Shall I just let myself be quietly pushed out of my 'friendship' group??

[Pushedout]

Was too wimpy to post in AIBU so here I am. Will try to keep this relatively brief without drip feeding. Basically in a loose friendship group with a few of the mums from school. Was really pleased to be included initially as I am pretty socially awkward at the best of times.

I thought we all got on pretty well, it's been difficult with the pandemic but we've managed some nights out and in. The trouble is, one of the mums for whatever reason has really taken against me. I thought I was just being paranoid but I have had it confirmed that it's not just me, she really doesn't like me. I have nothing against this woman, i don't know if I have somehow given off the wrong signals because I am very socially awkward and also somewhat intimidated by her (not helped by her barely veiled coldness lately). She is quite attractive and glamorous and I am more the outfits from sainsburys and haircuts every 6 months if I'm lucky type. There are some lovely people in the group and as far as I know no-one else has a problem with me but I have also recently found out there have been lots of cosy little meet-ups without me and a planned holiday (initially we had talked about going together with the kids but I am clearly persona non grata now) so I am clearly in the noone gives a shit if I am there or not category. I was going to ask if I should just quietly disengage from the group, not flouncing just quietly withdrawing but I guess I have answered my own question really since they clearly value this person over me. I can take small comfort from knowing that I haven't done anything wrong and realise that she must be an unhappy person to be acting this way but it still feels shitty.

I guess this has turned into a 'why is social stuff so bloody hard?' I feel like I am back to being 12 which is the first time I experienced social problems. Some of my friends moved away and the rest of them just decided not to be friends with me anymore. I guess I have always been a bit out of step and shy socially (currently undergoing diagnosis process for ADHD which may explain some of it) but I'm really nice if people give me a chance. Guess it's back to standing around awkwardly at pickup pretending to be really engrossed in conversation with my youngest so it's not obvious noone wants to talk to me.

Hugs to anyone feeling similar by the way.

Oh yikes, and poor you 😭 I have to admit to stepping away quietly from the school Mum lot some years ago, and I've been a lot happier now my social life and my DS' are separated. Again, I just quietly withdrew, quietly stopped inviting people over (and noticed that whilst people were happy to accept my invites, hospitality and wine, they were rather less generous with returning the favour) and that was that really.

I'm much better off with my other friends who I've met through hobbies and groups, it all just feels much more balanced.

You poor thing. If you like the others in the group, don't be eased out. Link up with a group member or two you get on particularly well with and worm yourself back in. You were there first and there is no guarantee that this woman is popular with all the group members.

Oh that's shit.

To be honest, as kids move up school you start to see a lot less of other parents anyway. I'm only in touch with two people now, whose kids went to school with mine.

I didn't have anything much in common with the rest of them anyway other than that I was fertile at about the same time they were!

Perhaps see if you can do a couple of one to one coffees/playmates with the kids with more receptive members of the group. Then if they go well say you feel a bit left out of the main group and they may make you feel included or you may prefer just the smaller group anyway.

Actually Nappy she was there first so I was invited in, it just didn't become immediately apparent that she disliked me so much. I wouldn't say I exactly warmed to her, I guess we are very different people, but I didn't feel any animosity at all.

I suppose deep down she is quite insecure. She has a close friendship with one of the other mums from the group (who is lovely) and she's weirdly possessive about it. We went on a night out as a group and she was extremely clingy to her in quite an awkward way. It was like we were on 2 different nights out.

Sorry to hear this.

She sounds like a manipulative cow. Don’t let it put you off forming friendships though - it’s not that common.

I’d suggest one to one meet-ups with those you really like, rather than worrying about he group. These groups shift and change anyway.

And think about how interests might lead you to other friends.

Honestly stop looking for the wrong thing about you. Even if you have ADHD that doesn't mean you've made that Queen Bee woman into a bitch!

Honestly this stuff is really hard and unless you're the type who has the skin of a rhino it's impossible not to feel upset by it. Get through it by focussing on what you like doing - for example a holiday with a group of mums, one of whom is a roaring cow, sounds like a nightmare to me! Would you really like it?! Like others say just focus on socialising in a way that is easy and pleasurable for you. Asking someone for a cup of tea is a start. Anything that causes you stress you don't have to do, or feel like you ought to try to do.

Is she the main organiser?
What’s stopping you from organising stuff yourself?
It’s not nice for someone to dislike you but equally if the others take no initiative…

I sympathise it can be bloody hard as an adult this friendship lark

As a pp suggested arrange one to one coffees, or play dates with any of the mums you like. Also look around the playground, there will be other parents who are not part of a group, talk to them and make other friends. When you're part of a mums from school group you often become blind to all the other parents who are not part of that group.

Thanks everyone. I'm just feeling sorry for myself I guess and this hits a particular nerve. I am chatting to a couple of the other mums who are my kind of people and going for coffee soon. In my darker moments though my brain whispers 'they don't really like you, they just feel sorry for you.'

It's true I am not very proactive myself. A combination of being an introvert and protecting myself from rejection I suppose.

It's not you, it's her. Keep being friendly with those you get on with and you'll be fine.

You're not wrong theplant a fun group holiday where you're all relaxed is one thing, but being constantly on edge and waiting to put a foot wrong and all the sly little digs? No ta

Oh this is very hurtful OP, I'm sorry this has happened. The woman who is excluding you sounds like a dick.

Sorry I have no sage advice

What a bitch , but to be honest a holiday with school moms would not be my idea of fun.
You won't be the only one she treats like this .
Focus on the nice moms but don't become emotionally reliant on their friendship.
I went for the smiley but not to involved look ,school was / is for my kids and not a social thing for me.
Some women never grow up and love a bit of drama in the playground .