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Original poster

How do you go from acquaintances to friends?

38 replies

Luckyelephant1 · 10/02/2022 22:32

So my close friends were all made years ago at school/uni when it was relatively easy to make friends (coursemates, housemates etc, you just spend so much time together). Since then we're in contact but we all live in different parts of the country so only really meet up a couple of times a year.

Having recently become a mum I've made loads of mum 'acquaintances' via mum groups, baby classes etc. Am in a few WhatsApp groups and I do always get invited to group events eg walks, pub lunches with the babies etc and I've organised a couple myself. So I'm not unpopular. But I can't help but notice some mums seem very close, have been to each others houses etc and just seem a lot closer than I am to anyone. And I realised this has happened a lot in my life. The same thing has always happened in my working life at a few different jobs, like I'm always part of a group of colleagues that will go for a drink after work or whatever and we're all friendly but I'm never particularly close to anyone, whereas over time I've seen some colleagues become so close they've become each others bridesmaids or have gone travelling together (as examples). It also took me a long time to finally have a close group of uni friends even though I was very sociable.

On the outside it would look like I'm popular as I have no shortage of people to meet up with, but I feel like I always miss out on that deeper connection that makes me become a close friend to someone rather than someone to just pass the time with if that makes sense. It's like there's an invisible barrier but I'm not sure why this always happens to me. I find it hard to get past that initial small talk bit of a potential new friendship I suppose, as I don't know how to do it!

Any tips? Would be interested in hearing how you've gone from acquaintance to friend and what I need to do to cross that barrier! I'd much rather have 1-2 close new friends than 10 new 'surface level' friends but I always seem to end up with the latter.

OP posts:

DrPhilYourGuts · 10/02/2022 22:41

I’m no expert as I don’t have loads and loads of friends but I’d say I’m better at close friendships than in a group. I think the trick is cultivating relationships with the people you click with.

Amongst these acquaintances are there people you particularly like or gel with. I would arrange play dates, ask them for coffee, message them about something you’ve discussed. You have to build the one to one bond to have it.

It feels a bit odd at first and you can get sort of rejected, I’ve found some people can be quite guarded and not all the friendships take off but it’s almost about not being shy to make the first move.

FigitBit · 10/02/2022 22:48

No advice but I am exactly the same. I’m desperately lonely as although I’m in a few groups where we have general chit-chat, I have no one to talk to about my feelings with, no one who knows what’s going on in my life or who particularly cares!

I feel like I could cut myself off from the world & hide under a rock & no one would notice or wonder if I was ok

BuddhaAtSea · 10/02/2022 22:49

Do you show vulnerability? Do you ever admit to them you’re drowning and you need an ear?
There is a level of intimacy in solid friendships, and that generally comes when one of you shows vulnerability and the other one is supportive.
We have painting ‘parties’, when we were moving house, we’d all get together and help decorating. When I divorced, they were there to help move me, I told them I can’t afford a van. When one of them was seriously bleeding she called and one of us took her kids, another took her to the hospital, two others sorted dinner. That kind of stuff.

Howshouldibehave · 10/02/2022 22:53

I’m made some really good friends through work/school gates/friends of friends over the years. I think it’s just clicking with people-I’ve found those people have a similar sense of humour, we’d gone through similar experiences either at work/with kids etc so had loads to talk about, started texting about work or child related stuff which then moves onto random crap (moaning about stuff!) and then it gets to saying that we should go out for lunch/a drink etc

SlB09 · 10/02/2022 22:55

No advice but oh my god this is me!!!

DrPhilYourGuts · 10/02/2022 22:57

The above is true, I should have said, the whole purpose for me of one on one time, or small group time is that you then get to have deep chats and part of that is sharing your own feelings and vulnerabilities.

My problem is I don’t know how to do chit chat and small talk OST of the time!

CatOfTheLand · 10/02/2022 23:06

Send a few WhatsApp messages to some mums that you like that are a subtle compliment + a question.

Eg.

Been meaning to ask you, where did you get your coat? It's gorgeous and the exact thing I've been looking for

Quick question: where do you buy Timmy's shoes from? Your kids always look so well dressed.

Favour please: you're always great with local knowledge- where's a good place to host a birthday party with a bouncy castle in March?

Their replies should give you a vibe of if they want to be friends and you can maybe suggest a coffee after a few messages

FigitBit · 11/02/2022 08:20

My problem is that after getting the initial one-on-one coffee/drink I always end up being ghosted . I’ve been on soooo many coffees but still no friends

BiancaWhite · 11/02/2022 08:33

In my experience it takes a long time to make solid friends. This is easy when you’re at university but much harder as an adult. You have to give it a lot of time, be (a little bit) vulnerable and make the first move.

