A few weeks ago I saw my abuser in the street. He is my brother and sisters dad. I haven't seen him in about 15 years.
I had a horrific childhood. He took my virginity when I was 8...or 9...I can't remember. Mum was a crack addict.
Moved in with my nan when I was 11. All was well.
I've been very open about the abuse to anybody who may need to hear from somebody who had been through similar. It NEVER affected me in any way. As he was my siblings parent i often saw him when i was younger, I'd just stay away until he left. I was almost proud that his abuse never affected me.
Until now.
I saw him in my town a few weeks ago. I don't know what happened but I've been on a downward spiral ever since. I've never had a panic attack before. I was in my bathroom. I was convinced my chest was going to explode. I had an impending sense of doom. I was convinced I wouldn't survive the night. I was too scared to admit what was happening to me so I messaged my manager and told her I couldn't come into work the next day because my partner hit me. I attached a pic of a bruise I'd got when I slipped on shampoo in the shower.
Please don't ask me why I done this. I wasn't thinking straight.
Since then I can't rest. I've lost a stone. I pace up and down, I can't relax. I can't read. The lie I told my manager has snowballed.
I so desperately wanted to tell somebody what was on my mind but I couldn't. I needed to protect my brother and sister.
Instead I kept up the 'domestic violence' story'. That way, I'd still get the support I needed without saying what was really concerning me.
It didn't work though. I told so many different lies to so many people.
A week or so ago, my partner saw my message to my manager. Understandably, he was not only hurt but shocked. I never told him about my childhood.
A discussion turned into an argument. I was so ashamed. The thought of knowing I'd told lies about him was overwhelming. I couldn't face him. I left the house in my pyjamas. By this point the children were awake so he took them to Mcdonalds for breakfast.
I called into work and repeated the 'domestic violence' issue. To me, it was my way of saying I'm in pain.
My manager called the police, sent them the picture I sent her. I called them not long after. My intention was to report the abuse I had been through in the past but I simply couldn't get it out. They asked me if it was my partner, I said it was somebody else bit I was too scared to open this huge can of worms.
He's been so wonderful since. He knows I'm struggling. I'm awaiting a callback from my GP for the help I've needed all these years. I never saw it coming. I'm so shocked.
I've told my manager the truth. I am completely overwhelmed. I can't believe my partner has forgiven me.
I've got social services coming tomorrow because as far as they're aware, our children were present when domestic violence occurred. It's not true though. I'm so worried. I'm going to tell them the truth even though it's not something I want to talk about.
I don't know where to go from here.