Birthday Celebrations out of control

[SantasComingToTown]

I have two main groups of friends - best friends from school and work friends.

Best friends from school - we are pretty straight forward when it comes to birthdays/Christmas.

No presents at Christmas, £30 limit or no present and we go out for dinner/the day instead as a group for everyone’s birthday.

Work friends on the hand…each birthday/Christmas can easily cost me in excess of £100 each time (there’s 4 to buy for).

They aren’t content with just a small gift or a day out, it’s a whole weekend or day with multiple activities, dinner, and then a gift on top and to be honest it’s just way too much stress and expense. As much as I like them, I end up feeling pressured to spend more on them than I do my own family which is just ridiculous. - I can afford to do these things, I just don’t want too. This is also on top of other activities and meet ups through the year. They cost me a absolute fortune to be honest!

I have told them several times before it’s too much hassle and I would prefer to just do either a gift or dinner or a activity not all 3, but every time a birthday comes round, I still get asked to contribute to everything and when I don’t, or suggest alternatives (like a budget god forbid) I get made to feel like I’m not a good friend. In the past Ive stuck to my guns and just done the experience or dinner part of the day, but then comes the gift giving and the really awkward silence when the presents are opened, and there isn’t one from me, or I turn up half way through the weekend and feel out of place. Last year I had a baby so they didn’t bother me as they knew I was on maternity leave, now I’m back at work the first birthday has come around and they are straight back on it.

Has anyone had this situation before and how do you make people get the hint?. I’ve tried the subtle and the direct but they don’t want to hear it. I have to work with these people so I’m trying to be diplomatic whilst also making sure my work life isn’t pure hell!

You go to work to earn a living, if the response to opting out of such expense is making your life unpleasant at work, that could be a form of bullying.

You could say that a particular birthday reminds you of something sad, you'd prefer not to go out, and to be consistent wish to opt out of all birthday celebrations at work.

God this sounds hell. You just have to put up with being disliked tbh. Cheerful refusal to participate or accept that it's part of your job, if it is.

@balalake

You go to work to earn a living, if the response to opting out of such expense is making your life unpleasant at work, that could be a form of bullying.

You could say that a particular birthday reminds you of something sad, you'd prefer not to go out, and to be consistent wish to opt out of all birthday celebrations at work.

You’re right it probably could be classed as a form of bullying but its probably not a Avenue I would want to go down, I love my job and I do really like my work pals as people. It’s just the expense!

That’s a really good suggestion actually. I’m not normally one for making up untrue excuses but I am at the stage where I don’t know what else I can try!

@PermanentTemporary

God this sounds hell. You just have to put up with being disliked tbh. Cheerful refusal to participate or accept that it's part of your job, if it is.

It is hell, I sound so miserable (honestly im not at all, I love life) but I’m just at the stage in my life where I don’t want to go out and celebrate birthdays like I did when I was in my early 20s, I married with responsibility’s at home now, and although I absolutely know I can have fun even though i’m a wife and mum, I do so much throughout the year with them, Plus see them 4 days a week at work, I don’t feel the need to do this as well with all the added expense. My work colleagues are all similar ages to me as well, so it’s not as if im the boring old fogie of the group lol

Blimey I was expected to put £10 in a collection for my 5 closest colleagues and I begrudged that tbh. It became too hard thinking of decent ideas for the gifts so we've stopped and just do cake. Gifts only for big birthdays now. Everyone is happier.

@DetailMouse

Blimey I was expected to put £10 in a collection for my 5 closest colleagues and I begrudged that tbh. It became too hard thinking of decent ideas for the gifts so we've stopped and just do cake. Gifts only for big birthdays now. Everyone is happier.

Gosh I am so envious of you right now! I would love that kind of arrangement. It’s a shame more people can’t think along those lines. Life would be so much easier and stress free.

Now you have a baby just use the excuse that you aren’t going out as much in the evenings and you certainly won’t be going away for birthday weekends.

What do you think your work friends should do instead, OP? It sounds like the rest of them enjoy these celebrations as they are. You can’t expect them to skip them because you would prefer something different. If you’re not comfortable showing up partway through and bringing whatever gift makes sense to you then don’t go.

Just say you are saving and to count you out for birthdays from now on. Good luck.

@Rickrollme

What do you think your work friends should do instead, OP? It sounds like the rest of them enjoy these celebrations as they are. You can’t expect them to skip them because you would prefer something different. If you’re not comfortable showing up partway through and bringing whatever gift makes sense to you then don’t go.

They can do whatever they want, I’m not saying they shouldn’t. My issue is they expect me to pay a hefty price every time a birthday comes round and if I say I’m not up for it, or don’t want to go they make my life miserable at work