Original poster

Luckyelephant1 · 11/02/2022 20:36

The vulnerability bit is interesting as I guess I always try to put on a bit of a front as I'm scared that I'm somehow inferior or come across like a shit mum. But in fact the other day one mum commented on how cool and collected I always am and in my head I was like...really??? As I always feel so frazzled and desperate to please. Maybe I do need to let my guard down a bit.

OP posts:

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 20:41

Oh yes you need to share vulnerabilities! I mean it can be a minfieldmand can go wrong. But if you are always looking together that’s probably a barrier.

autienotnaughty · 11/02/2022 20:53

This is such a good question. I have always felt exactly like this. When I had dd I made mum friends at playgroup and I loved it we would get coffee, go for walks etc. Then when the kids started nursery it just stopped I was really hurt as I realised it was more of a convenience for some people and worse still a few of them stayed good friends but didn't extend that to me. A few years later I had ds and this time I made more of an effort to see individual people outside of the group. I'm now friends with two of our 'group' and we still meet regularly and have a separate what's app group.

purpleme12 · 11/02/2022 20:58

I don't know either

I tried to ask people for coffee and stuff and it would be a no for whatever reason. And even the people who I thought were more friendly who might ask me back another time because they were busy when I asked them, never did.

Original poster

Luckyelephant1 · 11/02/2022 21:11

@autienotnaughty

I can so see this happening to me. It's not that I have any shortage of people to go for coffee and walks with, it's that I doubt they'd care too much either way if I suddenly stopped meeting up with them. Whereas I can see how close others have already become, they're more jokey/easy with each other and seem to have built friendships very quickly. But I don't know how!! I'm a chatty person, I don't fade into the background. I do message people separately here and there but it doesn't seem to amount to much.

I'll definitely try to let my guard down and show my vulnerable side. But I'm scared of burdening people or appearing really negative I guess?

OP posts:

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 21:16

I find humour in my negativity! Ie sometimes I share/listen to real proper needing emotional support stuff. But when not hugely significant but nonetheless irritating stuff is happening I can find great humour in sharing it will people! Ie so it’s negative stuff I suppose - but it doesn’t hVe to shared in a negative way if you see what I mean

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 21:17

Eh when the other mum said you always look cool
And collected and in your head you said really? What did you actually say to her?

I would have said oh good lord no, it’s a shit show back here

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 21:19

And I would have laughed, I hope she would have laughed and so on.

And if she didn’t laugh I would have internet said ah well, not everyone understands your comedic brilliance and moved on

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 21:19

Do you think you might spend too much time worrying about what they’re tbh into if you rather than just being in the moment of the interaction?

Movingonup22 · 11/02/2022 21:21

I would have said internally - I would not have said that out loud!

SpiderVersed · 11/02/2022 21:26

If you aren't sharing vulnerabilities it won't be more than a surface acquaintanceship. Real friends are honest and open about how they feel, what they're scared of, when they fuck up of make a tit of themselves.

If you're holding back and being cautious you will find making true friends a very slow business.

Original poster

Luckyelephant1 · 11/02/2022 21:27

@Movingonup22

Eh when the other mum said you always look cool And collected and in your head you said really? What did you actually say to her?

I would have said oh good lord no, it’s a shit show back here

Lol I did say something to that effect, like God no I'm always winging it etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Luckyelephant1 · 11/02/2022 21:28

@Movingonup22

Do you think you might spend too much time worrying about what they’re tbh into if you rather than just being in the moment of the interaction?

Did you mean 'what they're thinking of you'? In which case yes, totally. Which is why I sometimes say stupid things that aren't even really true or garble my words.

OP posts:

Kbyodjs · 11/02/2022 21:30

I’ve often found this but in the past year I’ve managed to get past that with 2 new mum friends by putting myself out there a bit and risking rejection to a certain extent; I’ve suggested meeting up one on one and shared a bit more about myself beyond talking about children or surface level things. I’m uncomfortable with people sharing everything about themselves when your first meet them so I don’t mean that but just a little bit to see how that went on either side

Original poster

Luckyelephant1 · 11/02/2022 21:35

@SpiderVersed

If you're holding back and being cautious you will find making true friends a very slow business.

I dunno though I feel like I do share my fuck ups and fears? So many silly things I've done being a first time mum. Maybe it's not enough idk.

I do also sometimes feel like I'm a bit scared to show my true sense of humour to newish friends. Like with my uni friends I have quite a cutting tongue and we always call each other insults in a friendly way (eg 'what's up bitch' etc) as that's how we've always been, we're not the gushing 'hey hun' kissy huggy type mates if that makes sense. But with new acquaintances I always find myself being overly nice and friendly which maybe people can see isn't really me.

OP posts:

UKmumtobe · 11/02/2022 21:42

OP I'm the same. I'm desperate to make new friends these days now I have had a second child.

I don't understand why it never works for me as I personally think im a friendly approachable person... It really knocks my confidence!

I have a few friends but regularly find out they meet without me.

I try to tell myself I'm unlucky and haven't met the right people yet

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