Am I being cleverly/gradually ghosted or not?

Mojitooooooo · 2022-02-09T10:45:54+00:00

Hi, I have a newish friend. Think we've been friends coming up for a year and a half now, but it always seems to be me who organises a meet up. The pattern seems to be, I text to see how they are etc and then ask if they'd like to catch up, along with a few date suggestions. I then usually have a quick reply to say something along the lines of, yes, sounds good, but no date suggestions, then I reply to try and firm it up and then nothing to actually confirm a date. I then leave it for a week or two, before nudging and then they'll get back to me. We get on well, but I have noticed a bit of awkwardness recently, almost like a bit of tension, but I can't put my finger on why. Given she does actually eventually get back to me, I know this isn't standard ghosting, but is she just gradually trying to fizzle our friendship out in a less obvious way? Or is she just a bit disorganised? I suppose it's been like this since the beginning really, but I see it differently now. Probably because of this added slight weirdness between us the last couple of times we have met up. Thoughts?

StrangeAddiction · 09/02/2022 10:58

Sounds like she's definitely not interested and the tension might be because she thinks you're pushing a meet up.

It could be that she's genuinely too busy and any spare time she has she wants to spend it with family or closer friends.

I wouldn't text again, if she's bothered she'll text you.

Original poster

Mojitooooooo · 09/02/2022 11:11

@StrangeAddiction, you're probably right. She's always really apologetic for not getting back to me, which is probably another reason I thought maybe it's just an organisational issue.

I don't get it though. I think I've been a good friend and we do have a lot in common, but obviously I do understand that she's under no obligation to keep things going if she doesn't want to.

Stings though.

OP posts:

ButtockUp · 09/02/2022 11:15

I'm sorry OP but it does sound like she's not as into your friendship as you'd hope.

I'd not text her about a meet up again and see if she approaches you for one.
I doubt it though.

midsomermurderess · 09/02/2022 11:22

I've noticed that increasing numbers of people here, and if here, one assumes in real, not virtual, life, struggle to navigate relationships. People who don't understand what's going in, what does this mean, can't, won't, directly speak to the person, hate 'confrontation', want strangers online to work out their relationships for them, seem not to have real people who know them to talk things through with. If this is what is modelled to young people, it's only going to get worse. Like the thread running about a friend, is she, isn't she going on holiday with me. It's all frankly quite odd, quite sad.

Allsorts1 · 09/02/2022 11:30

I think just leave the ball in her court for now. I have a friend who is always trying to arrange to hang out with me, gives dates etc and pushes for a response and whilst I like her and think she is an excellent person, I just find that our friendship doesn’t have longevity in it for me, for a range of reasons. I wish she would just let me phase it out but because I don’t want to hurt her feelings I keep having to commit to seeing her. I find it really stressful! So yes, just leave the ball in her court for now - if she wants to hang she can reach out and then you’ll at least know either way and stop wasting your time on her.

As a bit of a pep talk for you though- don’t take it personally or be hurt or feel that her not wanting a friendship reflects on your worth in any way at all. People are often just in different spaces and want relationships for different reasons, have their own private neurosis etc. someone not wanting to forge a close friendship with you can be for hundreds of reasons that aren’t your fault or really anything to do with you x

SartresSoul · 09/02/2022 11:34

I had a friend do this recently. We’d been friends for about three years and for a good two years of that we’d message each other most days, I thought we were always one another’s main support network tbh. Didn’t meet as often because we live 30 miles apart and both have busy lives plus covid obvs but always lots of messaging. Noticed she slowly started taking longer and longer to respond and when she did respond, it would be a quick message with little detail. She wouldn’t reach out and message me first anymore, well very rarely so I felt like the one pushing it all of the time. In the end I just felt a bit degraded by it all, like I was being desperate so I stopped messaging to see what would happen and low and behold she never messaged me. It’s been a few months now with nothing so I guess it’s just fizzled out. It’s a shame because I thought we were close friends but anyway, shit happens.

