How to build self esteem to make friends

[Lookingforatimeslip]

Ever since I was young I’ve felt different. Like everyone got the social skills manual and I was in the wrong line. I was badly bullied at school and still have very low esteem. I had a mixed relationship with my mum who spent a lot of time comparing me to other people “you’re not the kind of daughter I wanted”, forcing me into clothes that made me uncomfortable and situations I felt awkward in. My self esteem now is very low. But I’m lonely. I’m not sure where to begin on making friends as in the back of my mind is the constant voice saying “why would anyone want to spend time with you?” And it makes me stressed and anxious. I ask a lot of questions to people, show an interest but I’m aware I feel uncomfortable. Two of my children are autistic so baby and toddler groups just didn’t work for us, and one singing group advised us not to come back 😕 There was a lot of time when they were small spent in the park on our own now they’re at specialist schools there’s no parents in playgrounds to talk to. I work remotely so don’t have colleagues and in the town we live hobbies tend to be fitness related or church. What I’m asking is, how can I stop the voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough? How can I make friends? Criticism I’ve had from my mum or DH I’ve internalised and I can’t move on from the comments. I’m aware I’m quite self contained but mistakes I’ve made in the past even 20 years ago are still bought up by my mum and mentally I just feel a bit knackered.

Hi OP. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone with this and I’m in the same boat. It’s so hard to push that voice down, isn’t it

Hill walking group.. great for your head, you can talk about walks.. hard ones easy ones, the view..everyone struggle on the hilly bits, not just you.. if you don’t want to talk.. we’ll go to the back and shout headspace..

Hello, you may want to have a look at some of the posts in neurodiverse mumsnetters.

On a practical note I think doing a regular class is a great way of meeting people. There's less pressure to make friends quickly because you can build up to talking to people once you've got comfortable with the new environment and people. Also if you pick a class that you really enjoy then it takes the pressure off meeting people as that's like a secondary purpose.

Have you considered talking therapy?

Hello OP - that's very hard. I think you'd be surprised how many have felt the same, especially if put down by parents as children - that's really horrible and can mess you up.

Highly recommend a therapist (not a counsellor or CBT - just not as helpful and effects more short-term) - because seeing a good therapist even for a short while has impacts that keep growing throughout life. There are different types of therapy - that suit different people. I would recommend core-processing therapy, personally, as it's very 'normal' and feels like a conversation with someone you trust and who cares but is soo skilled and takes you really deep into understanding yourself very quickly but you set the pace. I know it may seem like a big financial cost, but for me, it's the best thing I've ever spent money on! You can often get the first session for free to see if you'd like it.

My other tip is to pretend - fake it till you make it.

I believe in you. x

Agree with other posters too. How about researching your signature strengths and finding activities around these? Could possibly help you feel more confident when meeting others if you are doing activities that fit with your signature strengths. Good luck - you are halfway there by recognising the internal critic. Next step is not to believe it!