Hi, please bear with me as I am new here and do not know how this forum works. I have debated posting this for many years now, as this is going to take forever and I am not sure if anyone would be interested in reading it. I just want to write it out anyway. I am doing it for myself to let it off my chest. I know I will be called names, but that is okay. My tolerance for these things are far high by now. So firstly if you’re reading this, I would like to tell you a bit about myself. I am a softie and a hopeless romantic at heart. I can’t help myself not being kind and making people happy.
So here is the forever story of my life. My hands are shaking as I type. I met the love of my life at 17yrs of age. He was the most gentle, caring, sentimental person ever. He was my best friend and we could talk about everything and anything under the sun. He was always forgiving and loved me more than I loved myself. It was unbelievable how romantic he was. He would bring out the best in me, and I always wanted to better myself with him. I was the kind of girl who was very charming and popular in high school. Boys used to kiss the ground I walked on ( no exaggeration). I wasn’t the popular mean girl type but the kind hearted person. We both made a beautiful looking couple in and out. We did have arguments but we would sit and talk it out heart to heart. It was the perfect relationship anyone could ask for. You know when two people love each other so much that sometimes it gets telepathic. I would sense him sometimes around me while I would be out with family and he would appear out of nowhere. One day our telephone lines were fixed after a long time and he was unaware of it. I was thinking and wanting to talk to him so bad and guess what I get a call from him the same day. It was the most intense, emotional and empathetic bond I ever had.
Fast forward to uni, we went to different colleges. We started having arguments and he would ghost me for weeks ( he wasn’t cheating for a fact, as my friends were in the same class as him ) It would take a toll on my mental health. I would cry for weeks and then he would call out of the blue and ask for forgiveness. I loved him too much for not forgiving him. This went on, till I started to get fed up of this behaviour. While he was ghosting me an other guy ( tall, pretty face and handsome looking, very girl wanted) proposed to me in a way I couldn’t say no. Given I was in trenches and a depressed mess. Also, I wanted to give my highschool bf a taste of his own medicine.
I changed my number a started chatting with the new guy, while I was still ghosted. One day I got a call as it was my highschool bf on the ph. One of my friend had given him my new number. He begged for me to come back but I broke up with him. He was in pieces, punched a glass window and cried like a baby.
I moved on with my life, but still there were times I used to miss him while I was with this new guy. I thought that it is normal to miss someone and that it will fade away with time. Fast forward it did not work out with the new guy as I realised I was still in love with my highschool sweetheart and the new guy was a coward who convince his family for love.
In the meantime my highschool bf sends his mobile number to my sister telling that he would still be there for me had I needed anything.
Fast forward few years, I call this number to apologise for what I did to him. By a stranger’s perception it would be called as cheating. Doesn’t matter why I did it. He was shell shocked to hear my voice after all these years. His voice choked while he talked to me. I still had feelings for him all this time. We decided to meet up. There he told me that he waited for me for 3 yrs. His whole college knew his story and wanted to have him as their bf but he rejected them all. But, then he said that he was with one of his girlfriends since 2 yrs. I knew her from school days and knew that she always had a crush on him. He said that she knew all about me and how much he loved me. After learning this, I did not want to be the other girl breaking what they had.Even if it hurt me like a stab wound. My highschool bf told me that he told his current gf if I would come back to him. He would choose me over her. I had already suffered heartbreak in the past. I did not want a new person being freshly hurt and me being the reason for it. So I just told him with a heavy heart that I did not want to be with him. That I had moved on ( a big fat lie ! )
He said he would never be able to love his wife as much as he loved me and that even if I get married have a kid and come back to him he would accept me 😢
Fast forward to this day, I am married to a new man. We have 2 beautiful kids together. It was an arranged marriage. The only reason I said yes was because he was a self made, hardworking person. He is below average looking, a big difference from my past bf’s. He is a very practical person and I am hopeless romantic. He does not know anything about romance. His family is very orthodox and a girl isn’t expected to have any past relationships in their family. My first year of marriage felt like hell. I felt like this was the worst relationship I was into. My husband would always criticise and compare me. One one hand I was made to feel like the most beautiful person and here I was suffering his insults. I could not dare to think of separation as it is still a taboo in our culture, and looked down upon. I would not want to bring that on my Mum. I lost my father at a young age and my mum has raised us single handedly. My MIL was always trying to calm us down and say things like it will get better down the years. I thought maybe if we have kids things will get better. Things definitely got better. My hubby knows what makes me tick off. We argue very little as we don’t have much of a real conversation. Our life is at autopilot with the kids and busy. It feels like we avoid few conversations just to avoid arguments. He hardly compliments. He is just honest and blunt.