I think your friend is doing the same sort of thing. She’s slowly fazing you out so you don’t contact her anymore I’m afraid.

Original poster

Mojitooooooo · 09/02/2022 11:39

@midsomermurderess, was that advice or were you just being unkind? Perhaps I should start another thread and ask MN it's opinion?... Thanks for the contribution 👍

@Allsorts1, wise words I think. It's really difficult not to take it personally, but maybe we're just not as compatible as I thought.

OP posts:

CecilyTheWake · 09/02/2022 11:51

@midsomermurderess

I've noticed that increasing numbers of people here, and if here, one assumes in real, not virtual, life, struggle to navigate relationships. People who don't understand what's going in, what does this mean, can't, won't, directly speak to the person, hate 'confrontation', want strangers online to work out their relationships for them, seem not to have real people who know them to talk things through with. If this is what is modelled to young people, it's only going to get worse. Like the thread running about a friend, is she, isn't she going on holiday with me. It's all frankly quite odd, quite sad.

I actually sort of agree with this and didn’t see it as unkind to the OP, just an observation. So many of these kind of threads are trying to deal with social relationships through the prism of text or social media and it just ends up with this endless round of introspection and second-guessing, especially when people also view talking directly to someone as ‘confrontation’ and treat it as something to be anxious about.

OP, ghosting really means cutting someone off with no warning, so I don’t see your situation as that, more just that this person isn’t really interested in meeting up. They haven’t been explicit in saying this or not replying to your texts but you haven’t taken the hint and are now questioning your own interpretation of their reluctance to meet. I would personally just stop contacting them and leave it with them to contact you if that’s what they want.

gingerhills · 09/02/2022 12:12

I would stop getting in touch and see what happens.
The tension might be nothing to do with you She might have social anxiety which a lot of people seem to have post-lockdown. Or she might be depressed - that time of year, or have stuff going on in her life that she doesn't feel ready to share.

Tufty383 · 09/02/2022 12:12

I'm going through the same thing OP. It does hurt (mines a 10 year friendship). I dont want to ask directly is she still wants to be friends as I don't want a falling out, we live in a small town and are likely to bump into eachtoher. I decide to stop initiating contact, that will give you your answer.

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2022 12:20

She may have depression. She may find it overwhelming when people text and ask for dates and suggestions of places. That may be why she takes a little time to get back to you. It may be nothing sinister at all other than She replies when she feels able to cope.

Daisydoesnt · 09/02/2022 12:30

It's really difficult not to take it personally, but maybe we're just not as compatible as I thought

OP I have been on the other side of this situation recently. Sometimes it's that actually you don't quite get on as well as you perceive that you do (I'm quite a quiet person, and the person I'm trying to extricate myself from I find quite overbearing....she evidently hasn't noticed anything wrong with our friendship). Or life is busy and now is not a good time. Sometimes it's a number of things. But to me she's sending you a message by not responding in the way the she used to. Just leave her be and let her come back to you if and when she wants to.

Daisydoesnt · 09/02/2022 12:31

She may have depression. She may find it overwhelming when people text and ask for dates and suggestions of places. That may be why she takes a little time to get back to you. It may be nothing sinister at all other than She replies when she feels able to cope

In my case, I reply when I feel so pestered and so rude/ guilty for not replying! I wish they'd just leave me in peace.

Mol1628 · 09/02/2022 13:13

I’ve had to do this with a friend recently. She was too needy and clingy for me. Nothing she’d done wrong just we weren’t compatible in my view. She thought we were best friends and had so much in common but I wasn’t feeling it.

I would take the hint and back off on the messages/meet up requests.

Original poster

Mojitooooooo · 09/02/2022 18:00

@Mol1628, that does sound full on

I won't send any more messages. I actually do wonder if she quite likes the chasing in a way. She does like to feel wanted and pins a lot on her popularity, both with friends and men. I forgot actually, that it was actually her the last time that said we were due a night out, but when I got back with dates, I didn't hear any more. Strange.

