Travel for fathers visitations.

[Hp12]

Hi all,

I came here for some advice and to just really see what other peoples opinions are, I want to be reasonable and also quite frankly I’m scared of my ex kicking off.

We had a horrible and very short relationship. He’s was very controlling.

I moved away from near our home town, for many many reasons, I’ve moved about 1 hour 20 mins drive.

But I am doing all the travelling by train.

1. Very expensive
2. A lot of time

Last weekend it took me 3 hours to get down down to pick up my son due to train trouble, my son and i had to stay at a family members and go straight to school from there the next day as on the Monday the travel time went back to 40 minutes and it wouldn’t have been fair to drag my son back on a 3 hour journey getting home at 10pm on the Sunday. BUT if my ex had driven just 40 minutes, he would have saved me 2 hours of travel and my son and I would have been home at a reasonable hour for a school night.

All in all last weekend between Friday and Monday to drop and collect my son I travelled 8 hours. (I do not think this is reasonable or any court would say I should be doing this!)

I’m bending over backwards to keep the peace, I’m costing myself a lot of money, and he still has the cheek to make comments to my son saying “I’m glad it’s costing your mum money” he shouldn’t even be discussing it with him.

I know I’m the one who moved but I feel this is all completely unfair, and it’s not just about me, why wouldn’t he want to save his son part of the journey travelling??

Do you think it’s fair if I say I need something towards the trainfare or you’ll have to drive up closer to Collect him? Somewhere that’s near to half way? The thing is as well he has a car, so it’s a-b, whereas after I’ve dropped my son I have to wait around for the next train.

Also there’s the cost a station that’s closer to me but a reasonable drive for him, the train fare price drops from £19 to £5! I cant afford what I’m doing atm.

Has anyone else been through this? I’m also so scared that if I said meet half way on collection he’ll just refuse so I have to go get him. I feel so stuck, I’m always the bad guy. I’m scared to ask him, he makes me feel sick. Hes put us through hell over the years, my sons school had put 2 reports to social services about him because he was treating my son horribly. Then he was vile sending police to my house saying I’m
Mental etc. said I’d fled, yet he knew I was at home because he text me saying “have fun the Police are on their way round”

I wish I didn’t have to have any contact with that vile man.

Sorry just to clarify as well the train fare example I gave isn’t the total that’s just one journey.

Last weekend because we also had to stay over, I spent £58 on train fare to take him
To see his dad!!!!!!!

If his Dad wants to see him, he can come collect him.
When you want him back, you can collect him.

@glitterfarts

If his Dad wants to see him, he can come collect him. When you want him back, you can collect him.

Agree with this. Let him collect him and you pick him up??

Is he paying maintenance? He seems to enjoy you struggling, more control

As you were the one to move away the usual response is that you should travel / pay.

I don't think it's as simple as that but when dad's move away that is what is usually said on here.

On citizens advice even if the Dad moves away he can request that the mother pays half the travel.

I don’t mind doing part of the journey but this is ridiculous and when there’s problems with the train, that would mean my son travelling 3 hours home when his dad could drive 40 mins and cut 2 hours off of that.

He pays maintenance now, but I’ve had a lot of trouble with it over the years and he certainly doesn’t pay the right amount, but he said if I go through child maintenance he’ll make sure I’ll get nothing by fiddling his self employed income.

It’s definitely all about control, he was very bitter for many years and always wants a battle. I just want a peaceful life.

He doesn’t care about making things easier for you/ his son, he’s probably punishing you for moving away, though I do think those that move away should be making the most effort to facilitate contact

I don’t mind travelling part of the way, as there’s congestion charges where I live as well so I’m happy to travel to save him that as I think that’s fair. But I think if it went to court it probably would be split as you’ve said.

I just really wanted to hear some opinions so I don’t feel I’m being unreasonable or asking too much, I’m just terrified of the back lash. I suppose because he was violent towards me too, I struggle
to communicate with him, my heart races just receiving a text from him.

Hmmm.

If this was a man who had moved away from his child we would expect him to do all the traveling. The mover travels and pays for it.

However, the set up you describe is clearly not workable for your son in terms of getting to school. This will impact on his wellbeing in the long term. I think you need to come to a different arrangement. maybe less weekends but longer stretches in the holidays?

From seeing threads on here it does seem that it goes in favour of the parent who hasn't moved and the onus is on the parent that moved away to facilitate contact.

However, whether that's fair or not is a different matter, especially in the form of control and abuse like you've described.

It sounds like none of your arrangements are through the courts and are sorted between you?
What would happen if you said to him that he needs to meet you halfway?
Would you be willing to go to court to get a resolution? If it's court ordered he can't argue with it. Right now you do have the risk that once your child is with him he may just not meet you half way but then you can do the same when he next wants to see him.

I'd say the fairest way would be to both meet halfway, you're the one that moved away so he shouldn't be doing all the driving to you just because he drives but equally, it isn't fair on your Son to be doing so much travelling every weekend/waiting around for trains etc to then be late home for school.

If he wants you to continue doing all the travelling and you're not willing to go to court then you'll need to tell him that your Son leaves earlier on the Sunday so he is home at a reasonable time to get ready for bed before school the next day

Yes, I agree which is why I think it’s fair to do part of the journey. He hasn’t said anything about me moving away he has no issue with he just doesn’t want to do any of the travel, he never saw him out of his set weekends, never collected from school and often cancelled seeing him so me moving has made no difference to how often he sees him.

My ex over the years has on off had contact and sometimes not seen him for months. He himself moved over an hour away for 7 months and didn’t see my son once in that time, I tried to arrange video calls so they could keep contact but he wasn’t interested.

When I lived a 10 minute walk away he said he couldn’t see my son because he’d run out of petrol so I walked him round so he could see him for the afternoon. I know some people will now probably think I’m too soft after reading that and but I just wanted to do the right thing and I suppose I had guilt because I ended it.

We’ve been split for about 9 years so it’s not like it’s still fresh but I don’t think he’ll ever be civil.

We had a court agreement but it was 5 years ago, at that stage he was being very threatening and I had an injunction so he couldn’t enter my building, we split the pick up / drop off between myself and a grandparent so I didn’t have any contact with my ex.

What you’ve said all sounds reasonable and sensible, I would really like to avoid court as it was absolute hell last time but I might have to at least see if I can do mediation.

The place I proposed to meet is actually 51 miles for me and only 14 miles for him. It only takes me about 30-40 minutes on the train so a round trip of just under 2 hours.

But if there’s train trouble again I think it needs to be adjusted for that particular weekend, if I hadn’t stayed with my family last Sunday on collection, it would have been about 7 hours in total of me travelling in one day to save him a 40 min drive.

“If this was a man who had moved away from his child we would expect him to do all the traveling. The mover travels and pays for it.”

Not necessarily, I mean people might say that but it’s not usually how it goes in court. I have a few male friends who either they moved or their ex moved and it’s split.

I also know someone who their ex moved abroad and he had to pay to travel and collect his daughter. It cost him thousands each visit. Luckily she’s now old enough to travel over on her own.

How old is dc? When I moved(45 mins) I did all travel. Expect the 1 time exh wanted to see the house.. Once dc hit secondary school sometimes they got a bus or train.
Putting you into the red isn't helping you raise dc. Let him go to court...

I should have said he collected and took her back.

Would he agree to do some/all of the travel in exchange for reducing maintenance to cover his petrol costs? Make sure to frame it as being better for ds, don't mention saving yourself time and money.