Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Would you be hurt by this - MIL related

21 replies

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 07/02/2022 18:26

Sorry, this is going to be long!

DH and I got married last September. I have 2 DSs from previous and he has one DD - all of similar ages (12, 12 and 9). All 3 live with us. Because of COVID MIL has only met DSs a handful of times, likewise my brother and my dad have only met DSD a few times. My mum knows her better because she's stayed with us on holidays.

Since it became obvious DH and I were serious my family have always treated DSD the same as DSs in terms of birthday, Christmas presents. MIL not so much but DH always has an excuse for this.

Anyway, since DSs were tiny I've always done a photo calendar as a Christmas present for my parents. Since DH and DSD moved in I've included them in the photos and got a calendar for MIL too. All immediate family birthdays are on the calendar. My birthday was last July and MIL didn't acknowledge it at all, despite seeing her the day after it. DH didn't raise it with her as he didn't want to embarrass her and I wasn't too fussed as I'm way past getting offended about birthdays.

But it was DS1's birthday this weekend just gone and again, nothing from MIL, not even a card. MIL always makes a fuss of DSD on her birthday so it's not that she doesn't celebrate them at all.

Would you be hurt by this? Obviously I'm not going to make a big deal of it, but I do feel hurt and I don't know whether to mention it to DH. He's very defensive of MIL and I don't want to start WW673

OP posts:

Susu49 · 07/02/2022 18:27

Yanbu she sounds horrible

Totalwasteofpaper · 07/02/2022 18:29

Your mil is horrible and her son isn’t much better.

To wheel out an old MN trope. You have a DH problem.

feministqueen · 07/02/2022 18:30

You need to mention this sooner rather than later and nip it in the bud. No need to be excessively confrontational but go and see her and speak to her face to face.

Mil, there's something I wanted to talk to you about. I appreciate that my children are not your blood family however DH and I are now married which makes us a blended family. You missed DS birthday last week and it was very noticeable that you treated him differently to DSD. That is very unkind and upsetting both for us and for the children. Please treat them the same or not at all. See what she says.

IMO this is not a conversation for text or email. It needs to be had face to face and quickly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families

Anniegetyourgun76 · 07/02/2022 18:31

All families are different, she doesn't see your kids as her family and that's fair enough as long as she's nice to them on the odd occasion she sees them. She doesn't know them Tbh and you can't force something that's not there. No point putting pressure on your DH, he'll only resent you for it as he has little control over who his mum buys gifts for. My stepdads mum never used to bother with me and my brothers but it didn't bother us as we didn't see her as our family either.

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 07/02/2022 18:31

Thats insensitive of her. Talk to your DH , he needs to step up.

BigmouseLittleHouse · 07/02/2022 18:32

I also agree this is unkind.

My DSs have a step mum and a half sister. One of my DS has a difficult relationship with his step mum. However even with that both of her parents send gifts and cards for my DCs on birthdays and Christmas and include them in family events, spend time with them and make a real effort. I’ve always been very grateful for this and how kind they are to my DC. It’s one of the few positives of having separated parents.

peboh · 07/02/2022 18:43

I don't necessarily think it is unkind. Whilst yes your children are YOUR children, they aren't a relation to your mil. As long as she's kind to your children when in her company, then that's all your can ask and expect for.

Original poster

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 07/02/2022 18:47

I guess I just feel hurt because I see how much my family have taken DSD into the family and MIL for whatever reason can't. For example, my dad puts £250 into savings accounts for DSs on their birthday. He's now said he wants to do the same for DSD so the kids are treated fairly. MIL can't even send a card. I know people are different and I can't force something that isn't there, but it does hurt a bit.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 07/02/2022 18:48

No I wouldn't be hurt by this.

FelicityPike · 07/02/2022 18:49

@Totalwasteofpaper

Your mil is horrible and her son isn’t much better.

To wheel out an old MN trope. You have a DH problem.

This is true. Why wouldn’t he say anything about your birthday being ignored?

BuritoCat · 07/02/2022 18:52

YANBU.

Why wouldn't your DH stand up to her about excluding your sons? Does he not care?

evrey · 07/02/2022 19:08

My fil is the same doesn't acknowledge mine or my kids birthdays only his blood family. Tbh it doesn't bother me or them .

theskyispurple · 07/02/2022 19:09

Awful. It's one of my biggest joys seeing how my MIL treats my children from a previous relationship. She and my FIL treat them as their own. It's a really beautiful expression of love for me as well as them.

Blossomtoes · 07/02/2022 19:13

@theskyispurple

I agree. I always loved the way my parents accepted and loved my stepchildren.

Cherrysoup · 07/02/2022 19:14

It’s going to upset you so you need your dh to raise it, particularly with your parents giving your dsd birthday money.

picklemewalnuts · 07/02/2022 19:32

I think you need to discuss as a couple redressing the balance by giving your dc an additional gift similar in value to those MiL gives his dc. As your DPs are giving his dc gifts equal to those given your dc.

Wallabyone · 07/02/2022 20:23

Your dad sounds lovely.
Your mother in law probably won't change, but it would be nice if her son spoke to her openly about how she is coming across to you and your children.

wildseas · 07/02/2022 20:40

Probably the quickest way to get her to change is to mention in passing that your parents do the same for all 3 and how delighted you all are 😁

Leighcloon · 07/02/2022 21:04

I’ve been with DH for almost 30 years and I don’t think I’ve ever had a birthday card from my ILs. To be honest, what you describe wouldn’t bother me — she’s barely met your child because of Covid. If it doesn’t seem natural to her to give her son’s new wife a birthday card, it’s probably unlikely it would occur to her to give your child, whom she doesn’t know yet, one.

Original poster

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 07/02/2022 21:05

Well I may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb as they say. DH is now 'sulking' with me over something completely unrelated.

Year 8 has a skiing trip. DSD didn't get a place this year. We've just had the email about next year's trip and I've put DS1ms name down. It's always really oversubscribed so the chances of him getting a place are minimal. It also costs £1,250 which is a lot of money to us so I'm kind of hoping he doesn't get on it.

However DH is sulking because in his mind DS1 has already got a place and my family have paid for his trip which highlights how unfair life is and how it's not fair on DSD.

Honestly I give up tonight. DS2 has gone to bed shivery with a temperature of 38.6 so I really don't have the headspace for this shit right now.

OP posts:

thetombliboo · 07/02/2022 21:10

I've experienced both sides of this with different MIL. One welcoming and lovely to blended family and one that's not interested unless it's blood and it's not something I think you should try and change.
Unfortunately it's not nice but just remember that she isn't intrested so keep your kids distanced. They don't need their feelings hurt and MIL doesn't deserve to know them.
I know it's hurtful but I wouldn't ruin my marriage over it.

Flip