Nearly 15yo nephew not going to school

[HalterNeck]

He had some kind of meltdown before Christmas, he's been back sporadically but mostly stays in his room, doesn't socialise, doesn't do anything at all really apart from playing computer games. Camhs recently screened him and he doesn't meet the criteria for adhd or asd assessment. However, we are all convinced that he is autistic. Private assessment will cost a lot of money but if we all chip in, it's doable. I am not sure if we're being silly though as camhs have said he doesn't meet the criteria? He already has a counsellor. School are supportive and will make the adjustments he wants, he's the one putting the barriers. Don't know what to do for the best. Any ideas?

Hi, any advice anyone please?

Hi,

It's difficult without that diagnosis. What do school think about ASD and ADHD?

Do you know what caused the meltdown? Kids can have a meltdown after a difficult event and struggle to cope with their emotions without being autistic. Hopefully the counsellor will help with that part.

If you use Facebook there is a group for parents of children/teens with attendance difficulties. My DD didn't attend for 2 years and the advice and support I have had from that group has been invaluable.

www.facebook.com/groups/NFISFamilySupport/?ref=share

What was the melt down about, what does he say the issues are?

Is he getting any education? After 3 weeks off he maybe should be.
I'm not an expert but the SEN or SN Chat boards can help you.

What was his behaviour/mood like before the meltdown? Has anyone noticed autistic traits before or is this new for him?

Has anyone noticed autistic traits before or is this new for him?
This. How long have you "all been convinced" he's autistic and why hasn't he been assessed before if that is the case?

Hello we had similar and are now out the other side.

CAHMS and school counselling was effective. Both had permission from my son to talk to me and so I could be on board with strategies suggested

We put zero academic pressure on DS, just worked on his happiness for a year

We were told the bedroom is strictly for sleeping and he needed to be out of it during the day and in communal areas. Bedtimes and bedtime routines instigated

We were told to reparent him, treating him like he’s a few years younger then he is. Lots of nurturing and positive boundaries/routines. We considered family therapy due to the whole family being under a lot of pressure generally but managed to successfully resolve our own family pressures after 6 months, enabling us to be more mentally present for him.

Built up time with family members while cooking, going for walks, watching his choice of films with a blanket over our legs, eating ice creams in the park, listening to music together, messing around on skate ramps and football. Once activities were part of our weekly routine this helped a lot. We strived for positive uplifting days with no mention of academia.

Meal times strictly as family time together, no meals or food eaten in bedroom

My son found it really hard to reach out and be open with friends. Also he also found expressing feelings with family upsetting. It’s a skill he’s really had to learn through counselling but it’s second nature now and a skill he will take into adulthood. He’s learnt to reach our and express his worries to families and friends.

We all worked together on his mental health, lots of discussions and planning for the week ahead. Hugs, shoulder rubs, recognising when somethings gone well.

After a while we tried a part time table, attending the lessons he liked initially and developing a weekly routine. We took any timetable expansion at his pace, with small increments

If this had failed we would have looked at alternative educational provisions including colleges which take 14 year olds on. Seeing a college course adviser was on my to do list.

What behaviour makes you think about asd?

Been there as well although my son was younger.

He was subsequently diagnosed with ASD.

As the school what support they can give. If he is struggling to attend then he meets the criteria for a EHC Needs assessment which you can start the process of with the LA, the school may help you with this but if they don't you can do it yourselves. This may speed up a cahms referral for example.

www.ipsea.org.uk/making-a-request-for-an-ehc-needs-assessment

Don't take away the things he needs to remain social with his friends such as gaming or phone, this will impede a return to school. He needs to keep up those connections to maintain his mental health.

The Not Fine in School website is very helpful. notfineinschool.co.uk/

Hi

Even if he is ASD (private) there is nothing you can do for it - it’s just about making adjustments. If school are on board that’s good - does he need a EHCP ? You can do that you don’t need a diagnosis.

Do you think he could have inactive adhd? That’s when the meds come in. That’s what would be worth testing private for in my opinion.

Is he being bullied? Or is he anxious? Need to try and get it out of him - something is bothering him.

Lots of people use computers to regulate and he’s a teenager …. But it’s not nice to see them like that and not enjoying things

If DN cannot attend school the LA must provide alternative education under s19, the Education Act 1996.

As well as this, as mentioned by others, apply for an EHCNA.

I'd start some pester power with CAMHS. I've had years of refusal from them and only now my teen DD is self harming and the school think she's autistic are they listening to me.

Move the computer to a communal area

SaltyQuiche it's great that all of those things worked for your child, communal meals, not being allowed in room etc.

They don't work for every child so the DN of the OP might need to be able to spend time in his room.

My child was so traumatised by school he was barely able to leave his room for 6 months after her came out of school.

He wasn't able to access education for nearly a year.

Now 5 years on he never did return to mainstream school because of his undiagnosed needs and the fact that mainstream school was a terrifying place for him. His anxiety needs have been met though and he is doing GCSEs now and is going to college in September.

I think my point is is what was good advice and worked for your child would have exacerbated the issues for mine.

It depends entirely on the child and ultimately the reasons, which are yet unknown, why the child is struggling in school.

Lifeturn - of course it’s very individual. My son was suicidal and anxious, high functioning with slow processing. With increasing understanding about helping himself, developing flexibility and patience he was slowly able and willing to cooperate with the professional strategies suggested. The counsellor gave us all a life line, helping our whole families reorder priorities and reconnect.

Thank you everyone. He doesn't say a great deal, but most of the issues seem to gravitate around his peer group, and his perception that others don't like him. So a lot to do with how he feels about himself I guess.

The counselling he's been offered ends this week, it was just 6 sessions, so that's frustrating, but he's on a waiting list to see another counsellor.

The more he doesn't attend school, the more he panics about what others will think of him, and the more he hides in his room.@Saltyquiche you post is so helpful, thank you so much. I wonder if you'd be willing to share more in terms of strategies offered by the counsellor.

Hi HN,

Here’s a contact number for support whilst waiting to see another counsellor

giveusashout.org/get-help/