Am I the friend that people feel obliged to stick with?

[Diditopknot]

I have a small group of good friends.
I’ve known them for 15 years plus. We are all older ladies btw.

I am a socially awkward introvert, don’t drink alcohol, not good at small talk. My friends are important to me.
We meet for a pub tea every few months, home by 10, it’s lovely. Chat flows, we laugh a lot.

Last few times there’s been a change.
I felt very much brushed away, humour fell flat, they chatted amongst themselves, no eye contact with me, no matter how I tried to go with the conversation flow, they didn’t engage. There has been no fall out, nothing different has happened to trigger this.

It has occurred to me that maybe I’m the one who they feel obliged to be around.
I arrange the get togethers all the time so maybe they just feel bad and turn up. It’s only every few months, generally locally to them.

I think it’s a hint I’ve maybe not recognised in the past. Now I do sadly.
I think I’ll knock it on the head and save them the embarrassment and everything that goes along with dropping the annoying person.

Anyone with words of wisdom or has this happed to you or anyone you know?

I think I would speak to one of the group and just check this isn't in my mind before knocking it on the head as you suggest. Friendships can wax and wane over a lifetime so perhaps things have run their course with this group. It sounds odd and cruel for the whole group to initiate a cold shoulder approach over several meals though.

It’s so weird isn’t it.
But I think you are right, it’s fun it’s course.

This is so sad. What are you going to do? Say something? Take a step back?

I think it’s possible you could be misinterpreting some awkwardness in the group (eg perhaps someone has a personal issue you aren’t aware of but some group members are) as being about you? I would talk to a member of the group you feel most comfortable with, and ask if there’s anything you should know.

See how it goes next time. It may well have been nothing to do with you.

Don’t jump before checking - sensitive people can sometimes mess up friendships over imagined slights. Obviously if that’s not the case you’ll want to move on an find new friends via interest groups, friendships do change through life.

Op I think you are probably not imagining this - I was effectively forced out of a group who went on holiday together and for a year or so before that I had the feeling they were tiring of me. I wish I had pulled out then but I didn’t so it actually all culminated in an embarrassing argument.

I would just stop organising the meet ups

Is there anyone in the group you get on well with who you could meet away from the rest of the group for dinner or a coffee?

This sounds a bit ‘me, me, me’, OP — why would it be anything at all to do with you? How can you possibly know, for instance, that you were the only person with whom no one else was making eye contact? Do they see one another between these pub meals?

@SnakeLinguine it’s about her so strangely it’s about her.

If you feel you are being shunned or laughed at by a group it’s a horrible feeling. I was basically thrown out of a friendship group and I will never know what I did wrong. Sadly this happens - it’s a thing

I understand you're concerned there is a dynamic shift that's related to you- but they are all still coming- you are organising it, and they are attending- they aren't meeting up without you.

Do they all meet up in between your meet ups?
Do you all know each other equally well?
It's v hard when you feel on the outside of a former group. It's really unsettling & makes you question yourself..
I echo what a lot of others are saying- is see if I could have coffee with the one I was closest to & see if I could suss things out.

Is there anyone you have been particularly close too? Can you have a little chat on the side to them, perhaps organise to meet for a coffee. Also remember OP that the last couple of years have been difficult in terms of meets and socialising and that people are out of practice so it might not be you. Good luck to you. I would be really surprised if things had changed at this point when you've been friends for so long.

[quote MissHavershamReturns]@SnakeLinguine it’s about her so strangely it’s about her.

If you feel you are being shunned or laughed at by a group it’s a horrible feeling. I was basically thrown out of a friendship group and I will never know what I did wrong. Sadly this happens - it’s a thing[/quote]
@MissHavershamReturns, of course the post is about her — she wrote it. However, she’s assuming on no particular evidence that the odd behaviour of the group is because her friends no longer tolerate her, but show up grudgingly because she’s the organiser, rather than considering all other options. That’s ‘me, me, me’.

Or looking at it another way she’s there and reading the room. Most people don’t assume generally people hate them and she’s been going happily for over a decade. Why would she suddenly imagine they hate her?!

I think friendships changed a lot over lock down. I leaned a lot when people were restricted to meeting one friend or in groups of six.

It depends how you feel about it. My gran had a group of older ladies she had lunch with every week. She was the only driver and she knew that was one of the reasons she was popular, but she didn't mind, she got a lot out of the outings too. MIL was very bitter about anything she saw as "using" and ended up with no friends at all.

So if you enjoy the outings keep it up. If you want to "test" them leave it to someone else to get in touch next time. Not every relationship has to be perfect IMO. People are flawed and people come in and out of our lives for lots of different reasons.

@MissHavershamReturns

Or looking at it another way she’s there and reading the room. Most people don’t assume generally people hate them and she’s been going happily for over a decade. Why would she suddenly imagine they hate her?!

Well, that’s a fair question, but she says herself she’s a ‘socially awkward introvert’ — such people often assume that they’re at fault in uncomfortable social situations, especially if (as is suggested by the OP), this friendship group is important to her because she doesn’t have many others, so there’s little to compare it with in her life. I mean, it could be her, obviously, but if there are multiple other people involved, who potentially also see one another individually or in groups in between the meetings organised by the OP, it’s equally possible it’s something arising from one of them.

I think I’d give it one last chance and see if the same thing happens. Is there any one person in the group you could approach?

Thanks everyone, as always you are wise and offer good alternative ways of looking at a situation.
I’m very appreciative of you taking the time for me.

We are a group of good mutual friends so they may meet up with each other in between and absolutely there may be something in the background that I’m not aware of.
I like to think that if there is, our get togethers are a nice distraction from it for them.

They are such a great bunch, but it was very obvious that something was off.
I’m going to just step back a bit. Whatever is going on, needs time and space I think.
It’ll come out in the wash I’m sure.

Trying hard to redirect those horrific negative thoughts of being a shit annoying friend.
Thanks again.