Broken

[Cbh85]

Im so lost. I need advise.

Since my my second child came along (hes now 5) it was a struggle to juggle my husba nds commute, finding a child friendly part time job and getting back out into the world. I had it nailed then covid (im not alone i know) then i fell pregnant again. We didn't plan for a 3rd but we feel incredibly blessed. It wasn't an easy ride emotionally. I panicked week after week during my pregnancy about our finances, my kids our run down car.... if i felt it mattered i worried about it. I fret about my age and weight .....the list went on (because as I was reminded its tough for us over 35s without a size 14 body 🙄) Shes now nearly 1 and we couldn't be without her!!!!

I love my kids. But with each one i feel a huge chunk of me left when they arrived.
And this time around im empty. My spark for life, my confidence everything. Its hard to bounce back. Before my 1st born inwas self employed, young perky and enjoyed company. Now i sepnd my days avoiding people eating buiscuits some days i don't brush my hair.

My hair loss this time around is, bad my skin is terrible, my weight is bad, i haven't had a hair cut in a year. I don't feel good. My husband is nervous about the idea of the snip, i don't want to go back on contraception im done with all that. So we have no physical relationship anymore. Its been over a year!! We're like flat mates that love and share kids. We care and love each other but it can feel empty.
Im breastfeeding and ive been trying to wean her off to a bottle (tried at 6mths/9mths....) 11months and still going. Im sore, tired and my boobs are disgusting. Will the match after all this. Im deflated.
Im lonely, jobless and lifeless.
My friends are all busy working. With 3 small kids and no childcare im struggling more than before to get back out there and find a job to work around my husband and kids. Its financially tough and the struggle is hard and taking its toll on me.

Im over tired and lack interest in anything to the point of not wanting to play with my kids as much as i used too. My older kids start to notice when im down and ask if im cross or upset or unwell and i reassure them im ok just tired or say baby girl kept me up im ok.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Have you spoken to your GP? This sounds like postnatal depression

Hi Op. i felt the exact same after my second. Like I wasn’t who I used to be, just a caring empty shell, only good enough to empty and refill dishwashers and change diapers full of shite. I did hit rock bottom and when I felt that it couldn’t be any worse, fell lower and when I hit this new low, fell even lower. I really really believed that I wasn’t going to walk out of this alive. 9 months old still wasn’t sleeping through the night and the eldest’s terrible two were more like horrific twos. One day, I decided to pull myself back up. It started with making the 9 months old sleep through the night. So one night, I didn’t give him food after 11 pm. He screamed bloody murder from 3 to six but I didn’t cave in. The day after, he screamed from 3 to 5.30. The one after 3 to 4.30. On the fifth night, he slept the night. That was my first uninterrupted chunk of 6 hours of sleep in almost 3 years. I suggest you do the same with the bottle. It might take two weeks but no child will ever let themselves starve. Your baby WILL take the bottle if you don’t give up. Then I decided no more TV for the toddler. Same, 4 days of drama, didn’t ask for it on the fifth day. Then I decided that I would do my 20 minutes of 30 day shred BEFORE cooking dinner for everyone, that for ONCE, I was going to put myself first. Than I chose to lose the weight. And everyone ate steamed fish, veggies and salad. Anyone was free to cook themselves anything they wanted, but I was not anymore going to be an at home servant for all.

Little by little, I realized that NOBODY was going to put me first, so I had to put myself first. With little step. Now shower everyday. And I take 10 more minutes to lather cream every day. DH was upset to have to keep an eye on the two for a whole 15 minutes ( yeah, tough shite!) but now he is doing it with pleasure. I started a crafting hobby (painting) with a 9£ amazon kit and when everyone is in bed and I am “expected” to cook dinner and be of company in front of the telly, I now take my time pampering my used and abused body and then I paint. I have zero talent. This is just unproductive. I love It. Dh, again originally upset to the change in routine, now does his own hobby by my side. Start small. Listen to the music you loved when you were a teenager. “Lose” the tv remote. Cook what YOU want to eat. I stay available if there is anything you want to ask.

@Skinnymimi, I love your post - excellent advice for the OP or anyone - I don't even have small children any more and it's inspired me!

So much of what you say resonates OP. Small steps are the way - would you be able to find the £ for a Groupon voucher or local hairdressing college haircut - or ask for a voucher from family for a birthday etc? Some do evenings.

It's so hard when your friends are working, but if any live locally, can two or three of you meet around 8pm every evening/certain day for a 30 min fast 'walk and talk' round the block a few times? Ostensibly exercise, but also such a boost to unwind and chat. Your DH is hardly likely to notice you've gone if it's short and can become routine.

Maybe not practical for you, but I do hope you find something that will lift your spirits.