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Original poster

I don't know who I am anymore, how do I find myself again?

19 replies

Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 00:53

It's difficult to describe what I mean, but after being a mother for many years and also suffering with depression and anxiety, I don't really know who I am anymore. I had my children in my early twenties, didn't really have much of a social life after that. Now they've left home and I seem to just watch TV and read and mess around on my phone Hmm

I'm not creative, can't read or play music. I don't have hobbies. I can't remember what I used to think before I had children, also I had a very overbearing and opinionated husband, so didn't have much to say really Sad

I'm not sure how to discover myself again or maybe reinvent myself. The things I'd like to do are nearly impossible, e.g dancing, travelling, for financial reasons and lack of friends.

Does this sound familiar, has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 11:45

Giving this a bump

In terms of dancing, my sister is doing jazz by herself. No reason to be held back, she said the class is mostly people who go alone.

What do you like to do? If you don't know, what makes you think "ooh, interesting"?

ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 15/02/2022 11:48

You could absolutely go to a dance class alone! We have an informal line dancing group in our area…people of ALL ages, abilities, sizes, groups of friends and individuals attend. Or how about a more formal adult dance class/lesson? Lots of opportunities to make new friends through things like that really.

Ylvamoon · 15/02/2022 12:04

I would just try out different activities.

Many clubs run taster sessions... I am going on a (free) 4 week Archery beginners course... always been fascinated by it but never had the time while DC were younger.

I also have dogs (huge commitment!!) that I take to training class.
I have found French & German speaking groups through Meet Up they meet once a month. Its just to keep my language skills up but also fun. (Usually a Sunday lunch type meal or a wacky activity!)
And then there is the gym which I really love, again it's great for trying out different things from Zumba to Pilates or Boxercise to Spin class (cycling). These are included in the monthly fees.

All groups are quite social so plenty of opportunities to have a chat and make friends!

EmmaH2022 · 15/02/2022 12:15

Yvlamoon

A free 4 week archery class? Sounds brill!

Ylvamoon · 15/02/2022 12:25

@EmmaH2022 - yep it's a great opportunity! Grin
But I think they struggle for members and they have a brand new shooting range that was finished in 2019... so its a way of drawing in new members!

blobby10 · 15/02/2022 13:11

Turnitupto11 You're not alone - I feel exactly the same. Covid and lockdowns put a complete block on my intentions to join a group or two and socialise more but maybe this summer I can join a cycling club or dance class. I love the idea of learning jazz or doing tap again but no idea where to start to find a class!

blobby10 · 15/02/2022 13:13

Turnitupto11 just realised that wasn't a very helpful post! Financial constraints are a big barrier to me doing lots of things that I'd like to - that's one reason I was going to join the cycling club - its £15 for a year and you don't have to cycle, you can just marshall at events (and therefore get to chat to people!).

Mysticguru · 15/02/2022 13:14

Go to the local Buddhist, Zen or Taoist centres if there are any in your area and join in the classes.

LaBellina · 15/02/2022 13:18

This may sound very silly…but I’m trying to do some ‘shadow work’ as I call it, recently and part of it is for me trying to reconnect with my inner child. I am suffering from the same issue as you and trying to reconnect with the person I once was a long time ago, before society put too much expectations on me and I was too concerned about what others thought of me, has helped me so far to reconnect with my true self a bit more.
I’m sorry if this sounds vague and weird but perhaps it might be helpful to you as well.

Original poster
Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 14:12

@EmmaH2022

Giving this a bump

In terms of dancing, my sister is doing jazz by herself. No reason to be held back, she said the class is mostly people who go alone.

What do you like to do? If you don't know, what makes you think "ooh, interesting"?

Good for your sister Smile I don't have the confidence to do that at the moment, but hopefully one day!

Hmm ... lots of things make me think interesting, but mostly crafty things and I'm just not creative.