Would anyone actually just ask outright?

OP posts:

Wordlewobble · 09/02/2022 18:17

I think you are a planner and like to be organised in advance as do I and your friend likes to fly by the seat or pants and isn’t a planner.

Although I would normally say how are you do you fancy meeting up for (a coffee or a cocktail or whatever) soon? Let me know when your free and we can sort out. Then I would leave it up to my friend to come back to me with dates we could then see if we had any free dates in common. If she doesn’t bother getting back forget about it. Although I am a planner I would find your first message with a suggestion of meeting up in and dates in annoying and a bit too much especially if I had a lot on and didn’t really want to commit.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 09/02/2022 18:22

I usually have a general rule of thumb that I’ll arrange up to two in three meet ups. I wait for a friend to get in touch to arrange the third one.
I usually message something like do you want to get together next week , any days better for you? I do see my friends almost weekly so obviously you could adapt your message.

2Gen · 09/02/2022 20:09

In my experience, and from my POV, if you really want to see someone and it's possible e.g. you live in the same town or city, you'll see them. It won't feel like an effort and and the other person won't feel like they're doing all the running either. It'll just seem to happen naturally. Don't waste any more time on her, just stop contacting her and move on. She doesn't sound like she's a genuine friend I'm sorry to say.

IncompleteSenten · 09/02/2022 20:17

At this point I would be assuming she's not bothered about meeting up but is hoping you'll take the hint.

I'd stop asking her tbh.

gingerhills · 09/02/2022 20:19

@SeasonFinale

She may have depression. She may find it overwhelming when people text and ask for dates and suggestions of places. That may be why she takes a little time to get back to you. It may be nothing sinister at all other than She replies when she feels able to cope.

I'm guilty of this. Couple that with ADHD where it is incredibly hard to remember the existence of a text from a friend, let alone its contents once you have dealt with work emails and family demands interrupting them. I almost forgot to reply to a friend inviting us to dinner - someone I'd love to see but the invite just shot out of my mind because other things shot into it. i just spotted it again by chance.

It's not always a sign peole don't want to meet up.

Itsacakebaby · 09/02/2022 20:32

I had this OP and it really can get to you. I'd known my DF for over 10 years and really thought we were pretty close (confiding in her about certain things I wouldn't have talked about with other friends). After messaging her about 2/3 times to catch up and to let me know when would be best I heard nothing. In the end I just accepted that she wasn't that bothered about our friendship and didn't contact her again. That was 10 months ago now. It is upsetting as you do question why they don't want to carry on the friendship. Maybe things are difficult in your friend's life at the moment. Try not to let it get you down too much.

Original poster

Mojitooooooo · 10/02/2022 10:37

Just wanted to make the point that I'm not bombarding this friend with constant meet up requests and date suggestions! The first few messages between us are just the usual, how's it going etc and then one of us will suggest meeting and then 9 times out of 10 it's me who actually throws some dates around and that's when things go quiet.

As I said earlier, she can be very apologetic when we do meet and swear that it's nothing to do with me and they're just really busy or flakey, but maybe they're protesting too much.

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CecilyTheWake · 10/02/2022 10:41

@Mojitooooooo I actually do wonder if she quite likes the chasing in a way. She does like to feel wanted and pins a lot on her popularity, both with friends and men.

Honestly, you are overthinking this and people suggesting that she may be depressed, have ADHD etc aren’t helping. The truth is that none of us know you or your friend or can reliably advise you why she’s behaving like this. If it was me this was happening to, I’d just stick with texting to say hello and avoid suggesting meet ups.

PerseverancePays · 10/02/2022 23:04

I have an old friend that I've known for decades. We only saw each other if I instigated it. I do love spending time with her but it's only if I organise it multiple times as she will cancel at the last minute. Anyway, I stopped making an effort and she hasn't been in touch. Been ten years now. Fires don't burn if you don't put any wood on and I can't be the only one running around picking up sticks.