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Family estrangement question.

5 replies

familydilemma12 · 10/02/2022 15:05

Name change for this one as its a bit sensitive. My aunt and her husband separated 30 years ago due to him having an affair and her having a mental breakdown. She said she didn’t want to have any contact with him or her DD (8) and DS (6) again. Her husband moved out of the area with the children and sold the house and she declared herself as homeless. My aunt later remarried and settled with someone else but never had any more DC. She has never mentioned her DC again.

My gran is 92 and while in reasonable health for her age is definitely declining. She has started mentioning her other grandchildren more and more regularly and saying she just wants to know they're ok. She still has photographs of them around the house. When her daughter first separated with her husband my gran and (late) grandad contacted his work to ask for his new address and were told he had moved on and they didn't have details for him.

In the age of social media and my gran mentioning them more often it occurred to me the other day to look up my cousins. I found both of them fairly quickly and they have public profiles.

I'm not planning on contacting them but would it be inappropriate to tell my gran that they seem settled and happy?

OP posts:
EvilPea · 10/02/2022 15:08

My dh is the grandchildren in your scenario so I can only speak for what he would want.
Yes he’d want to know he was cared about, loved and tried to be known.

But that’s him. He’s very bitter and angry at being ignored by them and no attempts to know him were made.

It’s a difficult situation and there’s no right answer.

goldfluffyclouds · 10/02/2022 15:08

I wouldn't be specific - because if you say you've found them that could lead on to - but it would be so lovely to see them - and a whole can of worms has been spilt before you know it.
Just keep reassuring your gran that they will be fine, a new life. The fact you haven't heard means there hasn't been anything terrible happen and just try to reassure her blandly rather than specifically...

familydilemma12 · 10/02/2022 15:11

@EvilPea

My dh is the grandchildren in your scenario so I can only speak for what he would want. Yes he’d want to know he was cared about, loved and tried to be known.

But that’s him. He’s very bitter and angry at being ignored by them and no attempts to know him were made.

It’s a difficult situation and there’s no right answer.

That's one of her worries- that they think my grandparents ignored them when in reality they made repeated attempts to get in touch.

It seems to be bothering her more and more lately.

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Danikm151 · 10/02/2022 15:16

You could always send them a message. They could choose not to respond but it's a chance to reach out.
Tell your Nan they seem happy, show her their profiles. Will be nice for her to see more up to date photos.

EvilPea · 10/02/2022 17:04

@familydilemma12 I am trying to PM you, but it isn't letting me. Could you message me?

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