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Original poster
Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 14:14

@LaBellina

This may sound very silly…but I’m trying to do some ‘shadow work’ as I call it, recently and part of it is for me trying to reconnect with my inner child. I am suffering from the same issue as you and trying to reconnect with the person I once was a long time ago, before society put too much expectations on me and I was too concerned about what others thought of me, has helped me so far to reconnect with my true self a bit more. I’m sorry if this sounds vague and weird but perhaps it might be helpful to you as well.
Thanks for your post, that sounds very interesting! I'll look into it. Is it something you do alone? How did you find out about it?
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Whybirdwhy · 15/02/2022 14:18

Do you like swimming? Even if you don't, swimming clubs or other sports are a good way of having some social contact without too much pressure to chat. Many sports clubs take adult beginners, our football team certainly does. We've had some people start who have never played football (and actually have done no sports since school 20 years ago!), just joined to keep fit and do something different. You don't need any skills, just the willingness to give it a go. It's amazing how quickly you can start to feel at ease and build skills even if it feels really intimidating to start with.

TravellingFrom · 15/02/2022 14:20

@Turnitupto11 you're not the only one!

Tbf, what is helping me just now is to start small. So we have a discount card with our garden centre and it comes with two free drinks at the cafe.

So I am going there on my own with a book. A small thing but it forces me to get out of the house and do something for MYSELF rather than for someone else.

What I also did is to establish what is important for me. And two things come out (for me) whihc are connexion and learning.
So I am seeking out opportunities to do that.
What would you say are your important things/values for you?

LaBellina · 15/02/2022 14:23

I started with thinking about my childhood, what things I enjoyed and just writing them down. For example I was always outside & playing in the mud or with my pets and I realized that spending time in nature actually really helps me to reconnect with that part of me. I go regularly for walks by myself.
I also realized that I liked drawing and coloring books a lot so I got myself an adult coloring book. I’m also planning to buy myself a 1000 piece Disney princesses jigsaw puzzle Grin. Once you start being open to listening to that part of yourself the information that you seek will come to you, is my experience. Just starting with a list or literally writing a letter to your younger self and asking them questions can really help.

LovelyLupins · 15/02/2022 14:27

Do you have a bucket list? Write down 10 things you’d love to do, however outlandish e.g. painting even though you don’t think you’re creative, and split them into groups of now, in a year, in 5 years. Pick one from each group and write down the baby steps to achieve it.
e.g. you want to travel in 5 years, set up a savings pot and start putting a small amount aside every month..
e.g. you want to learn to play an instrument, find out if you can hire one or buy cheaply second hand, look up you tube tutorials for beginners, give it a go!

Original poster
Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 14:29

Thanks. I do like the thought of swimming but the reality of the smell of chlorine, dirty changing rooms and a bladder ruined for ever by three large babies isn't that great!

I do like going for coffee, but where I live this always involves driving somewhere, finding a parking space, that can all feel a bit much sometimes. Plus a partner who doesn't want to come with me, but doesn't want to be alone either Hmm

@LaBellina, that's great! I do have an adult colouring book AND a jigsaw I keep meaning to do! My geography is appalling and I got a jigsaw of a map of the world in the hope it would help me ... just need to find it now and make a start!

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Moonface123 · 15/02/2022 14:56

The spiritual path. You need to go inwards to find out who you really are as opposed to who you or everyone else thinks you should be.

Original poster
Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 16:23

@Moonface123

The spiritual path. You need to go inwards to find out who you really are as opposed to who you or everyone else thinks you should be.
Thanks .. I don't know how to do that Sad
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Original poster
Turnitupto11 · 15/02/2022 16:25

@LovelyLupins

Do you have a bucket list? Write down 10 things you’d love to do, however outlandish e.g. painting even though you don’t think you’re creative, and split them into groups of now, in a year, in 5 years. Pick one from each group and write down the baby steps to achieve it. e.g. you want to travel in 5 years, set up a savings pot and start putting a small amount aside every month.. e.g. you want to learn to play an instrument, find out if you can hire one or buy cheaply second hand, look up you tube tutorials for beginners, give it a go!
Thanks Smile I don't have a bucket list. I guess there are things I'd like to do, but my financial situation isn't going to change, saving is nigh on impossible and my confidence stands in my way too. But I'll have a go.
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