If you use friend apps (Bumble etc) would you do this?....

[MyMaiTai]

Hi,

I bit the bullet and joined a few months ago after complaining for years that I don't really have any local friends anymore. Someone introduced me to a few apps and after a sceptical start, I'm actually really happy I joined, as I've made several good friends

Anyway, I was talking to a friend that I met on the app the other day and she was saying that when she was using dating apps, she would be really up front from day one if she wasn't feeling it. I asked if she'd do the same with a friendship app and she said yes! I was really surprised, but then I guess why waste your time or theirs. I know lots of straight talking, almost brutal daters, who would actually say on the date that it's just not going to happen, but I don't know.....is it different with potential friends? I'm not sure I could do this.

What would you do if you met an "app friend" but decided you just weren't compatible after meeting? Would you tell them up front or just dodge calls, texts etc? Otherwise known as ghosting

Be interesting to hear your thoughts.

It seems particularly cruel tbh. Someone who joins and meets up with someone, but is then told that they don’t want to meet again and can’t see them being friends. They could well spend forever more wondering what’s wrong with them and if that is why they don’t have friends in the first place!

Dating seems fair enough as there are a million reasons for not being attracted to someone or feeling a spark.

I've considered this too recently after meeting someone from Peanut. She is nice but I'm not sure if we have enough in common. After some reflection on previous friendships I remembered how some of them had taken a while to grow and I realised that you probably need to meet someone quite a few times to really get to know them so I decided to continue meeting her.

I know what you mean @bankersbonus, but then the more I think about it the more I'm torn. If you really just know that you're not going to be friends, is it better to be up front and say you don't believe you're compatible as friends, rather than stringing them a long for a while before just cutting them out. Wouldn't that be more damaging to someone's confidence?

@Snozwanger, I have had similar. Tbh I think we're both thinking the same, but as you say, it can sometimes take time to really get to know someone, so think we're both giving each other some time. Not sure how I'll deal with it if it still feels like an effort in a few months. Out of interest though, if you had decided to call it a day, how would you have approached it?

You could just say you have nothing in common so don’t see a friendship happening, no one is forced to be friends with anyone I don’t see how it’s different to saying to a date that there is no spark etc

I think it's kinder to just stop replying, and only be upfront if the person is really persistent about trying to stay in contact and can't take the hint.

I haven't used these apps but as someone with very few real life friends, I'd be crushed if someone met me a few times and then told me outright that they didn't think we'd ever become friends and didn't want to see me again. I know that happens with dating, but friendship seems different - you don't have to have just one friend and break up with them if you want to make another! With ghosting, it could be that they don't get on with you, but it could also be something unrelated - person stopped using app, is too busy to meet up, etc. It's much less personal.

@RedCandyApple, well this is what my friend was saying. I do see the logic, but there's something more brutal about a potential friend, essentially rejecting you and a potential partner. I don't really know why. I'm just trying to put myself in both positions and that would upset me more I think.

I'd just let it run its natural course. Early on, if you don't click and not much effort is made, that's what happens. It fizzles out. Then you don't have to basically say "you're not good enough to be added to my list of friends" and risk the awkwardness of seeing them around

@TheCountessOfGrantham, I guess, but then you're kind of being told the same thing if someone suddenly starts ignoring you.

Either way, it's going to sting.

@MyMaiTai In regards to how to call it a day if I wasn't compatible with someone...I'm really not sure 🤔 I'm not sure I'd have the guts to say outright that I didn't gel with someone. My feeling was though that it would be harder to do further along the line and more unkind. But then how many times would you need to meet someone to decide? It's a tricky one which I haven't solved myself yet.

@Snozwanger, it really is tricky.

It's almost put me off meeting more people off the app in case I'm in that situation.

@MyMaiTai Strangely I think joining the app has given me the momentum to talk to more people in real life. I've since been chatting with a mum at playgroup who invited me out for a meet up with the kids this week and we got on really well. I feel like I'm learning what I need to do to make those new connections now where I was lacking confidence before.