Boundaries and respect

[Madge55]

I have a longstanding friend who has had ALOT of problems over the last 10 years ( ive had some too ). Anyway ive been a listening ear, supportive but honestly i am exhausted by it now. Her mother and father died 2 years apart. Both were sick for a long time she did most of the caring. There was also LOTS of family disharmony, she was very very stressed with looking after her elderly parents and trying to manage her own life as well. A few years before she had split with husband she was the reason they split but it caused alot of problems in her social circle. Eventually they got back together. Then she took on a very stressful job which i heard about every single day, phonecalls on way to and from work. She had a journey and talking to me broke the journey up. Then her brother died in an accident. Pets have died and now relatives are dying and have died. I am at the point my sympathy is utterly exhausted. I have my own pressures which she makes an effort to listen to but while I recognise all the cxxp she has had I just can't do it any longer. I know i sound like a selfish sxxt friend but i just cant. She herself is very kind in other ways and she has done things for me but I just don't think she realises the toll being there has taken on me. I'm single no kids but i have had issues at work and an elderly mum too. I know she feels me backing off. At least the twice daily phonecalls have stopped. How do i set boundaries without just being a narky cow.

Well if she stumbles across this public thread that could solve the issue, otherwise you just need to explain that right now, you can't deal with so many problems. Also, try not to be so available to break up her journeys.

It sounds as though she isn't intending to take advantage, and would like to have a more balanced friendship- I.e. she's not using you as a dumping ground.

You need to put your boundaries in place, she can't read your mind and tell when you've had enough.

So either
talk to her- tell her you need to focus on more positive things for a while as you are starting to feel very down, that you are very busy and stressed and would love to meet up once a week for a catch-up and some fun but not to do phone calls,
Make yourself less available. Don't answer the phone unless you are able to listen sympathetically, wait an hour or five before answering her texts etc.

Having read what you have written I can only imagine that level of negativity and drama being a terrible drain on your MH.

Stepping back is a good thing to do.

Tell her you are busy.
Leave longer between contact.
Put yourself first.

Some people make absolutely no effort to not be a drain on others.

I appreciate some people have things hard, but your place on this earth is not to act as daily therapy to her.

You have posted because you are exhausted from this.

Focus on other friends.
Be massively less available.
Tell her you have your own worries.
Cut conversations short.

Protect your MH.
She will move on to others, they always do.

I've started to make boundaries, but she is not happy. She has gone from having me at her beck and call most days to about once a week. Now she is playing games. Archived me by 'mistake' on whatsapp and hasn't made any attempt to fix it but asked me to arrange a night out for us and another friend but hasn't responded to my by now screenshotted whatsapp messages which i emailed to her. She tried to ring me at work the other day. I have an office job in the main now. I couldnt answer on either occasion because I was in a 2 hour zoom meeting on the first call and a long complex case phonecall on the second. I phoned her when I left work. No answer, yesterday or today. So I give up.

OP,

Make no futher effort.

She is a tantrumming child.

Take the break, it sounds like you need it.

Don't spoil the rest by stressing about her.

You are giving her far too much head space.

Focus on other friends.
Other activities.