 3 days and get a mother's help for a day a week 52 weeks a year?
You're presumably on a good household income. You've got zero help, throw money at it.
Big hugs to you love, it sounds tough

I don't think we could afford 4 days a week but I work in a private school so get longer holidays. Think we will have this arrangement as state school hols so I would get 5 weeks across the year where I get 3 days off.

Kids are currently asleep in the back of the car. Someone will wake and wake the other and then their whole routine will be out of whack but I'm not waking them.

I've missed so much work but to various reasons, I think my boss would kill me if I went off any more.

I've tried to organise nice things this half term but dS particularly is so tired. We've been swimming and out to the park every day and they have soft play tomorrow and a castle visit. Unfortunately our exiting nanny was unable to do anything over the holidays.

Have an interview this afternoon and a other on Sunday for the nanny.

You need some holiday childcare!
I work TTO, with older kids, and holidays are no break.
When looking for a new nanny, talk about ad hoc holiday care. Maybe the nanny works each half term, or 1 day a week in the holidays. Or 3.5 days TTO.
DH also needs to take some time off, and spend it at home.
It's not you. Its the life stage you are at. It WILL get easier. Look after yourself.

Thank you. I'm finding it so ough and hard not to be comparative. A friend messaged me the other day (while inwas doing my 9th parents evening of the year,.none of which have been on the days I work) saying 'u don't want to know what I'm doing' to which I obs said 'go on then' 'booking a weekend for me and DH on the amalfi coast. MIL having kids'.
I've not been able to message her since.

And now they are napping in the car that's probably by lunchtime break gone

You have obviously got alot going on, but no more than every parent out there. I am a low paid, part time working single parent with 100% care, I'm either working or got children too!

You poor woman! You are really up against it, aren't you? Things always seem a million times worse when you're tired, throw a broken arm and covid into the mix and it's just horrendous.
You really need help, so I hope that you get a Nanny soon.
But a few things stuck out for me from your post - you say you try to do nice thing for your DC - do you try to do too much for them perhaps? Could they be overstimulated? Are you perhaps setting unrealistic expectations for yourself regarding them?
And you said your DF blames you and your siblings for your DM mental health - perhaps this may need to be unpicked? Maybe it's set the stall for how you think you should parent?
Just thoughts for you, OP.
Unmumsnetty hugs for you

I'm not sure they are overstimulated. This week we've done the park several times, food shopping, swimming and visited their godparents twice.

I honestly think I need to phone social services. I was horrible to my son this evening and he burst into tears. I'm a horrible mother.

It gets easier! My children have just over 18 months between them. The early years are hard! Don’t listen to colleagues who are doing lovely things. Try and make it nice for you, easy meals and short trips out. Can you talk to your DH about doing more bedtimes or something to give you a break)