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Original poster

Would you rekindle this friendship?

16 replies

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 08:41

It's an old school friend - we're now in our 50s.

We were really close for years and then moved to one of those friendships where you don't see each other for ages, but when you do it's like you've never been apart.

However, about 10 years ago I distanced myself a bit for 2 reasons and have only really been in touch a couple of times a year, by text:

she only ever wanted to meet up to get really drunk and go dancing and I was at a stage in my life where I couldn't deal with the hangovers.

a bigger reason, whilst in many ways she's lovely the kind of person who's always there for her friends, she's always had right wing tendencies which have got more pronounced as she's got older. So, she often wanted to talk about "benefit scroungers" and "illegal imigrants". I've become more socially aware as I've got older and find this stuff more and more offensive.

Anyway, I recently lost my DH which has had a knock oan effect on my entire social circle. Some people I thought of as life long friends have disappeared, but otoh some "acquaintances" have been really good to me.

One of these acquaintances is going to an event I know old friend would love. I've been invited, along some other people. I was thinking of asking old friends if she'd like to come?

OP posts:

EishetChayil · 09/02/2022 08:50

The right wing tendencies would put me off, TBH.

OMGisthisforreal · 09/02/2022 08:55

I’m sorry for your loss.
You should get in contact to suss out if she has mellowed in recent years. A phone call which will inevitably include chat about current affairs will quickly establish that!
In my experience people who have vehement beliefs and disbeliefs rarely change their stance so you may be glad to keep her at a distance.

Rossnagoose · 09/02/2022 08:57

Right-wing and ‘lovely’ are not compatible qualities for me.

Original poster

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 08:58

@OMGisthisforreal

I’m sorry for your loss. You should get in contact to suss out if she has mellowed in recent years. A phone call which will inevitably include chat about current affairs will quickly establish that! In my experience people who have vehement beliefs and disbeliefs rarely change their stance so you may be glad to keep her at a distance.

She won't have changed. I did tell her once that I'd unfriend her on FB if she carried on with the offensive posts and she does seem to have got a grip of that, but the views are still there. I'm just hoping we can agree she won't talk about them with me.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2022 08:59

Nope. Don't waste your time.

Xiaoxiong · 09/02/2022 09:00

I wouldn't - I find that friends from my different social circles don't always mix, and your acquaintance might think that you endorse your old friend's views.

Better to go, then get in touch with old friend and say "oh I went to this event and you would have loved it, how about we do something similar together?"

That's assuming you can look past her political views - for me it would depend on how extreme they are.

Ceramide · 09/02/2022 09:00

Judgy political stuff would put me off whatever 'wing' it was from.

Original poster

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 09:00

@Rossnagoose

Right-wing and ‘lovely’ are not compatible qualities for me.

No, I agree, but she does do lots of lovely things. She's the person to call in the middle of the night, she's generous with friends and charities, she's reliable, she's funny (so long as you make it clear some jokes are unacceptable).

It's true I distanced myself for a reason, I'm just wondering whether to give this one event a go and see what happens.

OP posts:

Xiaoxiong · 09/02/2022 09:33

Hmm tough one. I have friends with whom I know I have opposing political views (mainly on women's rights ATM) and we just don't go there when we see each other. I think it's valuable in our polarised world not to cut ourselves off from each other and see people with whom we disagree as human beings rather than monstering them, and I think echo chambers cause a lot of harm. I also think people are much more extreme on social media than they would be in real life so if her views are mainly apparent from what she's posting on FB but she's lovely in person, I would still get together with her and just try to talk about other stuff.

I don't know if I would introduce her to my other friends though. Just do stuff with her separately. Or go to the event again with her if you can, or find a similar event that you can go to with her ("Oh I went to this event with my other friend and I thought you would love it, shall we go to another one together?")

Georgeskitchen · 09/02/2022 10:28

You're a lovely kind hearted person who is great company and would do anything for anyone ,:but I don't like your political views so I'm not being your friend ner ner

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/02/2022 10:38

How are going to police her 'jokes' and politics around your lovely acquaintances? How are they going to feel about her right wing tendencies? And you for bringing her? I wouldn't be impressed if I invited someone to an event and they brought a stranger to me with them who I found offense.

Original poster

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 10:42

She's not a complete stranger to them. In fact 2 of them are people she was very close to in her 20s, which is one of the reasons I thought of her (I didn't know them then). It's possible of course that they distanced themselves for the same reasons.

I don't actually think she'd spout off on her political views in a mixed group of people she didn't know well though.

OP posts:

Allsorts1 · 09/02/2022 10:47

Hmm, I would say definitely be in touch to see if you want to rekindle, but I would strongly suggest that this particular event isn’t the place to do so. Go along and enjoy your new friends, stress free.

I speak from experience, if you’re the person who has brought someone - you spend most of your time hyper aware of everything they say and if people like them or not - it’s too much of a risk especially as you say she has strong right wing tendencies.

Build your friendship circle separately and if you want to rekindle things you can, but don’t risk your enjoyment of this event and making new bonds with new friends by inviting her along.

Rossnagoose · 09/02/2022 10:54

@Georgeskitchen

You're a lovely kind hearted person who is great company and would do anything for anyone ,:but I don't like your political views so I'm not being your friend ner ner

It’s strange that you think someone’s political views are something entirely separate to their personality.

Original poster

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 11:09

Ah well, I had a rash moment and invited her on the basis that I'm trying to live life on a "go for it" basis at the moment. (Otherwise I wouldn't have agreed to go in the first place!)

She can't come because she's still avoiding contact because of Covid..

OP posts:

leavingtime · 09/02/2022 15:23

I wouldn't revisit this. People do not basically change. You have gone your separate ways and adjusted now so why go back to the beginning. You stand to stir up you own irritation and be confused again.

It's sad when a friendship ends/changes but it happens to most of us sooner or later and we have to let go. I've had to do it and choose to remember the person fondly, before their views and skewed moral compass rankled me so much.

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